(Funky Dance Music)
Urgh! We need to get out of this rain!
Lets hide in the museum!
How do you know it won’t follow us inside!?
Water hates learning!
(Big Door Slam)
Edd, the water followed us inside! You lied to me!
(Walking Music)
Woah! The diary of Edward Gold.
(Gate Slam)
Tom! Get me out of here!
(Swig)
Nah.
The year was 18...
(Horse)
...and I had just arrived in the town of Spitbucket, USA on a very important mission.
Pardon me, sir-
You lookin' at my ass, boy?
Excuse me?
My ass. You want my ass don't ya?
Um...
Well, YOU CAN'T HAVE HER! Ha ha ha!
I decided that the old saloon would be the best place to start.
This old saloon looks like a good place to start!
(Saloon Door)
What'll it be?
I'll have a bear please!
(Roar & The Best Scream Ever)
A bear? ... Oh!
I'll have a beer please. Much better.
The name is Gold, Detective Edward Gold. I'm here looking for a member of the British Royal Family.
He's gone missing, you see.
Was he nailed to the floor?
Umm... No?
Then he was taken by bandits?
How do you know?
Anything that ain't nailed down gets taken by bandits around here.
My ass! They stole my beautiful ass!
Oh... Have you told the sheriff?
I am the sheriff.
Ah! Sheriff Thompson. I was told you'd be willing to help me.
Sorry kid, but you ain't gettin' your friend back.
Why?
This town's got enough problems as it is. I ain't got time to deal with yours.
Wait! What if I helped you clean up this town?
I don't need your help!
Sheriff! Sheriff! The bandits stole all the nails!
Oh, I knew I should have nailed down those nails, they all called me crazy, but look what happens. Fine...
Yay!
(MEANWHILE)
(Bandit Laughter)
Man! I love being a bandit!
Si, amigo.
What?
Excuse me chaps! But would you rapscallions be kind enough to set me free?
No way! We're gonna ransom you off and make thousands!
Si, muchos pesos!
Seriously, what's wrong with you? Keep an eye on our prince Juan!
What's it like being a prince?
Oh it's marvelous! Ladies love a prince.
I like ladies! I wish they liked me...
Hey! I'll teach you how to be a prince!
Really?!
Indubitably.
Step one, if you're gonna clean up this town, you're gonna need one of these.
(Points the gun)
Woah woah woah! You can't fire your gun without giving it a name first!
Oh... I shall call him... Brian.
What!? No! You can't call it a man's name!
Why? What's yours called?
Gun.
(Bang. Bang. Bang.)
You drink before you shoot?
Everybody needs a little something.
(Bang. Bang. Bang.)
Wow...
OOOW! MY KNEE! MY FAVOURITE KNEE!!
Eheh...
Help! The banks being robbed!
Give us your money bank! Don't you sass me!
Alright Sheriff, Brian and I are going to clean up this town and when we're done you'll
have no choice, but to help us rescue the prince. Let's do this.
Okay you bandits (Guns load & fire)
(Western Montage Music)
And to be a proper prince you need proper posture.
My back's hurting!
Don't worry! It gets easier the longer... You stay... Still.
You're right! It does get easier.
Uhh, i'm a miserable failure.
Yeah, you are.
I've failed my mission.
Yeah, you did.
I could use some words of encouragement.
Yeah, you could.
Oh, we never get crime like this in England.
No, I will not allow it.
Oh go on.
You may not kidnap me.
Please!
No, I shall not do what you ask you fiendish man.
Oh, shut up woman! Get on my horse!
I'm sorry son, but as you can see i'm far too busy with this hell hole to help you rescue
your prince charming.
Barkeep get this guy a whiskey.
Sorry Sheriff, the bandits took all the whiskey.
Nooooooo!!!
What do you have?
New drink, just came in, they're calling it 'Co-La'. Sounds fancy.
Is it alcoholic?
No.
I hate it.
Well, couldn't hurt to try.
(Drink, fizzle, melt)
So, how is it?
(Flies of like a fireeeework, Come on, show 'em what you're worth. Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah")
(Fixin' it Montage)
(Power down)
What happened?
Well, you cleaned up the whole town. And a promise is a promise is a promise.
Is a promise.
Lets go get your prince.
How do I look?
Like a prince! Well, almost.
Awww! What's wrong?
There's something not quite right. Aha! It's those old rusty keys! A prince wouldn't carry
those filthy things around. I know, why don't I hold those for you.
Oh, okay!
Hey! It's the Sheriff! Juan! Get over here!
(ANGRY MATT IS ANGRY)
Boys! We are putting a stop to your thieving.
Yeah? You and what army?
This one.
Okay you bandits!
Ah! Screaming! Ah! Not ones face!
Give it up losers!
[Even a dead man has more to hope for.] in Spanish
I literally have no idea what you're saying, like all the time.
And how exactly was this a good idea?!
I have a plan!
Well, what is it?!
Drink!
This is a terrible plan!
Everybody needs a little something.
(Drinks, fizzle, power)
(Red Dead Redemption reference)
Ahh! My knee! My second favorite knee!
You can't do this to me! I'm a prince! OUCH! Treason!
Shut up!
Si!
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!?
And that's when I fought them all off single handedly. (Laughter)
Well Sheriff, if you ever do decide to come to England you'll always be welcome in my home.
Huh. Thanks, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.
My ass! Sheriff! Have you seen my ass?! (Cry)
On second thought, maybe England doesn't sound like such a bad idea... Huh.
Edd?
Sheriff Thompson?!
What? No. I just needed some dry clothes.
Hey! The rain stopped! Can we go home before it comes back for revenge?
Everybody needs a little something.
(Vomits)
WHY WOULD YOU DRINK A HUNDRED YEAR OLD BOTTLE OF COLA?!
I DON'T KNOW!
(Vomits)
(Credits)