YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RENDERING THE MOST CUTTING-EDGE
TOPICAL GRAPHICS, AND STRINGING THE NEWSIEST CUT-SCENES INTO AN
IMMERSIVE, NARRATIVE EXPERIENCE, TO CREATE FOR YOU THE
STATE-OF-THE-ART, VIRTUAL REALITY ROLE-PLAYING VIDEO GAME
EXPERIENCE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I BREAK INTO MY NEIGHBOR'S
GARAGE, STEAL AN OLD CARDBOARD BOX AND DRAW ON IT WHILE HUFFING
THE MARKERS.
THEN, I FASHION DICE OUT OF SOME TEETH I SWIPED FROM THE MORGUE,
SCULPT SOME GAME PIECES OUT OF THE CALCIFIED CHEWING GUM I
SCRAPE OFF THE BOTTOM OF A MOVIE THEATER SEAT, THEN INVITE YOU
ALL TO THE MOB-OPERATED, UNDERGROUND PARCHEESI LEAGUE OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A BELOVED CHICAGO TRADITION IS ABOUT TO
DIE: THE CITY WILL NO LONGER ALLOW THE HALLOWED CHICAGO
INSTITUTION OF USING HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS TO CALL DIBS ON PARKING
SPOTS AFTER SNOW REMOVAL, BECAUSE STARTING THIS WEEK, DIBS
OBJECTS WILL NOW BE REMOVED BY TRASH CREWS.
WHICH MEANS I ONLY HAVE A FEW MORE HOURS TO HOLD THE SWEET
SPOT I'VE BEEN SAVING AT THE CORNER OF WELLS AND EUGENIE
SINCE 1991.
PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT!
I'M HAVING A SOFA DELIVERED ANY DAY NOW!
DIDN'T YOU LIVE IN WELLS AND EUGENEIE OR WAS IT-- WILLOW,
WERE YOU GENE EUGINIE AND MINOMINI AND WILLOW, SHE LIVED
ON MY CORNER, I THINK.
YOU DONE MINE IF I JUST TOSS-- -- TOSS IN MY WIFE AT THE
END OF THE SHOW, JUST SAY T WE WON'T BE OFFENDED, IT WILL BE
FINE.
NO HARD FEELINGS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN CALIFORNIA, "A PLASTIC SURGEON ATTENDED
VIDEO TRAFFIC COURT FROM THE OPERATING ROOM."
HERE'S A LOOK: >> UNLESS I AM MISTAKEN, I'M
SEEING A DEFENDANT THAT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OPERATING ROOM,
APPEARING TO BE ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN PROVIDING SERVICES TO A
PATIENT.
IS THAT CORRECT, MR. GREEN?
>> YES, SIR.
>> I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE, FOR THE WELFARE OF THE PATIENT
IF YOU'RE IN THE PROCESS OF OPERATING THAT I WOULD PUT ON A
TRIAL.
>> I HAVE ANOTHER SURGEON RIGHT HERE WHO'S DOING THE SURGERY
WITH ME SO I CAN STAND HERE AND ALLOW THEM TO DO THE SURGERY
ALSO.
>> NOT AT ALL.
I DON'T THINK SO.
>> Stephen: CLEARLY DID NOT IMPRESS THE JUDGE.
AND THAT DOESN'T BODE WELL FOR YOUR CASE IN TRAFFIC COURT.
"YOUR HONOR, I WAS NOT DRIVING RECKLESSLY.
I ONLY BEHAVE THAT WAY WHILE PERFORMING SURGERY.
NOW, CAN YOU RULE ON THIS SPEEDING TICKET QUICKLY?
THIS GUY'S FLAT-LINING AND I HAVE TO ZOOM IN TO MY
MALPRACTICE TRIAL."
GET ME ANOTHER QUARANTINE-WHILE, A NEW APP
CALLED "DEEP NOSTALGIA" BRINGS NEW LIFE TO DEAD ANCESTORS BY
REANIMATING OLD PHOTOS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
WOW!
THAT IS SO UPSETTING, THERE HAS TO BE A GERMAN WORD FOR HOW
I FEEL RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO EVER SAID "I WONDER WHAT GRANDMA
WOULD LOOK LIKE IF AN ALIEN HID INSIDE HER TEENAGE SKIN."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, U.K. RAPPER SLOWTHAI HAS VOWED TO STOP
SPITTING IN PEOPLE'S MOUTHS AT GIGS THANKS TO THE CORONAVIRUS
PANDEMIC.
THAT'S A BOLD STANCE TO TAKE A YEAR INTO THE PANDEMIC.
NOW WE KNOW WHY HE'S NOT CALLED FAST-THAI.
DEVIL'S ADVOCATE: WHAT IS THE POINT OF SEEING YOUR FAVORITE
ARTISTS IN CONCERT IF THEY CAN'T SPIT IN YOUR MOUTH?
LAST TIME I CHECKED, THIS IS AMERICA.
IF I FORK OVER 80 BUCKS TO SEE BOB DYLAN LIVE, IT'S BECAUSE
I EXPECT A HARD RAIN'S GONNA FA-ALLL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JANE FONDA.