You guys, cable news delivered for me this year, you know?
I've always loved cable news, you know?
It answered the age-old question,
can we fit 10 minutes of information into an hour?
But tonight, we celebrate the best moments of cable news
in 2017, baby.
Now, I'm gonna keep this tight,
otherwise I'll end up on MSNBC,
so let's start with my favorite after-school hangout
for accused sex offenders, Fox News.
2017, we saw the new face of Fox News,
Sean Hannity, kind of by default
after all the sexual harassment that was going on over there,
the only people left were Sean Hannity and the sound guy.
So my top Fox moment was in November
when Hannity explained
all the conspiracy theories
about popular-vote President, Hillary Clinton.
That corrupt Uranium One deal.
We're gonna untangle this web of Clinton corruption
and show you how all of it is connected.
The Committee of Foreign Investment in the United States,
it's known as CFIUS.
The attorney general, that's Eric Holder.
Rosatom, that's controlled by Vladimir Putin and the Russians.
Former President Bill Clinton,
Renaissance Capital, the Clinton Foundation.
The second ongoing Clinton scandal.
Private server, e-mail account,
set up, the House Select Committee
on Benghazi, James Comey, Loretta Lynch.
Now, our third scandal involves Fusion GPS, Perkins Coie.
There's Christopher Steele, Senator John McCain, BuzzFeed.
Look at this, pretty amazing.
That chart had everything.
All right?
Uranium One, BuzzFeed,
my middle-school girlfriend Janice Mallo.
He hit all his marks.
I love how Hannity is trying to go "True Detective" on us,
but it really looks like an ex-football coach
is trying to sell you timeshares.
But if Hannity is the king of right-wing crazy,
who's the new emerging queen?
Please welcome to cable news, Tomi Lahren.
Another condescending leftist telling you how to think,
feel and act.
This time, it's Michelle Obama reminding the ladies
that she knows what's best for us.
Senator Flake, you are America's ex-boyfriend.
You knew you were gonna get dumped, so you dumped us first.
Well, don't let the door hit you on the way out.
And Hillary said she was appalled.
Really, Hillary? Were you really appalled?
Were you appalled by Bill, too?
Because you stayed with him.
I don't believe any of this.
I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sick and tired of hearing
these liberal entertainers,
many of whom have never bought, touched or shot a firearm,
lecture the rest of us on our second-amendment rights.
Hillary, what happened?
You happened.
Does Tomi Lahren just wake up in the morning and go,
"Hey. What if the movie 'Mean Girls' was the news?"
Now, let's move on to MSNBC, the network that hates Trump
more than Trump hates normal-length ties.
This March, my girl, Rachel Maddow,
dropped one of the top cable news moments of the year,
Donald Trump's tax returns.
Good evening, Chris.
It's been a little bit of a hullaballoo
around here this evening. -I can't imagine!
I apologize for being a little flustered.
You may have heard, we've got some significant
breaking news tonight.
Donald Trump's tax returns have surfaced.
Do you remember how excited we were?
Like, this was the liberal Super Bowl party.
I had a platter with quinoa and gluten-free nachos.
We could not wait, right?
Come on, woke baes, but we had to wait a lot.
In just a second, we are going to show you exactly
what it is that we've got.
This document has been made available.
Part of what's very important about this story...
When Richard Nixon said, "I am not a crook,"
he wasn't talking about Watergate.
He was talking about his taxes.
Hillary Clinton, she released every year of her tax returns.
...back to 19...
This particular Russian oligarch, the guy who paid
Trump all that money for that house.
Does the President have foreign bank accounts?
Did Turkey have a financial relationship with the President?
This 2005 tax return.
We'll go through it next.
Come on, Rachel!
Give it to me!
It's been 4 hours.
I got to pee. All right?
I saw two Bollywood movies in that time.
We have his federal tax return for 1 year, for 2005.
What we have are these two pages.
Two pages?!
I've been to food trucks with longer menus.
Are you joking me, Rach?
And after all that, you know what we learned?
In 2005, Donald Trump made a lot of money and paid some taxes.
MSNBC, please stop hyping things up and underdelivering.
It's the news, not the "Justice League" movie, okay?
But if you want the real goods in 2017,
you had to turn to the ancestral home of adults
yelling at each other,
CNN, baby,
and for me, CNN's Man of the Year was Don Lemon.
My man Don was not playing games,
even when Roy Moore's lawyer tried
to lighten up the pedophilia discussion.
Yeah, man. It's great to be on here, Don.
I appreciate it,
hoping I'll be able to give you the name Don,
"Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy," right?
You're gonna take it easy on me.
Hey, Don "Lemon Squeezy Keep It Easy,"
here's the thing, man.
It's just Lemon.
My mom didn't name me... Hold on, man.
My mom didn't name me "Don Lemon"...
-I got you. -..."Easy Squeezy."
It's just Don Lemon. Go on.
I got you, man.
That's right.
"Squeezy Keep It Easy" is not Don Lemon's name.
It's the title of his debut R&B album.
Now, I was wondering, why was Don Lemon being so serious
for the past 12 months?
Then I remembered, it might be because
he got turnt last New Year's.
Hello. Hello.
Hello. Happy almost New Year.
How are you? -Happy New Year.
This is way too early to start this.
We want a shot? I will do a shot.
All right. It's 5:00 somewhere.
Hold that. -I hope you guys are...
Can you hear us?
...counting how many times he's doing this.
We really don't need to see what's about to happen here.
-No. No. No. -Oh! Oh!
Ow! Mother...
Oh, the hole, crap!
But I don't really do resolutions,
and I live my life to the fullest.
I don't care what people think about me.
I do what I want because it's my life.
You know what I'm saying?
Don't put me in a box.
That's why Muslims don't drink, okay?
By the way, that was before Trump
became President, so this year
I can't wait to see Don Lemon's
New Year's Eve nipple ring.
Happy New Year's, you guys.
Take care.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hasan Minhaj, everybody.