Regular video game endings are usually pretty good, but alternate endings can make video
games worth playing through a second or even a third time.
Some are optimistic, others are total bummers, and some are just plain bonkers.
Naturally, it's nutty endings like these that are almost always the funniest and most genius
endings of all.
Bard's Tale
Already a snarky game, Bard's Tale is a parody of all the epic adventures that take their
quests super-duper seriously.
At the game's climax, your character has a choice: side with the Demon Princess and help
her destroy the world, or eliminate her alongside the Druid Leader.
Neither choice, however, holds a candle to the most sensible one of all: saying to hell
with both of them by choosing "Out of Here."
"Good luck and, oh, don't forget to write."
With that, your character just walks off to grab a drink.
Seriously.
He finds his favorite pub overrun by zombies, but instead of slaying them, drinks with them.
Everyone has a gay old time as the world of the living is slowly suffocated by the undead,
but as long as somebody keeps the beer flowing, who cares?
"Screw you guys, I'm going home."
Chrono Trigger
There are over a dozen endings for Chrono Trigger.
To get the goofiest one, fight Lavos after Schala opens the Queen's door but before you
power up your pendant.
You'll end up with Marle and Lucca shattering the fourth wall while gossiping about boys.
The ladies complain about the game being over then present a slide show of the various male
characters while giggling about them.
They see a hunky soldier and comment on the "VERY nice scenery," dismiss an older guy
as "shifty," laugh about a handsome dude who may or may not "pluck his eyebrows," and debate
whether a caveman is hot or not.
Finally, Crono shows up to do the one thing nobody expects from him: he talks.
That's it, the end.
And if you were curious, there isn't a corresponding "gossip about pretty girls" ending.
You'll just have to ponder dating Ayla the cavewoman on your lonesome.
[Music]
Tekken 6
There are a lot of non-canon endings to Tekken, but the strangest, funniest, and most explosive
of all has to be Lee's from Tekken 6.
Lee hates the Mishimas because they're kind of his adopted family and they screwed him
over.
So if you win the game as Lee, he takes full advantage of his newfound power.
Watch as he kidnaps Heihachi, Kazuya, and Jin, then straps them to giant rockets and
tortures them with explosive golf balls.
On the one hand, it's the lives of three people on his hands.
On the other, it's way more entertaining than standard golf.
Find a non-lethal version of this and watch the PGA's ratings… skyrocket.
1213
Playing 1213 might be free, but the money you save will likely go straight to your therapy
bill.
At the end of the game, your character escapes his underground bunker only to find a planet
with no breathable atmosphere.
While your character is immune to the poisonous gases, he has too much brain damage to be
of use to anyone.
To find the better, secret ending, endure the real, super-depressing one first.
When your stats show up, blink sadly at the screen until you get a code.
Play the game again, use that code to get a special item, and escape the bunker.
Instead of a world filled with poisonous gases, you get one filled with chocolate.
Everything is chocolate -- the houses, the roads, and even the people are all cocoa-loaded
goodness.
If diabetes takes your character, at least he'll go fat, happy, and filled with candy
goodness.
There are worse ways to live out the end of the world.
Undertale
In Undertale, you have the option of destroying as many or as few monsters as you like.
What ending you get depends on just how bloodthirsty you are.
To get the silliest ending of all, you need to eliminate four monsters -- Toriel, Papyrus,
Undyne, and Mettaton -- and that's it.
After the credits roll, the monster Sans calls to inform you that the annoying white dog
who kept screwing up your progress is now president of the underworld.
He sounds like the laziest leader of all-time.
Meanwhile, Flowey, the evil flower, shows up to yell at you for ruining his plans.
And that's the way the underworld ends: not with a bang, but with a delusional, homicidal,
flowery whimper.
Mortal Kombat 9
For the most hilarious Mortal Kombat 9 ending, just beat Shao Khan with Stryker.
The only challenge is convincing yourself to play as Stryker rather than someone much
cooler.
Stryker, having saved the world, is hailed as a hero and receives a ticker-tape parade,
the Congressional Medal of Freedom, and a one-way ticket to Celebrityville.
Of course, Hollywood wanted to do a blockbuster movie, but Stryker refused for the greatest
reason possible.
The studio wanted to cast Johnny Cage as Stryker, but under no circumstances would the cop allow
himself to be played by such an egomaniacal blowhard.
It's an awesome punchline, the Fatality of savage put-downs.
"Ooh, sick burn!"
Final Fantasy 13-2
There are plenty of strange endings for Final Fantasy 13-2.
The best comes by way of defeating a Giant Flan boss without making the battle easier
by solving the paradox.
After defeating the flan, Serah and Noel accidentally unleash "gelatinous organisms" the world over.
The world becomes the property of flans, with one giant, evil flan to rule them all.
Noel and Serah magically transform themselves to look like monsters so they can sneak in
and present the giant flan king with a delicious feast of poison flan.
So the flan are cannibals now, in case you needed another reason to be disturbed.
It gets weirder.
After Noel nags Mog to get all the ingredients for the poison flan, Mog angrily rants about
doing all the work, threatens to poison Noel with the flan, and then has a manic breakdown
as he fades into the darkness.
And that's all folks -- you don't actually get to take on King Flan, and whether or not
your party ever does is left entirely to your presumably very confused imagination.
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