Listen, I don't wanna hate people,
they make me hate them.
I start out loving everybody,
it's what you do,
that causes me to hate you.
I'm a victim.
(audience laughing)
I'm a victim.
I'll give you an example.
I had a car accident,
I'm okay, young kid,
stoned out of his mind,
on his cell phone,
music blaring, looked a lot like you.
(audience laughing)
He barrels into the back of my car,
gets out of the car, comes up to me,
he's like, "Dude,
"I don't know what happened, dude."
I go, oh, what happened,
is your mother forgot her
birth control in 1997.
(audience laughing)
That's what happened dude.
I didn't wanna say that.
He made me say it.
(audience laughing)
I was a victim.
I was victimized.
How about this,
on the airplane coming here,
the woman in the seat
behind me gets up
and starts spritzing cinnamon.
She's—
I go, lady, what are you doing?
She goes, "Well, it's natural."
Well, yeah, so is my butt,
but I'm not putting it in your face.
(audience laughing)
I didn't want to hate her.
She made me hate her.
(audience laughing)
I was a victim.
(audience laughing)
I had to call the department
of vital statistics
in New York city,
and I said to the man
on the other end of the phone,
I said, sir, I need a copy
of a death certificate.
He said, "Is it for you?"
(audience laughing)
I said, yes, I plan ahead.
I like planning ahead.
That's what I do.
I'm dead on the inside.
Does that count?
(audience laughing)
Can my ghost
pick it up on Wednesday?
(audience laughing)
I spent a lot of time in San Francisco,
and there's really good people there.
Environmentalists,
if they find a turtle with a tumor,
they will reroute the entire freeway.
(audience laughing)
Healthy, healthy.
My friend made me a veggie burger,
she says, "Maureen,
"it has corn and beans,
"it needs a little something else."
I go, it needs beef,
that's what that needs,
that needs beef,
lamb, veal,
give me something in a . . .
sometimes, too politically correct.
Sometimes.
I did a—
I did my solo show,
"Daughter of a Garbage Man,"
and it is about my father being raised
in a working class family,
and in the show,
I say that my father is a blend of
Archie Bunker, Fred Sanford,
and Marlon Brando the early years,
not the fat years.
(audience laughing)
This middle-aged woman,
comes up to me after the show,
and says,
"I'm offended that you used
"the word fat.
"I used to have eating issues."
Well, who didn't, get in line.
(audience laughing)
"And my therapist,
"says I need to confront things,
"that trigger me."
(audience laughing)
And you picked me?
You picked me.
You've known me an hour,
and I'm the problem?
Really?
I think you should
confront cake and cookies,
that's what you should confront.
(audience laughing)
How did I become
a part of your nightmare?
I didn't wanna hate her,
she made me hate her.
(audience laughing)
You see, I was a victim.
(audience laughing)
I got a call
from Caroline's on Broadway,
in New York city,
and Caroline said to me, "Maureen,
"I'm doing a private event,
"I want five women on the bill,
"I'd like you to be one of them."
I said, oh goodness gracious me,
I would love that.
And she said, "But there's one caveat,
"one condition."
She said . . .
(audience laughing)
"You have to talk about menopause."
But I don't—I mean,
I talk about men don't pause
when you hit a certain age, but . . .
but I just don't identify,
I don't have symptoms.
She said, "It pays $5,000."
I said, oh my goodness,
I just got a hot flash.
Like I can't, I can't stop sweating.
(audience laughing)
I can't stop sweating.
So I have to go get the makeup
at the Bloomingdale's,
and as I head to the counter,
this young hopeful dewy thing,
looks at me aghast,
she was like, "Oh, oh, oh,
"you have mature skin."
(audience laughing)
As if it's contagious
(audience laughing)
and it is, she'll catch it in 20 years.
(audience laughing)
"You have to go over there,
"to the mature skin counter,
"way over there,
"way, past your prime, keep going.
"You'll see bitterness,
"regret, rage, keep on going,
"keep going, until you see
"the diuretics, the dry eye,
"and the adult
"Depends dignity diapers.
"When you get to the adult
"Depends dignity diapers,
"you are in the right place."
And my doctor says, "Well,
"Maureen, at your age,
"you may need them,
"because you could get
"sudden bladder leakage."
And I said, when?
And she said, "Suddenly."
(audience laughing)
I don't know sir,
I don't know if tonight's the night,
I don't know.
No idea, get some galoshes.
I don't know
what to tell you, I'm sorry.
(audience laughing)
All I know, is I'm getting Botox,
because if I'm gonna pee on myself,
at least I'll look pretty.
(audience cheers)