-Thank you, everybody.
I, um...
I've got to be honest -- I'm a little bit envious
of the people who are visiting New York,
because I live here, and it is very expensive, man.
The rent goes up every single year, for no real reason at all.
Every year, a landlord knocks on your door and is like,
"Wow. You're still living in there?
[ Laughter ]
I guess we made last year too easy for you, huh?"
They should really change the slogan of this city.
Like, "If you can make it here, you could have owned land
in a lot of other places."
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
"You could have had a house, and a boat, and a real family.
Why are you doing this to yourself?"
And if you ask people, they're like, "Well, the pizza's good."
[ Laughter ]
I need to know where the pizza's that bad
that New York rent is the option.
[ Laughter ]
Pizza is just bread, sauce, and cheese.
It's hard to mess it up.
There's only two levels of pizza --
great and fine.
[ Laughter ]
Completely okay.
I've never had a slice of pizza so bad I'm like,
"You've got to be kidding me!"
[ Laughter ]
"Get this out of my face!"
Everybody in this room has had microwaved pizza.
It's absolutely disgusting, but it's pretty good.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I...
I've been trying to stay away from pizza.
I'm trying to be healthier. I started going to a gym,
mostly because I just got broken down
by all the billboards and slogans, you know?
You're walking down the street,
and there's just giant billbaords
of hot, half-naked sweaty people
glaring at you with a slogan underneath, like,
"Hey, anybody think about having sex with you today?
[ Laughter ]
Didn't think so. Hit hat treadmill right now."
When you are healthy, though, there are a lot of benefits.
Like, even just going to places that serve healthy food,
because they care about how it looks.
They want it to be presented nice.
Fast food places do not care at all.
All food from a fast-food place
looks like it was made during a riot.
[ Laughter ]
The bag...
The bag is crushed. Things are squished.
Like, is the manager in an arm bar?
How is there mustard on top of the bun?
There's...
[ Cheers and applause ]
There are also -- there are also no fights
at health-food places -- ever. Never.
Because nobody gets drunk and wants an arugula salad.
It doesn't happen.
[ Laughter ]
Nobody is drinking, and is like,
"Anybody else thinking quinoa?"
Never.
[ Laughter ]
But people do get drunk, and they want nuggets.
And they want them now!
"Give me those nuggets now, or I will dragon-kick you
through that drive-thru window!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
When you...
[ Cheers and applause ]
When you get a chance, YouTube "vegan restaurant fight."
[ Laughter ]
You can get to the bottom of all those videos,
because there are none.
[ Laughter ]
And then, YouTube "fast food fights."
Whoa! It is nine days of video.
You can't even watch it all, because as you try,
people just keep uploading more.
[ Laughter ]
It is hard to be healthy.
Like, even if you get health drinks, right?
On the side of healthy drinks, they have warnings.
They have warnings on health drinks that say,
"Warning! Only drink one of these a day."
Why?
Why can you only have one can of vitamins a day?
There is nothing on the side of a bottle of rum
that tells you to calm down at all.
[ Laughter ]
Nothing.
The only things is says is "Drink responsibly."
What does that even mean?
[ Light laughter ]
"Hey, if you're gonna get drunk,
make sure you're doing your taxes at the same time."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Have a few shots and go vote.
Make this a responsible night."
This is how hard it is to be healthy --
apples can kill you. Apples!
I read a thing that said that apples soak up pesticides.
So, if eat a lot of apples, you can die.
Like, an apple a day can literally bring a team
of doctors running your way...
[ Laughter ]
...screaming "Put the apple down!
You're better off snorting Doritos!"
[ Laughter ]
If you are gonna be healthy, you have to get organic food, right?
Have to get organic food, and that's so expensive.
And organic food, at one point in time, was just called "food."
It was just called "food."
And then, they modified food, and they were like,
"Well, we can't call this 'modified food.'
So, we'll call modified food 'food'
and food 'organic food.'"
[ Laughter ]
Now, you've got to make a real decision with yourself
when you go in the grocery store.
Like, "Do I want the good strawberries?
They're not gonna hurt me.
Nothing wrong with them, but they're $5.
Or do I want the modified strawberries" --
that are huge, too.
They're pulsating in the package.
[ Laughter ]
You can't even close the lid.
They're picking fights with blueberries beside them.
But they're $1.75.
"It's been a rough month.
I hope these strawberries don't attack my kids."
Thank you very much, everybody.
Appreciate you.
Have a good night.
♪♪
-Oh, my gosh.
Nathan Macintosh.
You can see him at...
the Gotham Comedy Club March 29th and 30th,
here in New York.