How can I give an accurate picture of just how manly this man is…
Okay, do you remember those Chuck Norris facts that were popular like 10 years ago?
“There are 10 million people in the World of Warcraft, because Chuck Norris allows them
to live!”
Well, it turns out they were invented for Teddy Roosevelt
This video is sponsored by the Great Courses Plus - free stuff at the end of the video!
Now young Teddy was actually a sickly kid with terrible asthma, but by age seven he
was already a hunter and a museum curator.
It all started when he got a discarded seal head from the local market and he proceeded
to spend the next two years killing any living thing he could get his hands on and stuffing
them in his bedroom.
He then grew up to be a gentleman and a scholar, graduating Harvard Magna cum laude and becoming
a published historian and ornithologist, on top of joining the rowing and boxing teams.
Now crippling asthma wasn’t good for such an intrepid young man, so he overcame it with
sheer force of will.
His doctors told him:
Hello, Theodore?
Yes, I wanted to inform you that you shouldn’t be doing anything that might trigger your
asthma, it could have serious adverse effects on your health, potentially leading -
Gonna stop you right there, chief.
Live fast die young, know what I’m saying?
Where are you right now?
But things weren’t all Alpine sunshine.
Shortly after his daughter was born, his mother died of fever.
Thank God I have you for support, honey
Where’s Alice?
A thud from upstairs.
Pan up to reveal Alice in her deathbed
And so Roosevelt makes like Batman and vows to fight for justice.
He becomes a politician in New York City, sniffing out corruption and running up against
party leaders.
Until soon he became a party leader, until soon he lost support.
So he did the next best thing and became a cowboy.
Moved to Dakota and dropped 14 grand on a cattle ranch.
Again he displays his mastery of the art of manliness in a local saloon, when a man with
a gun trots in and orders a round for the house, on Teddy.
So Teddy socks him in the jaw and knocks him senseless.
Teddy Roosevelt brought a fist to a gunfight, and won.
Satisfied with his time in the frontier, and also because a bad winter killed all his cows,
he returned to New York, this time setting out to reform the police force, so that his
men were manly and not using the NYPD as a cushy political job.
Speaking of political jobs, Teddy made campaign speeches for McKinley and now he’s assistant
secretary of the Navy!
Sudden much?
But Teddy didn’t believe in cushy.
He took on most of the duties of his boss and started advocating to kick Spain out of
Cuba.
And the president agreed, but he wanted to do it diplomatically.
And then the Maine blew up.
McKinley, to his credit, was still trying to de-escalate the situation, but yeah, that
didn’t happen.
Roosevelt?
I’m afraid we’re going to war.
One step ahead of ya, chief.
Also I quit.
What?
Can’t waste an opportunity to fight on the front lines!
Hyah!
And fight he did, going above and beyond anything he was ordered to do.
So now he’s an ornithologist, a historian, a cowboy, a police chief, a politician, and
a war hero!
Just the kind of person party boss Tom Platt needs to nominate for governor of New York,
even if he didn’t trust him.
And Teddy cinches the election.
Heck, he was on such a roll, maybe he could even be president someday.
And then the Vice President dies, and Teddy’s freinds tell him
Hey, you should run for VP!
Teddy says no because the VP does nothing.
And then he gets a message from McKinley saying
Just so you know, you’re not allowed to be my VP
But then
Hear ye, Hear ye, vote Roosevelt for VP at the Republican Convention!
Yes, it turns out the party boss who helped put Teddy in the governor’s office now wants
him out of office.
He and his party boss friends run Roosevelt’s entire campaign without him, put him on the
ballot against the president’s wishes, and he won unanimously.
So he and McKinley win, and now he’s Vice President.
And then McKinley dies.
Whoops.
And, look, his presidency is a video unto itself.
He broke up trusts, he made national parks, he made it so that food has to be edible and
drugs can’t kill you, he helped promote a federal income tax and an eight hour work
day, he passed nearly as many executive orders as the previous twenty-five presidents combined,
and he panned a man Panama cans.
The man’s face is on a mountain next to the guy who won the civil war and two of the
guys who made the country.
Let us just take a moment to acknowledge his legacy.
And now let’s move on to the fun stuff
It’s 1908, and Teddy chooses not to run for a third term.
Instead he installs his friend Taft as basically a younger version of himself, and runs off
to Africa where he kills 11,000 animals and brings their bodies to the Smithsonian.
When he gets back, it turns out Taft isn’t Teddy Roosevelt 2.0 so Teddy starts rethinking
that third term.
But Republicans aren’t about to give up their incumbent president for someone who
was only supposed to be VP.
So Teddy makes his own party.
It was during his third-party presidential campaign that a man in the crowd shot him
in the chest and he died.
Kidding - bullet passed through a steel eyeglass case and fifty sheets of paper, but, yeah,
it definitely pierced the skin.
So he begrudgingly tells the crowd
Sorry, friends, but I’ve just been shot.
So I’ll have to keep this short.
Thirty minutes later:
Because I believe the American people can decide for themselves - Not now!
Another hour later:
And that, friends, is why you should vote progressive!
All right, you - you can help me down now I’m feeling kinda dizzy
Despite all that, he ended up splitting the vote because first-past-the-post is a terrible
system and Wilson won instead.
So what does a man like Teddy Roosevelt do in a time like this?
He explores an uncharted river in the treacherous depths of the Amazon!
On this charming trip, one guy dies, one guy gets murdered, and one guy gets left for dead,
and Teddy gets an infection so bad he starts reciting someone else’s fever dream.
Then one of the most traumatic and devastating conflicts in human history popped up and 58-year-old
Teddy spotted an opportunity to relive his glory days.
He wrote to the government saying
Ooh!
Put me in, chief!
I can take ‘em!
And he got permission from Congress, but Wilson was a total buzzkill and said no.
Then Teddy developed some breathing trouble, his doctor made him feel better, and then
Death came for him in his sleep so he could avoid getting roundhoused in the face.
Okay, free stuff!
You want more Teddy?
Boom, conservationism, life lessons, all on the Great Courses Plus with their umpteen-thousand
other lessons.
But low-key, they’ve also got these how-to courses that I’ve been watching every night
and like: [gentle piano music] that’s not terrible!
Plus they’ve got like shop and gourmet baking and - am I making cream puffs for dessert
tonight?
Probably not, but I’ll be damned if this isn’t the most wholesome relaxing thing
to come home to.
So if you want the full thing, go to thegreatcourses.com/jackrackam or click the link in the description.
So long and thanks for all the fish!