DOES EVERYBODY WATCH "EUPHORIA" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS SUCH -- YEAH, MADAM! SUCH AN UNBELIEVABLE SHOW THAT,
WHEN I WATCH, IT COULD NOT BE MORE DIFFERENT TO MY HIGH SCHOOL
EXPERIENCE. ( LAUGHTER )
I'M, LIKE, WAS THIS GOING ON IN HIGH SCHOOL?
WHEN I WAS JUST SORT OF SAT IN A PARK WITH A FRIEND OF MINE IN A
HUGE BAG OF POTATO CHIPS, WAS THIS GOING ON?
REG, IF YOU COULD GO BACK AND RELIVE YOUR HIGH SCHOOL YEARS,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY? >> I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD DO
WEED EARLIER, BUT THERE'S NOT MUCH I --
>> James: WHAT AGE DID YOU DO WEED?
>> Reggie: LIKE SIX. >> James: I JUST THOUGHT THEY
WERE GOING THERE! ( LAUGHTER )
>> Reggie: I WOULD SAY PROBABLY 15 OR 16 IS WHEN I
WEEDED. BUT I DIDN'T GET HIGH THE FIRST
TIME. I GOT HIGH THE SECOND TIME ON A
BED WITH A COSTA RICAN FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT, AND SHE HELD
ON TO ME BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE ENTIRE BED WAS TILTING, AND THEN
SHE TOOK ME TO THE OTHER ROOM T- IN ANOTHER BED, I LAID DOWN ON
THE HOTEL BED AND MY FRIEND MELANIE LAID NEXT TO ME AND THEY
BOTH STARTED SUCKING ON MY FINGERS.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I GOT STONED.
>> James: SEE, THAT IS LIKE AN EPISODE OF "EUPHORIA"!
( APPLAUSE ) THAT IS THE SORT OF THING THAT
WOULD HAPPEN IN "EUPHORIA." MAYBE IT'S JUST BECAUSE I'M
BRITISH? >> NO, THAT'S WHY HE'S IN THE
BAND AND WE'RE TELLING JOKES. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: HOW OLD ARE THEY MEANT TO BE IN "EUPHORIA"?
>> 16, 17. >> James: THEY'RE NOT 16.
STOP. THEY'RE NOT 16.
THEY'RE 16 IN "EUPHORIA"? >> YEAH.
>> James: THAT? IN ITSELF IS RIDICULOUS.
NO ONE IS 16. EVEN THE DRUG DEALER LITTLE DUDE
ASH, HE'S, LIKE, 25. THE TALL DUDE, HE CAN'T BE 16
AND BE THAT -- >> YEAH, HE MAKES A NOISE WHEN
HE SITS DOWN TO DO DRUGS. HE'S LIKE, AAAHHH!
( GRUNTING ) >> James: HE CAN'T DRIVE A CAR
THAT FAST AND BE 16. THAT'S WHAT I KNOW.
BUT, YEAH, I THINK THE SHOW IS A MASTERPIECE.
>> IF THEY DID A "EUPHORIA" WHERE SOMEONE SHOPLIFTED A
LUNCHABLE AND PLAYED MADAN FOR NINE HOURS, WOULD BE, LIKE,
YEAH. >> James: SYDNEY SWEENEY IS
HERE. COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.
( APPLAUSE ) >> James: WE KNOW WHAT YOU'VE
COME FOR, WANT AND NEED AND THAT, THESE HERE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA AND THE OTHER 152 COUNTRIES CURRENTLY BROADCASTIN.
♪♪ ♪♪
( REGGIE IMPROVISES VOCALS ) >> James: THERE WAS HUGE NEWS
OUT OF THE NATION'S CAPITAL TODAY IT
WAS REPORTED THAT JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER WILL BE RETIRING
FROM THE SUPREME COURT, AFTER MORE THAN 27 YEARS ON THE COURT.
UNFORTUNATELY, FOR BREYER, THIS IS THE ONLY JOB IN WHICH YOU
WEAR LESS ROBES AFTER YOU RETIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) I HOPE HE KNOWS THAT.
BUT THIS DOES PAVE THE WAY FOR PRESIDENT BIDEN TO CHOOSE HIS
REPLACEMENT. TO WHICH MERRICK GARLAND SAID,
"HAHAHAHAHA," HERE'S A PICTURE OF STEPHEN BREYER HERE
THERE YOU GO. ADMIT IT.
YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE HIM. YOU DON'T.
BUT HE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE WHAT YOU THOUGHT SUPREME COURT
JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER WOULD LOOK LIKE.
ISN'T IT? IT'S NOT EVEN HIM.
THAT'S NOT EVEN HIM. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT ISN'T HIM. THAT'S A PHOTOSHOPPED IMAGE.
I'M JOKING. IT IS.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL JOKES ASIDE.
THAT'S STEPHEN BREYER. IN OTHER NEWS, TENSIONS BETWEEN
THE UNITED STATES AND RUSSIA CONTINUE TO SIMMER OVER THE
UKRAINIAN SITUATION. YESTERDAY, THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION THREATENED DIRECT SANCTIONS ON VLADIMIR PUTIN.
AND THIS MORNING, THE KREMLIN RESPONDED BY SAYING PERSONAL
SANCTIONS ON PUTIN WOULD NOT HURT HIM.
AND THEN THE KREMLIN WAS LIKE, (RUSSIAN ACCENT) IN RUSSIA, PAIN
IS LIFE. PUTIN SAID THE PERSONAL
SANCTIONS WOULD NOT HURT HIM, AND HE SAID IT WHILE DOING
SHIRTLESS PUSH-UPS ON THE EDGE OF A FROZEN WATERFALL.
( LAUGHTER ) DID EVERYBODY HEAR ABOUT THIS?
AMAZON HAS OFFICIALLY ENDORSED A REPUBLCAN -SPONSORED BILL THAT
WOULD LEGALIZE MARIJUANA ON A FEDERAL LEVEL.
AMAZON SAYS IT WOULD MAKE HIRING EASIER.
YEAH. I GET IT.
LEGALIZING MARIJUANA COULD REALLY HELP AMAZON.
NOT TO MENTION DOOR DASH, POSTMATES, AND UBER EATS.
BIG CORPORATIONS AND REPUBLICANS TEAMING UP ON A BILL TO LEGALIZE
MARIJUANA. THIS FEELS VERY MUCH LIKE WHEN
YOUR DAD GOES, COME ON, SON, YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW, I'M HERE.
LET'S POP A DOOB. COME ON, BUDDY, LISTEN, 17,
LET'S SKIN UP. YU EVER SMOKE WEED WITH YOUR
PARENTS? >> NOT WITH MY MOM, AND MY DAD
IS A PRACTICING ATTORNEY, SO I DON'T THINK I'M ALLOWED TO SAY
THAT I'VE SMOKED WEED WITH HIM. OR THAT HE SMOKES WEED EVERY
DAY. EVERY DAY SINCE HE'S 17 YEARS
OLD, HE'S SMOKED WEED. LIKE LEGALLY HE DOESN'T.
THIS IS ALL SATIRE. HE DOESN'T.
I'M JOKING. BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN HE IS A
MEMBER OF THE OREGON STATE BAR PRACTICING LAW IN PORTLAND,
OREGON, SO, OF COURSE, HE DOESN'T.
BUT THAT DUDE, LIKE, EVERY DAY! >> James: I CAN'T IMAGINE MY
PARENTS HIGH. I REALLY CAN'T.
I REALLY CAN'T IMAGINE MARGARET -- SHE WOULD GIGGLE HER
( BLEEP ) OFF. SHE WOULD -- SHE WOULD JUST
CRUMBLE INTO A MESS OF GIGGLES, AND I THINK MY DAD WOULD JUST GO
REAL SILENT. THEY'RE GOING TO FILM FOR US AT
THE SUPER BOWL. >> YEAH.
>> James: WE'RE GOING TO TRY TO GET MY DAD TO TRY SOME OF
SNOOP'S WEED. >> YES.
>> James: COULD YOU IMAGINE THAT?
>> THANK YOU. TOO STRONG.
>> James: IT WOULD BE A REALLY STRONG STRAIN.
>> YEAH, BUT HE SHOULD DO IT. >> James: I THINK YOU WILL
FLAT LINE HIM. I THINK YOU WILL BE LIKE --
( COUGHING ) ( GAGGING )
>> YEP. >> James: YOU GUYS WANT TO GET
SOMETHING TO EAT? >> THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT. >> James: MOVING ON --
ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, SEVEN IN TEN AMERICANS THINK COOKING
FOR THEIR PARTNER FEELS MORE INTIMATE THAN HAVING SEX.
I GUESS I'VE JUST NEVER THOUGHT OF FOOD AND SEX AS AN EITHER/OR
SITUATION. BUT I GET IT.
THERE'S NOTHING HOTTER THAN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER LIGHTING SOME
CANDLES, SETTING THE MOOD, AND LAYERING A LASAGNA LIKE IT'S THE
POTTERY WHEEL SCENE FROM GHOST. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU WANTED AN ACT-OUT, ROB. YOU NAILED IT.
>> James: SHOW US WHAT YOU HAD IN YOUR MIND VISUALLY.
>> THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING OF.
>> James: YOU SAID I THINK THE GHOST JOKE WOULD WORK.
>> IN THE GREAT HANDS OF A COMEDIC ACTOR.
>> James: THAT'S WHY I NEED TO SEE IT FROM YOU.
>> James: AMERICANS THINK COOKING FOR A PARTNER IS MORE
INTIMATE THAN SEX. WOULD YOU AGREE WITH THAT, NICK?
DOES YOUR WIFE GET TURNED ON EVERY TIME YOU MICROWAVE A
TRAILER JOES POT OF CHICKEN? ( IMPROVISING INSTRUMENTS )
( LAUGHTER ) IS THAT WHAT IT'S LIKE?
>> IS THAT ME ROTATING, LIKE, THE MICROWAVE?
>> James: NO, THE FOOD'S OVER THERE, THE MICROWAVE'S OVER
THERE. YOU'RE JUST LIKE, ANDREA -- PULL
THIS POT OF CHICKEN OUT. ( LAUGHTER )
>> I GOT TO PIERCE THAT BABY. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN YOU PUT IT IN AND AS IT SPINS YOU JUST MAINTAIN EYE
CONTACT. DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME TILL YOU
HEAR THAT PING, BABY. ( SEXY MUSIC )
I'M THE SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF WEST COAST LATE NIGHT
PROGRAMMING AND BEFORE YOU SAY NO YOU'RE RIGHT, THERE IS NO
SENIOR PRESENT. MOVING ON -- DON'T STOP.
STOP IT, GUYS. STOP.
MOVING ON -- THE TRANSIT AUTHORITY IN THE
COUNTRY OF SLOVAKIA HAS JUST APPROVED A NEW FLYING CAR -
WHICH COULD BE COMMERCIALLY AVAILABLE WITHIN TWELVE MONTHS.
PRETTY REMARKABLE, HERE IT IS IN ACTION:
THIS IS COMPLETELY REAL FOOTAGE. >> Reggie: OH, YEAH.
>> James: LOOK AT THAT. THAT'S IT IN THE SKY.
AND HERE IT IS COMING IN FOR A LANDING, AND DRIVING LIKE A
REGULAR CAR. I LOVE THE IDEA OF OWNING ONE OF
THESE. I HATE THE IDEA OF EVERYONE ELSE
OWNING ONE OF THESE. ( LAUGHTER )
MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO HANDLE A FOUR-WAY STOP SIGN.
LET'S PUT THOSE PEOPLE IN THE AIR ASAP.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? AND FINALLY, WE HAVE AN UPDATE
ON A STORY WE TOLD YOU ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
A CONSERVATIVE POLITICIAN IN BRITAIN IS NOW DEFENDING # BORIS
JOHNSON POTENTIALLY ILLEGAL BIRTHDAY
PARTY DURING SHUTDOWN - SAYING THE PRIME MINISTER WAS, QUOTE,
AMBUSHED WITH A CAKE. SERIOUSLY?
IT'S A CAKE! GO, GO!
REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENS WITH JOHNSON'S POLITICAL CAREER.
NEXT WEEK REGGIE AND I WILL DEFINITELY BE PITCHING
AMBUSHED WITH A CAKE TO THE FOOD NETWORK.
AND THAT'S THE NEWS WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
"LATE LATE SHOW." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )