My guest tonight is a comedian and actress
who hosts the Netflix series 'Nailed It,'
the TBS series, 'Wipe Out,' as well as
five podcasts, including 'Why Won't You Date Me?'
which is now part of the Team Coco Podcast Network.
We are thrilled to have her.
Please welcome my good friend, Nicole Byer.
Hey Nicole, how are you?
Oh, Conan, I am great.
I had surgery this morning on my ankle.
I still have my hospital bracelets on,
I forgot to take them off.
That's right, so wait, you hurt your ankle.
What did you do? You broke it?
I dislocated my ankle and broke my fibula
because I fell down the stairs.
Cause I'm, I don't know. I guess I'm a little clumsy.
Okay. So there was no like drinking involved at the time?
No, unfortunately it's the least interesting story.
I was just holding a dress and then the dress
kind of fell down and I slipped on the dress.
A dress was not a take me out.
Right? You should Sue the dress manufacturer.
Yeah.
You should Sue the people that made the stairs.
Yeah.
You should Sue gravity.
Yeah
You should Sue everybody.
Everybody should get sued.
Imma to sue gravity first.
(laughs)
You know, let's talk about something pandemic.
Okay
I know you, you're someone that likes to have fun.
You like to have a good time.
How are you entertaining yourself
while you're locked inside,
what are you doing?
A lot of things.
Well, since I broke my body,
it's a lot of sitting, scrolling through Instagram
and buying everything I can find.
Really?
I bought a sexy burger costume because why not?
(laughs)
You bought a sexy burger costume?
Like the buns, the tity parts, the parts of the buns.
And there's a little sesame seeds.
And then there's a little burger part at the bottom.
And then there's lettuce and tomatoes.
It's very cute.
Here it is.
And this is you in the burger costume.
And I have to say, it's sexy.
This is a sexy outfit.
Thank you.
And some people commented.
They're like, "why didn't you get it as a bikini?"
And I was like, it's literally on over my clothing.
It is a bikini.
So, let me ask you, would you ever wear this at the beach?
See, I don't think I would ever wear it at the beach
because I feel like the salt water and the sand
might ruin it, but I do think I'm going to wear it
pole dancing and then put a nice jaunty McDonald's tune
under it, like bye-bye.
(laughs)
Maybe, you know what?
McDonald's people might be happy with that.
They might be cool with that.
Right?
Yeah. And then you get a little something.
You get little paid.
Yeah. Lots of cheeseburger use.
Oh, I meant money.
Yeah, milkshakes.
No, you don't want to get paid at the food is fine
but you want money from McDonald's?
No, no, you don't want to need that.
Hey, let me ask you about you posted this.
It looks like you're really getting into fashion
while you're in quarantine.
I guess it's just, like in November when I fell
till about like now I've truly just looked like trash.
So I was like, let's dress up
and that's from Fashion Brand Company.
This dress I'm wearing is also from Fashion Brand Company.
And I came downstairs and the nice man who lives with me
was like, "Nicole you look like paddington two
"goes to jail."
I've never seen Paddington two, but I went on the internet.
I googled and I looked just like Paddington 2 Goes To Jail.
(laughs) I see it right here.
(laughs)
That's not just sort of like, it's a direct rip off.
It truly is.
I found it, I was like, "Oh man, this is a real treat."
It's so funny to me.
Have you watched 'Paddington 2' by the way?
No, I haven't seen it yet, but I think I'm gonna watch it.
People say it's very good. Let me tell you something.
This is a complete side note.
Someone explained to me whose opinion I really respect
that it's the perfect movie in every respect.
And I thought that can't be true.
And I watched it and it is.
I'm not kidding.
I knew it.
It is the perfect movie on every level.
I've also been told Paddington 2 is better
than Paddington UNO.
Yeah, no it's like a Godfather Two, Godfather One.
The only other film to achieve that status.
Paddington, who'd have thought.
Now someone told me you're getting into farming.
Yes, I'm a farmer.
I have tomatoes, cherry tomatoes and heirlooms.
And now my cherry tomatoes
they are giving me a pretty fruitful bounty.
I'm having lovely harvests, just a real treat.
My heirlooms on the other hand,
I am not getting a fruitful bounty.
My harvest are very small and few in between.
I also have a watermelon that I grew incorrectly
too much rhine, not enough meat.
My cucumbers one was good, one got all effed up, messed up.
And then the other one died.
And then my carrots, I don't know what I'm doing.
They're not thriving.
Yeah.
What else do I have?
Ooh, I got peppers that just won't grow.
Okay. This is what I'm gonna say.
Here's the effect of quarantine on you Nicole,
over the years, you and I have spoken many times.
Yes.
And you always talk at great length
about your well raunchy, sex life.
Yeah.
Sexual matters, you're very explicit
about gentlemen that you've hooked up with...
Yeah.
And you go into great detail and I get very embarrassed.
Now, after almost a year of quarantine,
you're talking about tomatoes and carrots
and how they're not thriving.
Is this the new Nicole Byer?
No, when life goes back to normal,
which it will, I will hop back on the (beep)
and I will be riding them all day long.
I cannot wait.
But for right now, as a lady who's scared of Corona
and refuses to die from it.
I am farming, frolic things like my cucumbers, my carrots,
I was told zucchinis are good growers.
So I might get some zucchinis, but it's getting to be a lot.
But do you think that
because you're getting into this farming language
that when you get into dating again
you're gonna talk about your dating life
but you're gonna be using farming terminology.
( Nicole laughs)
You're going to be saying like, well
lately I've been dating a penis that is not thriving.
They're not thriving.
You're not developing.
I don't know what the problem is.
This penis is not ready to harvest.
(laughs)
Soon it will be, but I don't think it's ready right now.
Let me see your nails.
Let me see those nails Nicole.
Look at those now what's going on there?
So I got into fake nails.
I missed having my long nails.
Can't go to a salon.
I refuse to die for my nails.
So I ordered them online and they look pretty good.
They make me happy.
You look fantastic, can I see a closeup
it looks like there's translucent ones.
Yes. This one.
It's like, see-through,
Look at that.
It almost looks like you could have little goldfish
in there swimming around.
I wish because then I could take my little pet
goldfish everywhere with me.
Let me ask you a question.
Why is it that women get to do that, but men can't?
I mean, why can't I get fake nails?
You can get fake nails.
Gender is a construct.
A gendered clothing is insane.
You can wear whatever you want.
Promise you can make it seem funny, but just go.
"Hello? I'm Conan O'Brien, I'm thriving,
"I'm doing well, I want fake nails and I'm living."
You know what?
Next time that you and I are together in the same space.
I want to get fake nails put on.
We'll do that because...
I wanna see you fully and drag.
You want me fully and drag?
Yeah. Heels and everything.
You'd be the tallest drag queen.
You've also got a nice slender body.
So clothing, but just hang off of you.
You've got a full head of hair.
So maybe we can do like a little, like a short,
maybe slick do, I see it for you.
So you think I'd make a great drag queen?
Yes. I think you'd be stunning.
I actually might be a lot more attractive in drag.
I think its possible...
Conan you gotta stop
with this whole self-deprecating thing.
You're stunning.
You have all of your teeth.
Your skin is so smooth and you have two eyes.
And look at that nose...
(Conan laughs) Your nose is so cute
Thank you for setting the lowest bar ever for me Nicole.
(laughs)
You have functioning eyes.
Your ocular jelly is in the orbits and it's functioning.
(Nicole laughs)
So you're gorgeous.
You're right, well, you've pumped me up.
I now think I'm a male model,
So thank you very much for that.
I wanna congratulate you also because your podcast,
'Why Don't You Date Me?'
Which by the way I do wanna mention,
is now part of the Team Coco Podcast Network.
And we're thrilled to be working with you
because you are hilarious and lovely
and very entertaining always,
but your podcast won a big award.
You won Best Female Host for a Podcast.
There's like a million podcasts out there...
I know.
And you won and you beat out some huge competition.
Yes it's because I host four podcasts at this point.
So they were like, "I don't know, she has them all.
"We have to give her an award."
(Conan laughs)
You're being a little modest.
I think you did deserve to win.
Well, I'm happy for you.
I'm glad that your leg is on the mend.
'Why Won't You Date Me' is available
wherever you can get your podcasts and 'Wipe Out'
is going to be coming soon to TBS.
Congratulations on that.
Thank you.
You are a crazy busy.
I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you're doing it.
Aaw thank you, Conan.
All right, and I will talk to you soon.
Yes. Okay. Bye-bye Conan.