Let's talk about Toronto, because tomorrow morning
they will choose a new mayor.
Now sadly, sadly, current mayor, Rob Ford, everyone's favorite walking
beefsteak tomato, is not running for reelection.
But don't despair, for there is another.
Rob Ford has a brother, Doug Ford, who is running for mayor.
And if you are wondering how alike they are, please enjoy this
little clip.
(Playground noises)
TOM: I gotcha. DOUG: I know.
NEWSCASTER: The funny thing is, like all typical siblings,
the goal is when you're on a seesaw to jack your sibling off.
NEWSCASTER: Totally.
OLIVER: You know what? You know what?
You laugh, but he's right.
On a seesaw, you really want to jack your sibling off.
You want to do anything to get him off, beat him,
beat him off that seesaw.
Make him come right down to the ground because you beat him off
so hard, on that seesaw.
But, but look, now, to become mayor, Doug Ford has had some tricky
political obstacles to overcome.
For instance, his brother has allegedly used anti-Semitic language
in the past, and Doug was asked about that in a debate at a Jewish
high school in Toronto.
I'm going to play you the first few seconds of his response.
DOUG FORD: You know something? My, my doctor, my Jewish doctor,
my Jewish dentist, my Jewish lawyer-- (Boos from audience)
DOUG FORD: --my Jewish, hold it, accountant.
OLIVER: Wait, why is everyone booing? I love Jews.
I love everything about you, the tiny hats, the big crackers
that you eat, your weird Christmas candles, I love it.
Why are you booing me?
Look, it wasn't the best response, sure, which is why after having a
night to sleep on it, Doug took a second crack at it.
DOUG FORD: The Ford family has an extensive relationship,
a great relationship with the Jewish community.
Matter of fact, my wife is Jewish.
OLIVER: Ooh. How about that? That is a convenient fact to have
remembered seemingly in the middle of your sentence.
Unfortunately, a local reporter then cast doubts on Doug's claim,
forcing Doug Ford to bring out his definitely Jewish wife to talk about
her definitely Jewish heritage, which went definitely
spectacularly well.
KARLA FORD: My mother's family has Jewish bloodlines.
I don't practice Judism. I never have.
OLIVER: So, listen, she doesn't practice Judism.
Hence, I guess, her use of the term Judism.
But, though her ancestors may or may not have been Judesque.
But, look, none of this matters because by that point Doug Ford had
moved on to his next scandal.
After being overheard allegedly referring to the journalist who'd
questioned his wife's Judism as a little bitch, a charge he then
spectacularly denied.
DOUG FORD: I was falsely accused from the Toronto Star.
I was having a private conversation, walking out with two staff members,
and I guess they just assumed I was talking about someone in that room.
It had nothing to do with anyone in that room last night whatsoever.
OLIVER: I was talking about a completely different little bitch
in a completely different room.
If I was talking about that little bitch, she'd know about it.
Are we done here? Why are you booing me?
Look, look, Toronto, I think I speak on behalf of the rest of the world
when I deliver you this message, please, please, elect this man.
Sure, sure, sure, his brother was fun, but at a certain point we felt
bad laughing at him, whereas Doug Ford doesn't have a drug problem.
He's just an asshole, a non-chemically assisted asshole.
So please, Toronto, I beg you, let us laugh at your asshole for
another four years. Yours sincerely,
everyone who does not live in Toronto.
Captioned by The Closed Captioning Project