- I'd just stay home and play with my dick all day.
That's all I'd do.
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy")
- My ideal day as a man starts with me peeing standing up.
- I wanna know the way it feels to pee
or the difference between boxers and boxer briefs.
- I'd jack off 'cause I think that's what they do, right?
- I mean women don't talk about...
Women play with their boobs a lot.
It's just a thing.
- I think it'd be interesting to see
what it's like to feel threatening
'cause I never feel threatening.
No one is ever afraid of me,
so I'd really like to test that.
- I would always walk around with my pelvis
facing forward because I'm a man,
and my dick is everything.
- Then I would hit the streets
and start talking to the ladies. (laughs)
- 'Cause I think I'd be really good at it as a guy.
- And see if I could check them out in a way
that makes them feel good about themselves.
- I would treat women with respect.
I'd give them flowers and roses.
- I think I'd spend the entire day
with my shirt off.
- Oh yeah, I would definitely...
I would spray a shit ton of Axe under my
ridiculously hairy armpits.
- I'd look at my penis and be like, "Woah, thanks God."
- And go for this run and just have tons of chicks
just running after me.
- I'd have sex a lot.
All the time, probably.
- And then I'd like to lead some sort of meeting.
- Oh, I would take an eggplant Friday selfie.
- I'd like to have a whiteboard and a pen
and make people listen to me.
- I think I'd jack off again before bed.
- I'd also like to just kind of talk to strangers
in a confident and assuming way.
- By the time it's six o'clock,
I'm looking at my penis again,
trying to figure out what to do with it.
And then I'd probably go to sleep.
- (laughing) I think it would be a really good day.
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy")