Imagine this, during the night you’ve been having this epic dream where you’re in a
totally new world.
You are the master of this new place, both creator and destroyer, artist and mad villain.
You start to get the feeling though, that this dream might be a nightmare, because all
the time you have the feeling that an insidious being is lurking right behind you.
Then the alarm clock goes off, except something weird is afoot.
The sound is not your usual chorus of birds chirping but a soundtrack you’ve heard before
in a video game.
You open your eyes and you are inside a room made entirely of blocks, everything hard angles
with no curves to be found.
You hold up your arm and scream out loud.
You don’t have any fingers!
You are in a world of crude graphics, and that alarm clock music you realize is the
Minecraft soundtrack.
Now you realize what that ominous entity was.
It was Minecraft Steve, he’s turned your world into his, and now he wants to kill you.
So there you are, in this new 3-D world which is just like Minecraft except it represents
the normal world you’re used to living in.
You just sit there on your bed looking around, staring down at your hand-less arms, kind
of trying to rub your eyes and hoping you’ll wake up.
But that doesn’t happen.
This is real.
You are stuck in Minecraft.
Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad if you had ever actually played the game.
Of course you’d seen it and know a bit about it, but you were just one of those kids that
never really got into it.
You kind of wish you had now.
What you do know is that this dream was trying to tell you something.
Which is that this Steve character doesn’t want you in this world.
You are pretty sure that this guy is going to come and get you, and he will pulverize
you when he sees you.
Ok, so you’re at one with this now.
It’s survival mode.
It’s you versus Steve, and there can be only one who reigns supreme in this new world.
Just what kind of powers are you up against, and just as importantly, what kind of powers
do you now have.
First things first, you get off that bed of yours and walk over to the side of the bedroom.
It’s feels very weird at first, kind of gliding over the floor without anything that
looks much like your old feet, but it actually feels quite smooth when you think about it.
You can handle this.
You step outside, and there in the garden you see that little wooden shack your dad
built.
On it the word ‘Inventory’ is written, and now you remember that in the game Minecraft
you collect materials by digging and mining which you can use to craft stuff.
Someone has already filled that shack for you and you grab a stone axe from inside.
You swing the axe at the fence to practice and it explodes into pieces!
You don’t want to make your dad mad so you pull the fence block out of your inventory
and set it back where it was, there, no more broken fence.
You realize that this actually might be fun, better than a school day at least.
You can destroy stuff and build stuff and you are really strong.
But how strong are you?
Are you strong enough to take on Steve?
Well, lucky for you in that inventory there is something that resembles a bible.
You turn the first page, and it’s called the Book of Minecraft genesis 1.
You start reading.
“In the beginning Notch created a world.
It was formless and empty, and Notch said let there be light.”
You start skimming and it seems it explains how this guy, called Notch wanted to create
a new world.
It took a bit of time, and then say, on the sixth day, Notch created man who he called
Steve.
You continue reading, the next chapter being called “The Book of Steve” and learn that
this Steve guy, the kind of first iteration of the man, is 1.8 blocks high and 0.6 blocks
wide but he changes form a bit when doing certain moves.
You don’t exactly know what he looks like, but the book explains that he’s got dark
brown hair, darkish skin, a crude looking nose and mouth much like your own.
He’s also got blue eyes and he likes to wear a light blue shirt, some blue jeans,
and a gray pair of shoes.
It’s also written that Steve is really curious.
He likes adventure, he likes to try new things.
If he saw an apple on a tree he’d probably pick it off and eat it.
Steve can be tempted, and you make a mental note of that.
Right, so you know what to look for and how he goes about things.
But how strong is this Steve dude?
You try and figure that out.
He is rather large in size when you measure him against the blocks the world is made of.
If each block is a meter high then Steve would be 1.8 meters high and 1 meter wide, that’s
pretty broad!
His cubic volume is 322,273 cubic centimeters, far bigger than the average adult human male,
who might be about 62,000 cubic centimeters.
That means Steve would likely weigh something like 754 pounds or 342 kilos.
Our man Steve is a heavyweight, but the good news is, so are you.
Some people have called him morbidly obese, but we think he is just really dense, in a
good way.
After all, he builds and breaks stuff all day, every day.
This guy must be super fit.
He is a doer, not someone who sits about all day on the sofa watching home improvement
shows on TV.
He is already the quintessential home improver, a DIY master of masters.
Reading the book of Steve you learn that he is incredibly strong.
He can carry something like 12 million tons of gold, which you can hardly believe!
He can punch through a cubic meter of solid diamond and turn it into dust.
Think about this - if you remember Rocky IV, the Russian boxer Ivan Drago could register
a 2,150 pounds per square inch punch.
That was enough to almost knock Rocky’s head right off.
The non-fictional boxer and recently retired former heavyweight champ Wladimir Klitschko,
had a punch measured at 1,100 PSI.
That’s a far cry from Ivan Drago, but let’s still say that anything over 1000 PSI is a
huge punch.
Now if we try to calculate how hard Steve would need to punch to turn a block of diamond
into dust you get a figure around 32.6 million PSI!
A truly superhuman number!
He also walks extremely fast at 9.6 mph (15.5kph).
That’s much faster than a human power walker.
Less impressive is his run speed of 12.5 mph (20.2 kph), so he’s no Usain Bolt whose
top speed is 27.8 mph.
Maybe that’s due to all the weight he’s carrying around.
You are feeling tired and hungry just reading this, but you read on.
You guess you have the same strength, but do you have the same weakness?
As it’s just you and Steve in a fight to the death, you know that you are in some kind
of survival mode and that one of you can die.
You have health, but it is limited just like in the normal world.
You learn that you and Steve can both die, and you also learn a few of the ways that
might happen.
You both could kick the bucket after falling, or being burned, or drowning, or suffocating,
or being blown-up, or being murdered - a lot of the same ways a normal human could be killed.
It also seems like you can’t just go hoping that Steve has an accident without you setting
it up.
If you’re going to beat Steve then you know you’ve got to commit the ultimate sin - murder.
You get the feeling Steve is still pretty far away so you go into your inventory and
start getting tools.
You see what you are capable of, and speaking of Rocky, it’s a bit like one of those training
montages in the movies before the big fight.
Unfortunately, there are no chickens to catch or cow carcasses to punch, but there are plenty
of steps to run up.
Now you are fully fit and fight-ready you decide that you are going to build some traps.
You go into your house where you know Steve will come to find you, and you turn it into
a house of horror, full of traps and places where Steve can get hurt.
If he walks through your front door, he will get a nasty hit on the head because you’ve
planted an iron weight on top of that door with a switch on the floor so that when someone
walks through it will be triggered and the weight will fall on them.
If he survives that, he will no doubt continue to walk forward, and you have constructed
another trap for him in where when he walks on a certain block arrows fire at him.
He might manage to jump out of the way, but it’s worth a shot.
Steve of course is going to be very angry at this point, but you are watching from far
away and are quite safe.
But what if Steve is too smart to fall for this and he knows you have likely booby trapped
the house because he would have done the exact same thing?
Still, he needs to find you.
He’s also hungry, and he sees a large box with a sign next to it reading “delicious
food” which is of course not filled with food, but is instead an explosive box trap
you have made.
Remember, above all, Steve is curious about trying things and so he can be tempted.
Hmm, will Steve be so hungry he can’t help himself from going inside to see if there
is food.
If he does the box will close around him and it will blow up.
That’s Steve blown to pieces.
But what if Steve, while curious, is not quite so dumb that he would fall for this.
Maybe Steve is actually quite creative and intelligent, and like you, enjoys reading.
How do we take advantage of that?
In one of your new houses you’ve built while waiting for him, you have also created a bookshelf,
and there you have left some books that will tell Steve how to kill his world’s new imposter.
Next to the bookshelf is a pool of delicious clear blue water continually refilled by a
stream that runs under the home.
As Steve reads “the book of YOU” he can’t help but drink the icy cold refreshing water.
Soon enough, nature will take its course and he’ll have to make his way to the restroom.
After finishing his business he sees a sign that reads “push to flush” next to a button
on the floor.
Steve may be a murderer but he’s still a polite guest, and he presses the button, releasing
a trap door that drops him down, down, down into the darkness below.
Unfortunately your trap worked, but not perfectly.
He doesn’t land in the lava pit like you planned but instead falls into a dark cavern
below the house.
Thankfully for him, he thinks, there are tracks with a cart and he senses you are somewhere
at the end of it.
Steve, being unable to resist a well built cart track, gets in and the carts sets off,
winding through the caves.
He crests a hill and sees you at the end of the track, a murderous look on his pixelated
face as he gets nearer and nearer, when suddenly a CLICK sound.
You’ve pressed the switch which changes the track.
He veers off away from you down a path where the track ends and falls into a dark hole
filled with TNT.
BANG.
The TNT goes off, it doesn’t take Steve out instantly but the hole left from the mass
of explosives goes deep down into the earth, with only a pool of lava at the bottom.
Steve falls down into the hot magma and there’s nowhere for him to go, he hops and runs but
the sheer walls don’t give him anywhere to go and his last heart ticks away from the
fire damage.
You’ve done it.
You’ve stopped Steve.
Of course this is far from the only way to stop him, but the general theory on how to
take him out remains the same, use his own inability to resist exploration and trying
new things against him, trick him into locking himself into a room filled with water, or
pressing a button that drops tons of blocks on him, or lead him into a room filled with
creepers.
With a little creativity, you’ll have no trouble taking Steve out and you might even
have some fun doing it, and after all, isn’t that what Minecraft is really all about?
Do you play Minecraft?
Tell us what crazy methods you have to get rid of Steve in the comments.
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