During one breezy Italian summer, we follow Elio and Oliver.
In a hypnotic and gentle spell, they draw us in to effortlessly drift along with them.
As they navigate their feelings for one another, they give us much to relate to our own lives.
Here, I explore the lessons of life and love, from Call Me By Your Name.
Let's start from the beginning.
Elio, Oliver.
Oliver, Elio.
How you doing?
One of the first key themes, and what the film manages to achieve so beautifully, is
the subtlety of attraction.
All too often, it can be frustrating to see only extravagant, unnatural or downright daft
displays of desire in cinema.
Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.
What this film gets right is the nuance of developing desire, and the uncertainty
that comes along with it.
We can clearly see how Elio's attraction toys with him, as Oliver continues to surprise
him and behave in ways he's unable pinpoint.
I know myself too well. If I have a second, I'm just gonna have a third and then a fourth,
and then you're just going to have to roll me out here.
Understanding the character of another, and their behaviour in relation to us, requires
more thought. Particularly given how indirect people can be.
How can we read them?
As you can see with Elio, it's in the sequence of signs.
He repeatedly seeks Oliver out, expresses relentless curiosity and longing for him.
The anguish on his face even in one simple night when Oliver is absent for dinner.
He finds himself repeatedly needing to move closer, to observe Oliver.
Repeated, subtle signs are still easy to miss.
You're not going to tell me?
I'm not going to tell you.
He's not going to tell me what he's thinking about.
With depth of feeling, comes the struggle to minimise their expression.
In micro-moments, we see spurts of spontaneity, as they cannot dampen the high of their attraction
any longer.
They test the waters, to see where the other stands.
Elio! Oliver!
And test, they must.
The necessity is clear through the eyes of Marzia, Elio's other love interest.
Her courtship with him juxtaposes what he experiences with Oliver.
It underlines exactly what's at stake – the sting of rejection.
The aftermath of her vulnerability reveals what we all fear: pain, hurt, heartache.
Am I your girl?
Who can blame us for being cautious in love?
Nor aloof in expressing our attraction?
When we truly want something so much, a simple question can seem like an insurmountable mountain
to climb.
He's totally unable to bring up the subject of his love.
Something we see as Elio struggles with in
the throes of desire.
I'll never be able to ask a question like that.
I doubt that.
So does he or doesn't he?
It kills me. I can't stand thinking you hate me. Your silence is killing me. I'd sooner die than know
you hate me. I am such a pussy.
Way over the top.
Dialled down, he does dare.
And shows how immense the rewards can be, when our risks are reciprocated.
Instead of wondering, or tempting regret.
Takes risks, for there will always be uncertainty.
It never ends.
Even after sharing an intimate evening together, they still have questions, they still have
doubts.
No wonder the courage to communicate is crucial.
The merging of two minds brings complex interplays, and different ways of expressing our innermost
thoughts and feelings.
Yet, it's by paying close attention, and actually asking questions in all our relationships
that we can truly understand another.
Why didn't you give me a sign?
I did!
You didn't give me a sign.
I did!
When, when?
With more time shared, it becomes evident that Elio is boisterous, Oliver more reserved:
I like the way you say things, don't know why you're always putting yourself down though.
So you won't, I guess?
Their dynamic shows us what's central in most romantic relationships: the push and pull.
These swings fuel desire, and highlight how important it is to step forward and
see if you'll be met halfway.
Otherwise, most may shy away from the chance to go first.
Elio has the courage to make himself clear.
And that's an important distinction.
He doesn't leave things to pure chance, he seeks clarity.
I just wanted to be with you.
By going after him, and putting his heart on his sleeve, he inspires Oliver to share
how he really feels, too.
Do you know how happy I am that we slept together?
I don't know.
Of course you don't know.
Their eyes summarise so much.
It's the product of all those intensified interactions:
attraction, longing, love.
Finally, they can gather a greater sense of security, as they realise the emotional draw
goes both ways.
Even if they're unsure of what to do next, they cannot stay away.
I would kiss you if I could.
Yet, even when they've gathered some confidence in their bond, there is another factor that
ensures things continue to change: the inevitability of time.
I don't want you to go...
In the state they are, they can look back,
bemoan missed opportunities, and fear the future fact they will soon part ways.
God how we wasted so many days.
They know their time is limited together and this is something true for us all.
Knowing this, and experiencing the reality when heartbreak hits, comes the ultimate truth.
Words need not be said.
Change is certain.
With such affecting experiences, it can be difficult to handle one's emotions, and the
sense of loss.
Absorbing all that pain, it's easy to wish to numb oneself.
Yet, that defeats the purpose of living.
We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster
that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with
someone new.
But to make yourself feel nothing so as to not feel anything, what a waste!
For anyone facing turmoil, questioning themselves, and their lives, these are the words you need
to hear.
Experiences ignite emotional maturity, allow us to learn acceptance and have the capacity
to hold what we feel, all too essential in the unknowingness of life and love.
Of course, we're always presented with an easy way out, to suppress or deny our desire,
bury our emotions, pretend they didn't happen.
Yet, we must remember that, as with every emotion, every experience, it always passes.
Before you know it, your heart's worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a
point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it.
Right now there's sorrow, pain.
Don't kill it and with it the joy you felt.
We're lucky if we feel something so strongly in our lives and that as profoundly and as
deeply as one might feel something.
It's up to us to have the presence, and patience, to cherish what's there, what's now.
What?!
Nothing.
What?!
Nothing.