- Hello and welcome to this month's Maggie moment.
This one's a little bit of those ones
that we get lots of inquiries about
and it makes me sad because it triggers
some stuff for me as well.
That's how do I prepare my children
for an impending separation and possible divorce?
Because it is that, we have to be realistic
around 50,000 families a year experience this,
and around 50% of first marriages
end up in divorce.
It is a reality, and I think sometimes
if we are able to prepare our children
in a way that means that they don't get
quite so frightened and quite so scared,
because it's like a death without bodies.
I know that doesn't sound very good,
but it is, it's a major loss.
For mums and dads we all have a dream when we get married,
that it's going to end, it's going to go fabulously,
we're going to be there for our children,
all those things together.
Broken dreams and disappointment
and questioning and seeking,
all the family is going to be having
all sorts of mixed what I call ugly feelings.
If we're going to have the conversation with children,
when do we have it?
I do suggest you have it well before
they get up one day and dad's not there.
That's actually not okay, because they need to have
some sort of opportunity to ask questions in that journey.
As a family regardless of age we need to give them
just enough information and sometimes,
I think it's helpful if you say
when mum and dad married we were really madly in love,
and deeply in love, however, as time's got on we seem
to have so many differences causing so many arguments
that's making so much conflict in the home,
that we actually feel we'd be better
if we were in two homes but still your parents.
It's more about that relationships can do that
you've all had fights with friends.
It's a bit like that but we've tried,
and I do think you need to have made sure you've tried,
then we have the conversation that you may know someone
who's also got mum and dad in different houses.
Be prepared for some painful outbursts at that moment,
because that reality is incredibly terrifying for children.
The young children in my years I've found
that a lot of them often think
it's because of something I've done that made that fight
therefore if I hadn't done that this wouldn't be happening.
I need you to reassure them it's not about them,
that nothing they have done has caused this.
If there is anyone else involved,
at that point in time I would not mention that.
However down the track once again,
if they get to hear from someone else or to hear,
you need to come clean with it.
Yeah, something else is going on
and I may have found some else later on
who I'd like to be with, but not right now.
Because they're the sorts of things that children
get really confused about.
How can you do that, and why are you doing that.
They don't understand the big person's world.
I would not overshare, and I would definitely no blame.
It's that collective no blame that's
a really big thing with children.
That we don't blame each other,
we can actually let it be that we are now your co-parents,
not living in the same house.
The number one thing for children of any age
is will you keep loving me, will you keep valuing me,
and will you keep caring for me.
They're the three things that children need to have
affirmed a lot, and if we can keep on the same page,
and make that agreement, make a family pact,
that we will be the best parents we can be.
We're just going to be doing it
in two different houses.
Answer those little questions, let them cry,
let them grieve, and let them see you sometimes grieving.
Allow the rest of the family to come in and support you,
being the co-parents in two homes.
I'm going to say the more that you put into that,
in terms of putting your children first
not yourselves first,
the transition is less painful than the other way.
I hope that's given you some suggestions
that might be helpful.
It still pushes buttons for me,
it's a journey I went on, and I have enormous
love and respect for the father of my sons.
I do and we co-parent beautifully,
so I know you can do it.
If you think this has been helpful,
you've got a friend going through something similar,
feel free to share.
That's all from me today.