[APPLAUSE]
SAMANTHA BEE: Oh, wow, wow!
I am Samantha Bee.
Welcome to Full Frontal.
Happy Donald Trump's birthday, everyone.
Oh, I'm almost done with my poem of fulsome praise
and adulation, which I think is required now.
What rhymes with blessed?
Oh, right!
I couldn't make it to the party, but Rebekah Mercer texted
me video and it looked awesome.
Hooray!
[LAUGHING] Am I loyal enough?
I think my stage manager is an eye.
Now, America took up a collection
and got POTUS something that we know he likes, a Gallup poll.
NEWSCASTER: New job approval numbers put the president's
disapproval at 6-0, 60%
SAMANTHA BEE: 60!
[CHEERING]
Happy 71st, 45.
Let us know when you get tired of winning.
We'll be over here watching America's Hottest
Summer Replacement Series.
My staff haven't been outdoors in two weeks.
Their only clue that summer had arrived
was the flock of butterflies that committed
mass suicide on Chris Jansing.
And I don't know what's going on with Nicole's heat map there.
But if this is the direction the network is going,
I can't wait to see what Chris Matthews is rocking tonight.
Oh, where was I?
Right, witnessing history unfold.
Compared to Comey Day, Sessions-palooza was
a Southern fried snooze fest.
After nervously reading the class's essay
on what I didn't do last summer, Sessions
got busy shuffling papers and catching up
with his old Senate colleagues.
RICHARD BURR: Not sure that you knew it,
but your replacement sat through most of this hearing, Luther
Strange.
JEFF SESSIONS: Big Luther is a good roundball player, Tulane.
SAMANTHA BEE: Aw, shucks.
Look at me.
I'm too cute to be a dad-blang perjurer.
After an hour of J-Bo's folksy bullshit and selective amnesia,
Senator Wyden got a little testy.
RON WYDEN: I believe the American people
have had it with stonewalling.
JEFF SESSIONS: Senator Wyden, I am not Stonewall.
SAMANTHA BEE: That is actually true.
He is not Stonewall.
Stonewall Jackson happens to be the one
Confederate icon Jefferson Beauregard isn't named after.
I guess his parents just ran out of space
on the birth certificate.
In his quest to run out the clock,
the DOJ's garden gnome got an assist from Arkansas
Republican and Senate high school
yearbook editor, Tom Cotton.
TOM COTTON: Mr. Sessions, are you familiar with what
spies called, "tradecraft?"
That involves things like covert communications and dead drops
and brush passes, right?
Do you like spy fiction, John Le Carre,
Daniel Silva, Jason Matthews?
Do you like Jason Bourne or James Bond movies?
JEFF SESSIONS: No.
Yes, I do.
SAMANTHA BEE: Oh, come on, Beauregard.
The "do you like movies" question tripped you up?
No wonder the collusion kids didn't tell you they
were dealing with Russia.
You're too slow to keep up.
[LAUGHTER]
The folksy prevarication elf had just drawled us all into a coma
when we were suddenly jolted awake
by a fast-talking lady lawyer.
KAMALA HARRIS: Are you aware of any communications--
JEFF SESSIONS: A lot of people were at that convention.
It's conceivable that somebody came up to me.
KAMALA HARRIS: Sir, I have just a few--
JEFF SESSIONS: Well, you let me qualify it.
If I don't qualify it, you'll accuse me of lying.
So I need to be correct as best I can.
KAMALA HARRIS: I do want you to be honest.
JEFF SESSIONS: And I'm not able to be rushed this fast.
It makes me nervous.
SAMANTHA BEE: Aw, Senator Harris.
Look what you did.
You have to understand that about a third of Jeff's RAM
is dedicated to not saying the N word,
which just slows the whole system down.
And that goes up to 2/3 when a smart woman of color
is lobbing questions at him like a tennis ball launcher.
KAMALA HARRIS: Is that policy in writing somewhere?
JEFF SESSIONS: I think so.
The policy is based on the principle that the president--
KAMALA HARRIS: Sir, I'm not asking about the principle.
I'm asking when--
JEFF SESSIONS: Well, I'm unable to answer the question.
SAMANTHA BEE: Oh, really?
Just curious, would you be able to answer that exact question
if it came out of an old white Democrat's mouth five minutes
from now?
JACK REED: Senator Heinrich and others raised the issue
of longstanding rules.
If there are written rules to this effect,
would you provide them to the committee, please?
JEFF SESSIONS: I will.
JACK REED: Thank you very much.
SAMANTHA BEE: I guess that's a yes.
Look, it's hard enough pinning down
an evasive, temporizing witness without some crotchety neighbor
wandering into scold you.
KAMALA HARRIS: You would rely on that policy.
Did you not ask your staff to show you the policy that would
be the basis for you refusing to answer
the majority of questions that have been asked of you?
JOHN MCCAIN: Senator, the witness should be
allowed to answer the question.
RICHARD BURR: Senators--
SAMANTHA BEE: What the fuck, Senator McCain?
It's not your turn.
And your ex officio, which is Latin for "not supposed
to be here."
With all due respect, quit wiggling
your disapproving Gandalf eyebrows at a woman of color
doing her damn job.
Didn't this just happen to her last week?
KAMALA HARRIS: Can you give me a yes or no answer, please?
ROD ROSENSTEIN: In the closed briefing-- well,
it's not a short answer, Senator.
The answer is-- KAMALA HARRIS: It is.
Either you are willing to do that or not, as we
have precedent in that regard.
ROD ROSENSTEIN: But the--
JOHN MCCAIN: Chairman, they should be
allowed to answer the question.
SAMANTHA BEE: Son of a bitch, it's you again.
Get out of her yard.
It's almost like McCain went to Chairman Burr and was like,
hey, do you want me to sit in so I keep Kamala under control?
Also, I'm going to be tripping balls on something.
Hope that's cool.
Of course, deplorable Twitter and CNN's
paid Trump-bots have a word for "precise,
methodical questioning."
MAN: I think she was hysterical.
SAMANTHA BEE: Oh, fuck off, you goateed tomato emoji.
[LAUGHTER]
The guy whose master starts every morning rage tweeting
conspiracy slander while working a well
done steak out of his colon does not
get to call anyone hysterical.
OK, you know what?
I better pace myself because these hearings are going
to outlast my will to live.
Think of it like the OJ trial.
The same amount of backstabbing, only with fewer celebrities,
but still illustrating an epic divide in the nation.
And of course, everyone will unfairly
shit on the female prosecutor.
We'll be right back.
[ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF]