(thunder claps)
- Hello my precious little ravioli.
- Ah!
- Shh, shh, quiet baby.
- Who, what are you?
- I am the Hormone Monstress (chuckling).
- If you're here to tell me how terrible being a woman is,
the Statue of Liberty and my mom already covered that.
- The French are full of shit
and your mother's a woman in decline.
You're on the rise, girl. - I am?
- But you'll have to make some changes, dumplin'.
For instance, what the fuck is this?
- It's my baseball mitt.
- Get rid! - Hey!
- Listen to me, you wanna shoplift lipstick.
You wanna listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat
while you cut up all your t-shirts.
You wanna scream at your mother and then laugh at her tears!
- But I don't wanna scream at my mom.
- She's not your mom anymore.
From now on, you call her Shannon.
(thunder claps)
- Fuck all these fuckin' fucks!
- What if I get caught?
- That's what makes it so exciting,
like screwing a stranger at a minor league baseball game!
- What, ew. - Baby steps.
First, steal that lip gloss!
- You're very beautiful. - I know.
- (sniffing) Why do you smell so good?
- Because I don't use deodorant
and I only take bubble baths.
- You are a woman now, and this is what women do.
We suck up all the bullshit that the world dumps up on us
and keep smiling through it all in our boxy-ass dresses.
Alright you motherfuckers,
my girl's parents are going through a divorce
and she needs to act up,
so she's gonna walk around this local-ass pharmacy,
take shit she never gonna use
and if any of you prescription-filling,
carpal tunnel brace bitches even looks at her,
I swear to god I will paint the greeting card aisle
wit your guts!
(gun clicks)
Let's go, sugar.
(gun fires)
- You are such a bitch! - What?
(horn honking)
- C'mon baby, let's get the hell out of here.
I do not like that woman.
- I bet it's been a real simcha, right Jess?
- She's the worst.
I hate how she hocks her words.
- She should shut the fuch up.
- These are going to be the greatest years of your life.
Now let's fling ourselves onto the bed
and cry so hard no sound comes out.
- Shut up and kiss me.
♪ Now stick your pancake in his little toffee colored tushy ♪
Okay, I learned my lesson,
you just go at your own pace bubble.
♪ Sexy red bra ♪
- Hi Jessi.
♪ Sexy red bra ♪
Hi, red bra. - Jesus Andrew.
♪ It'll transform you into an object of envy and awe ♪
- So trashy.
- Please, Jessi, I have 28 dollars.
I wanna give it to you.
- Well, bonjour to the lovely Miss Glaser.
- Who do you think you are?
One of the Kardashians?
♪ It will lift up your life my dear ♪
♪ But beware of the fall ♪
- Ow!
- Everybody wants to be friends with Devin.
She's the queen bee and you want that honey, buzz.
- Friends?
I'd rather take a two week cruise
on a diaper barge than be friends with this guy.
♪ Every tushy is a snowflake ♪
♪ Every nipple is a star ♪
♪ Every curve and swerve is beautiful ♪
♪ Every stretch mark, every scar ♪
♪ We're a smorgasbord of gorgeousness ♪
♪ No two of us the same ♪
♪ God made us in her image ♪
♪ And that girl ain't got no shame ♪
♪ I love my body, I love it all ♪
♪ Every wrinkle, pimple, dimple, big or small ♪
♪ My booty is a beauty ♪
♪ My boobs are worth good luck ♪
♪ My love handles, my bat wings ♪
♪ I love every single part ♪
(glasses clinking)
- Well done, another first kiss in the books.
- Mm, nothing like a fist kiss.
- Do you remember ours?
- Oh, don't Maury.
- It was Pangea.
The dinosaurs had just flown away in their spaceship.
- We had the whole planet to ourselves, didn't we?
- Although if memory serves,
we did make a few wooly mammoths blush.
(chuckling)
It's good to see you, Connie.
- It's good to smell you.
(growling)
We shall reach up that little pygmy's ass
and pull out his heart!
His ass heart!
- With all due respect, Connie,
this girl's a little fucking cunt
and me and the boy are gonna kill ourselves tonight.
- Yeah I get it, you do you Maury.
You gotta do you.
- This boy's a tall lumpy dumpy drink of water
and we are thirsty.
- Well my mouth is dry.
It's probably from the nerves.
Ugh! - Hush puppy.
Less talk, more closet.