- Like at least three times a week, I will microwave food,
grab it with my hands, think,
"Ow, this is burning my flesh!"
And then immediately think,
"Well then quick, put it in your mouth!"
(audience laughs)
That's not a blueprint for survival.
That's not how you stick around.
(upbeat music)
- Now, I'm Indian. I'm just Indian now.
And that's like, not as fun.
It's not as unique to just be a (beep) Indian dude
'cause there's a legit billion Indian people in the world.
That's not special, you know?
But we don't give them enough credit.
You know how hard it is to make a billion people?
You know how hard it is to have sex
after eating Indian food?
(audience laughs)
All right, you don't know risk
until you try (beep) two plates of curry
and try (beep) tonight, I dare you!
Get those heartburn pumps in. You know what I mean?
You won't trust any of your holes.
- There was one time when I was eating fried chicken
in public, though,
and this Black guy came up to me and he was like, "Really?
Are you really gonna eat fried chicken right now?"
And I was so embarrassed
because white people were sitting right next to me,
and I was like, "Are you really gonna chicken shame me
in front of these white people?"
Like white people would never do that to each other.
They'd never be like, "Really?
Are you really gonna eat hummus right now
(audience laughs)
in front of these Black people?"
- I was getting ice cream.
Nine year old kid in front of me orders pistachio ice cream.
I'm like, that's an adult flavored ice cream.
(audience laughs)
What else do you want? Espresso?
You're nine.
You get chocolate ice cream with rainbow sprinks
or vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinks.
You gotta have sprinks. You're a kid.
Put some sprinks on it.
If I was the cashier, I wouldn't even give it to him.
I would've said, "Pistachio?
Let me see your divorce papers.
(audience applauds)
Recent colonoscopy?
What have you been through kid?
That's a fun flavor to you?
It's green, it has nuts in it, you little fricking psycho.
It's not fun."
- Everything ain't racism.
About 2%, it's about 2% (audience laughs)
that ain't racism.
You gotta recognize that 2% when you see it.
I was at McDonald's.
This dude was cussing everybody out.
Swore it was racism.
I walked in this fast food spot.
This dude cussing everybody out.
This is the thing,
fast food spots already do shady stuff.
So I'm not saying they don't deserve to be cussed out.
They do, they deserve a good cussing every now and then.
'Cause the thing they do now, some of these fast food spots,
they love to charge you for sauce when you get nuggets.
You know, you want an extra sauce with your nuggets,
it's gonna be, "Oh, you want another sauce, brother?
It's gonna be 25 cents."
How you charging for sauce, bro?
I want two sauces.
"Well, I need a quarter." (audience laughs)
You ever meet the guardian of the sauce?
This dude is serious.
He got a different color shirt from everybody else at work.
So now he arrogant.
"You know, brother, I'm a supervisor now, as you know.
If it was up to me, I would give you another sauce."
It is up to you! (audience laughs)
It's on your side of the counter!
I just want two sauces without paying for 'em.
That's all I want.
But I walked in this spot, man,
this dude was cussing out the whole store.
Swore it was racism.
And I'm not saying that racism wasn't one of the causes
for him getting bad service,
I'm just saying he jumped to that conclusion a little fast.
He didn't go through the progressions.
He ordered a six piece nugget.
It was five nuggets in the box.
(audience laughs)
And I didn't even know what was going on.
I'm texting, as soon as I walk in the door, I'm texting.
I hear this dude.
I hear this dude over in the cut.
I hear this dude go,
"I'll kill everybody in this bitch."
(audience laughs)
You know, that gave me pause.
'Cause he said he'll kill everybody in this bitch
and I already had a foot in the door.
Am I technically in this bitch, sir?
'Cause I can pull this foot out and go to Arby's.
It ain't that deep.
Swore it was racism, man.
"Y'all stole my nugget.
I'm tired of white folks.
White folks don't want us to have shit!
Stole my nugget!"
Then he gonna turn to me.
"You see this shit, brother?
You see this?
It's our nuggets today,
it's our children's nuggets tomorrow.
If I was white, I'd have got seven nuggets."
(audience laughs and applauds)
That's when I backed off, I'm like,
"I can't help this dude."
I'm like, "Look, bro, I know you mad
and there's a lot of racial tension in the world,
but this ain't racism.
This is a fast food spot at two o'clock in the morning.
Some of them folks back there can't count to six.
You want six nuggets,
you need to order a four piece and a two piece.
That's how you trick they ass and get two sauces for free."
(audience cheers)
- All right, let's let's get to the pressing issues
of the day, okay?
The more important issues of the day,
vegan soul food, what the?
Really? Really, vegans?
You dare bring that into the earth?
Really? Vegan, that doesn't even make any sense.
Let's think about this for a moment, okay?
Now what's the history of soul food?
Slaves were given the worst parts of the animals,
pigs feet, things like that.
They had to cover it in lard and spices,
whatever they could to make that taste delicious.
Soul food is steeped in African American history
and tradition.
Then you have vegan food.
Now vegans also start with a limited number of ingredients
but arguably what they end up with tastes worse
than what they started with.
(audience laughs)
That's arguable. That's arguable.
I argue it because it's true.
Some would argue otherwise, and they're wrong,
because I have had vegan Thanksgiving
of tofurky and soy gravy.
And it's not to say
that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide
of the Native Americans, but vegan Thanksgiving,
that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?
(audience laughs and applauds)
Thank you. (audience applauds)
Now again, the bigger point here
is vegans don't use animal products in their food
and that's a key part of soul food.
That is an essential part of soul food, animal products.
Therefore, vegan soul food is essentially
a heavy metal cover album of Motown classics.
Heavy metal is rock music stripped
of its historic Black elements.
It can't properly cover Motown.
If I saw a heavy metal cover album of Motown classics,
I would not buy it.
Unless of course the record was called "Vegan Soul Food."
At which point it is high concept
and daddy must have it.
Daddy must have it. (audience applauds)
- But I do find that hunger attractive in a man.
That's why I like to see how he treats his Buffalo wings.
I think it's very telling.
I think it's a great way to feel someone out.
'Cause I gotta say,
if a man's throwing bones into that bones pile
and they still have flesh on them, I'm not impressed.
No, I'm throwing real bones in there.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm throwing true bones in there.
They are clean and dry
and ready to be a pirate wenches earring.
They're ready for the bones pile, okay?
He's throwing flesh lollipops in there.
It kind of makes me wonder, you know,
are you gonna leave the meat on me too, later?
Are you someone who's afraid
to get into the corners where the flavor's at?
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Whenever I go out to dinner,
I always get a steak 'cause I'm a man.
No, I just always have to get the steak.
You know, my wife always makes fun of me.
She's like, "Why do you even get a menu?"
I wish I wasn't like that.
I wish I liked fish.
I'm sure most of you like fish.
I wish I was the guy in the restaurant
that was like, "You know what?
I'll get the fish 'cause I enjoy disgusting food."
(audience laughs)
It's disgusting. Fish don't even like fish.
That's why they're always frowning.
They're always like. (audience laughs)
"What smells?
Oh, it's me."
- I don't like frozen drinks.
Lot of chick friends are like, "Daiquiris, you guys?
Daiquiris?
Oh my God.
What if we got daiquiris?
So crazy!
A daiquiri!"
Yeah, those drinks taste good. Right?
Frozen drinks, they taste good, but you know, guys,
we don't look that cool drinking them
because they always come in festive glasses.
You know what I mean?
Like Fat Tuesday, like tubes,
and then you're sitting there, like a guy at a bar, like.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, it's a real good look.
God forbid you get into a fight or something, like.
(audience laughs)
"What'd you say?"
That's not a good look.
'Cause I don't want a brain freeze.
Right? 'Cause those drinks, you drink it really fast.
It tastes good, so you're just like, "Ah!"
No, I don't want a brain freeze.
It's the most painful thing on the face of the earth.
And I always think like, who was the first guy
to experience that?
A brain freeze?
Imagine how horrible that would be
if that happened to you
and you didn't know what was happening and that happened?
That would be awful.
So here's my impression of the first guy to experience that.
Okay, first guy to experience a brain freeze.
I'm gonna say it's the guy who invented ice cream.
Why not?
And I'm gonna make him British
'cause that's fun for me to do in my sketch.
So it's my impression of the first guy, okay,
trying ice cream for the first time,
experience a brain freeze.
He's like, "All right to everyone.
I just created this delicious treat.
It's frozen. It's called ice cream.
I'm trying it for the first time right now.
Here we go.
It's amazing!
Oh my God!
It's the best thing I've ever had!
I'm gonna eat it as fast as I can.
I'm gonna eat it fast. I'm just gonna eat it.
Ah, ah, so good.
Ah, oh my gosh. It's delicious, ah!
Oh my (beep) God!
Oh my God! Somebody me kill me!
Kill me! Hit me with a brick!
Oh my God!
Tell my family I love them!
What have I done?
Ah!
I'm okay."
(audience cheers)
(upbeat music)