Hira had a question. She said, "hey Angie, how do we practice setting boundaries?"
Now this is a fun one.
If you ask me one of the hardest things about going through narcissistic abuse and getting through the other side is
boundaries. Setting boundaries and making them work. See narcissists usually don't have very good boundaries of their own and they have this way
of always stepping over your boundaries and crossing them repeatedly over and over again.
That's because they really like to win power and hold on to that power and they certainly do not like anyone setting boundaries on them.
They even think they're above the law in so many cases,
they never follow court orders or rarely do they. And as we all know, they find personal boundaries very easy to step over.
So that's what we're talking about today on QueenBeeing.com; How to Set Boundaries With Narcissists and
How to Set Boundaries During and After a Narcissistic Abuse.
So let's get started. Closed captioning provided by Athena Moberg and
CPTSDfoundation.org. My name is Angie Atkinson and on this channel,
I offer free daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. I like to call it toxic relationship rehab.
So if that sounds good to you, hit that subscribe button and we'll get going.
As empaths and people who may or may not have been codependent at some point in our lives,
we'll just leave it that. I don't want to label anyone a codependent, I don't like that label
but I would say this, first of all
we have to recognize that these things are going to be a little bit uncomfortable.
Setting boundaries is going to be uncomfortable for us because we started off not doing that.
A lot of us have been people pleasers, a lot of us have spent our whole lives feeling like
what if somebody doesn't like the choice I make and this is what it all comes down to. I first wrote about this
13 years ago, I wrote a post on my blog back
then, that was called, How to Stop Caring What Other People Think Without Looking Like a Huge Jerk.
And I think this is what it comes down to, I think when we're setting our boundaries,
we have to stop caring what other people think.
We don't have to be a huge jerk about it, though.
What we have to do is, we have to decide within ourselves
separately and independently of other people, these are the things that I will tolerate and these are the things that I will not tolerate.
For example, in a relationship, in my relationship the deal is you don't hit me or abuse me in any way,
mentally, physically or otherwise. You don't hurt my children in any way and you you don't cheat on me.
Those three things, I walk away — no discussion. You know what you did, anything else we can talk about and try to get through.
I'm not saying that I will tolerate anything else. I'm just saying those three things are definitely deal-breakers for me.
How did I set those boundaries?
I made it very clear to my husband when I first met him,
many years ago that this is how what the deal was and these were my deal-breakers.
He also made clear his deal-breakers which conveniently enough, were the same as mine. So that worked out really well for both of us.
How do you practice setting boundaries? Start small, start with someone in your life who is maybe a little
kinder to you or a stranger, you know what I mean start with someone who isn't as important or
significant to you. If necessary, for example, if you have a job and your boss says, "hey, can you work on Saturday?"
But you've already made plans to go out of town on Saturday and your boss knew it and you can say well, you know
I'm going out of town tomorrow night, Friday night, whatever and I won't be back until Monday.
So, unfortunately, I can't work on Saturday. Or maybe you could say or I can't work on Saturday in the office,
but I can dial in from wherever I'm gonna be if necessary, you know what I mean? But set your boundaries, whatever
those are, one at a time. And when it comes to relationships, it's about the deal-breaker factor.
So let me ask you a question,
have you ever thought about
the boundaries that you have for yourself
and your life before you met the narcissists versus the ones you have right now or that you had during the relationship?
Wait a minute, before you answer that let me clarify something.
I'm not talking about the fun or silly OMG, I'll never wear a bell bottoms
kind of boundary, because let me tell you something, I have that one, I crossed it, can't wait to do it again you all,
love the love.
Anyway,
I'm talking about the serious, intrinsic, deep down in your gut, got-to-stick-to-it-or-your-tummy's-gonna-hurt kind of boundaries.
So let me ask you, have your personal boundaries, your personal basic standards been changed or altered
as a result of a relationship with a toxic narcissist? While we're asking questions,
if you're unfortunate enough to have had a narcissistic parental figure in your life
or you've been in the relationship
longer than you should, do you really even know what your personal boundaries are or have they been defined for you by someone else?
Narcissists have a way of always
pushing our boundaries,
sometimes even as a way to amuse themselves. Yeah, I'm not kidding and that's not an exaggeration.
I've been told by more than one narcissist that they just liked a mess of people or that they
intentionally start drama just to see what people are gonna do about it.
They think it's funny but sometimes their agenda is so much more
calculated than just to amuse myself and that's when you have to be especially cautious.
That's because when it comes to dealing with a narcissist on the regular,
you've got to recognize that a certain amount of conditioning happens to each and every one of us and
even and maybe especially to those of us who are very intelligent.
You might find yourself in a panic if you have to stand up for yourself or say no to someone and you might even have
physical symptoms that include dry mouth, dissociation,
you know, where you get kind of confused and foggy and you might even feel dizzy, nauseous
or just plain old anxious. And of course
this is exactly what the narcissist wants, right. Because it allows the narcissus to remain in control of the situation and
ultimately in control of you. The narcissist knows that if they nag you,
discredit you and or the boundary that they're crossing is repeatedly crossed.
You will eventually get tired of fighting and you'll just let it go, as in accept it.
Or at least not require the narcissist to continue to justify it or discuss it.
This allows the cycle, the toxic cycle to repeat and continue. What does this cycle look like in real life?
Let's use this fictitious
situation as an example. Let me tell you a story. So we've got a fictitious couple we're gonna call them Ned the narcissist and
Emily the empath. Emily is Ned's
semi-willing victim. They made a deal at the beginning of their relationship,
that neither one of them would have friends of the opposite sex, not close friends anyway.
This deal was made at the request of Ned.
Emily was happy to comply, letting go of several close male friends in order to secure her place in Ned's fickle heart.
Years later when Ned suddenly begins new friendships with ladies at his office and then within
the couple's shared social circles.
It certainly didn't sit well with Emily who has consistently up to this point avoided friendships with the opposite sex,
since the boundary was set by Ned in the beginning. Obviously
Emily raises concerns and Ned tells her she's being paranoid. She's got nothing to worry about but
and maybe he Ned does because clearly Emily doesn't
blindly, trust him and you know a narcissist
needs his victims or her victims to blindly trust them. If the victim doesn't blindly trust the narcissist,
well
the narcissus will do everything they can everything in their power to break you
until you do blindly trust them or at least you pretend to. Instead of attempting to soothe Emily's fears
Ned
plays them up, then makes Emily feel worthless in this relationship and this continued manipulation and gas lighting, makes
Emily afraid of asking questions about any of Ned's choices ever because if she does he might unleash a fury on her that only a
narcissist can.
Narcissistic injury, narcissistic rage or both. Let me break this down for you. Ned the narcissist oversteps
Emily's boundaries, Emily complains, resists or accuses, Ned pushes, pleads, prods,
discredits and pressures until Emily says something like, fine
you can have female friends, but I better never find you hanging out with one alone.
So this causes Emily to redefine her boundary, but hours, weeks, days
whatever later when Emily catches Ned hanging out with some other girl,
she confronts him again reminding him of the previously crossed and defined and redefined
boundary. And of course rinse and repeat, the same cycle starts all over again.
He's like why don't you blindly trust me and she's like, because you said this and now you're doing this.
How do you set boundaries with a narcissist? Well, well everyone's a little bit different,
there are certain basic boundaries that almost everyone could benefit from setting in their lives if they haven't already. When someone
oversteps a boundary in an otherwise healthy
relationship, whether it's spoken or unspoken.
The boundary becomes a serious concern for everyone involved, the person whose boundary has been overstepped is made to feel uncomfortable
or worse and the person who did the stepping probably doesn't feel much better, assuming they're not a narcissist. In most cases,
boundaries can be easily defined and for most people they can be maintained without a whole lot of effort. But some people especially those who
tend to
lean toward people-pleasing, like me tend to have trouble enforcing boundaries with people who fail to recognize them time
and again. Enter the narcissist because you know, they love people pleasers and don't they?
Well, the narc love them. This of course leads to a clouding of our general purpose in life,
which can lead to depression, anxiety and a number of other
emotionally debilitating concerns, all of which can lead to more serious and potentially more harmful physical issues.
So what can you do if you're in a relationship with a boundary bursting narcissist, I suggest you try the Grey Rock rule.
Of course is where you don't give the narcissist any of your energy of the emotional nature and you have to remember that while many
relationships have the capacity to become good for you,
relationships with toxic narcissists are usually ill-fated on some level.
But the fact is that every relationship needs boundaries if you personally want to stay healthy.
So if you want a simple way to define what a healthy boundary looks like, think about it this way,
there are certain things you could discuss with your best friend that you'd never discuss with your child or your mom, right.
See, boundaries help to determine how much you give and how much you receive from a relationship, if any of your relationships are leaving you feeling
irritable and overwhelmed, re-examine your boundaries,
that's a good sign that it's time to redefine them. The boundaries you've set in your relationships are a
reflection of your ego and your self-esteem. If you have a low sense of self-worth, your boundaries are going to be unhealthy.
You're likely gonna be too focused on trying to please others in order to receive their love and approval.
You're gonna be
overextending yourself and demanding too little from the narcissist or the other person you're trying to set boundaries with. If your ego is
overinflated, your boundaries are going to be aggressively set to maximize your own utility, your way or the highway.
That's the role usually the narcissist plays, so for best results
you're gonna want to seek like a middle ground when you're setting your boundaries.
So I've got I'm going to share some strategies with you to help you to be more
empowered in your boundary setting. Start by deciding what your core values are. What is your comfort level?
Are you comfortable discussing your personal finances with other people?
Do you enjoy it when your friends and family just show up or does it annoy the crap out of you? Or you need a little warning?
I like a little warning myself.
Are you willing to let other people borrow your car, borrow money, borrow a cup of sugar?
How much honesty do you want to give and receive in your relationships?
These are all questions that you should ask yourself when you're trying to set boundaries.
Some of these values are going to vary depending on the other
person involved in the situation. Like you might let your best friend borrow your car, but no one else. Maybe
certain people might be able to spend time
you know with you, like spending the night on the couch while other people can't. You have to determine what you need in each relationship,
communicate your needs to the other person as appropriate in a healthy non-aggressive way,
non-blaming and it's gonna require a certain amount of assertiveness.
It's not fair to expect
anyone to read your mind and to predict all your wants and your needs and all that, right. The next thing you want to do
is determine the consequences. How are you going to handle it,
if someone violates your boundaries? Remind other people of what the boundaries are and then take action. If someone shows up unannounced,
for example, don't let them into your home. If they're late,
they could go somewhere else, you know, if that's the boundary that you want to set. You have to be consistent.
It's natural for people to test your boundaries, even when they're not narcissists. This is especially true with children and other people in general.
It's important that you're consistent
otherwise nobody's gonna take you seriously.
So follow through and keep your word.
One slip into your old patterns and you'll probably have a battle on your hands.
You have to be prepared to let go if necessary.
So it's likely that some people are going to keep behaving the same way,
even when you set the boundaries regardless of your efforts to do so.
So if a person is unwilling to accept your boundaries and honor them and respect them,
it might be best to re-examine that relationship, be prepared to let go. So let me ask you a question. My friend are your
relationship boundaries working for you. Are you very good at setting boundaries. That's the question of the day.
The question of the day is do you struggle to set boundaries?
And if you do, what works for you, if you have managed to start doing it? You never know who your comment might help.
That's all I've got for you right now
but as always thank you so much for being a part of my day and a part of my life and hey
thanks for letting me be a part of yours.
It really does mean a lot to me now before I go make sure to take a look at the videos
I'm leaving for you right here and
right here. And while you're here hit that Subscribe button right there so we can stay connected and continue on this healing journey together
I'll see you soon.