Thanks.
Uh, thanks for the sitting ovation, everybody.
Thank you.
Excellent clapping skills, everybody.
You were good, dude.
Not bad at all.
But you were the best.
Let's see it again, just you.
Fucking perfect technique, well done, sir.
Now, what do you got, buddy?
(clapping)
No, too floppy-- kind of weak, dude.
A little off beat?
I think it's the worst clapping technique I've ever seen.
Why don't you get the fuck out of here right now?
Kidnapping children, uh...
Not as easy as it used to be, let's talk about it.
You can't just use candy.
If you're on the Upper West Side,
you better have some organic kale chips and free Wi-Fi.
It's not the '80s.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Protect the kids, it's not the '80s.
I'm a world champion, it's on a windbreaker.
That means it's real.
(audience) Whoo!
Don't look at me that way, I'll fuck you up, dude.
I grew up on a dead-end street
because I killed all my neighbors.
I used to be an insecurity guard, I, uh...
I would guard people with low self-esteem
and make sure they never got a compliment.
Nobody fucks with me, man.
I spell "anarchy" any way I want.
I just shaved 20 minutes ago, I didn't wanna--
I didn't wanna fuck it, man, you know what I mean?
I have a huge dick, I, um...
I was just on the front cover
of "Billionaires With Big Dicks
Who Also Like to Cuddle" magazine, I, uh...
A few months ago, I was swimming naked in the Amazon River.
A piranha bit my dick.
Chipped its tooth.
Toothless fish trying to fit in with all the others.
Have you ever seen a piranha with veneers?
It's just sad, you know?
When I was a little kid, I learned that
after spiders have sex, the female kills and eats the male.
(woman) Whoo!
And that's why I've never fucked a spider, I don't care...
how many hot legs they have, I'm not doing it.
You gentlemen do whatever you want, I'm not doing it.
I'm gonna be the next president of the United States.
Who's voting for me? Anyone voting for me?
(cheers and applause)
Any, uh, any questions about my presidential platform?
(woman) Do you have one?
Do I have one? Yeah.
What about taxes?
What should we do with taxes in this country?
Who wants to lower taxes by round of applause.
Who wants to lower them? Okay.
Who wants to raise them on some people with certain incomes?
(cheers and applause)
You're all wrong, here's my plan.
Canada pays our taxes.
(cheers and applause)
And I'll tell you why.
Celine Dion, Bieber, Nickelback.
Enough is enough.
They've been polluting our airwaves for years.
It's time to pay the price.
Canada's a great country.
Great country, Canada.
But you hate America a little bit.
It's because America shows you no love, you know?
Here's what it is.
America's like the cheerleaders and the quarterbacks,
and Canada is like the nerdy kid who just moved here
even though he's been here the whole fucking time.
This will sum up the entire Canadian/American dynamic.
As an American, you can go to Canada.
You don't even have to switch your American money
over to Canadian money.
They're that friendly.
They'll gladly, at your convenience, save you a trip
to the exchange place and just accept your American money.
If a Canadian comes to America
and tries to put one little shiny Canadian quarter
into some dirty slot in a parking meter, we're like,
"Get that fucking shit out of here!"
That's the relationship between the two countries.
Any other questions about my presidential platform?
Who's my vice president?
I'm actually offended by that question.
Because a hero does not need a sidekick.
Gun control, let's talk about that, huh?
Who wants less guns by round of applause.
(applause)
All right.
Who wants more guns?
(cheers and applause)
You're both wrong.
Karate is the answer to gun control.
Fists don't run out of knuckles.
Feet don't have to reload.
Elbows don't get jammed.
I live in New York.
Guy tried to mug me last year, and he had a gun.
But I had a bucket of diarrhea.
I dumped it over his head.
He shot himself.
That's called karate strategy.
They don't teach that
at your little mall karate schools, okay.
New York City has a program to get illegal guns off the street.
Guns for Cash.
Where, if you have an illegal gun, you can turn it in,
government won't ask you any questions,
and they'll just give you $200.
That gun's off the street.
And when I'm president,
I'm doing the exact same thing nationwide.
Except with Ashton Kutcher movies.
If you own a movie starring Ashton Kutcher,
you can turn it in, no questions asked.
We will give you $500,000...
and a gun.
Just trying to make America better.
Have a sexy night.