WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WANT TO START OUT TONIGHT BY
SAYING OUR THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU, CALIFORNIA.
THE GOLDEN STATE IS BEING RAVAGED BY THREE DEADLY
WILDFIRES IN MALIBU AND NORTHERN CALIFORNIA.
THERE'S BEEN TRAGIC LOSS OF LIFE AND UNPRECEDENTED LOSS OF
PROPERTY.
WE CERTAINLY HOPE EVERYBODY THERE STAYS SAFE, INCLUDING AND
ESPECIALLY THE FIREFIGHTERS FIGHTING THIS ON THE FRONT LINE.
AT A TIME LIKE THIS, IT'S HARD TO KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO SAY.
BUT FOR THE WRONG THING TO SAY, LET'S CHECK THE PRESIDENT'S
TWITTER FEED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN (AS TRUMP): "THERE IS
NO REASON FOR THESE MASSIVE, DEADLY, AND COSTLY FOREST FIRES
IN CALIFORNIA EXCEPT THAT FOREST MANAGEMENT IS SO POOR.
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS ARE GIVEN EACH YEAR, WITH SO MANY LIVES
LOST, ALL BECAUSE OF GROSS MISMANAGEMENT OF THE FORESTS.
REMEDY NOW, OR NO MORE FED PAYMENTS!"
BOO-BOO ( BOOING )
>> Stephen: I THINK THAT'S CALLED BLAMING THE VICTIM.
I'D HATE TO BE CHOKING WITH ONLY TRUMP THERE TO SAVE ME.
(AS TRUMP): "ARE YOU CHOKING?
THERE'S NO REASON FOR THIS MASSIVE LOSS OF OXYGEN, EXCEPT
YOUR CHEWING MANAGEMENT WAS SO POOR.
REMEDY NOW, OR NO HEIMLICH!" ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT TRUMP DID OFFER A SOLUTION
TO CALIFORNIA'S FREQUENT WILDFIRES.
(AS TRUMP): "WITH PROPER FOREST MANAGEMENT, WE CAN STOP THE
DEVASTATION CONSTANTLY GOING ON IN CALIFORNIA!
GET SMART!" "GOT TO BE SMART.
THEIR BIGGEST MISTAKE IS PLANTING TREES MADE OF WOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ROOKIE MISTAKE.
I WILL REPLACE THEM WITH TREES MADE OUT OF BEAUTIFUL AMERICAN
STEEL."
( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH, HE IS A WELL-KNOWN
STICKLER FOR FIRE SAFETY.
WITH ALL THE HAIRSPRAY, HE'S EASILY THE MOST FLAMMABLE
PRESIDENT IN U.S. HISTORY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MAYBE WASHINGTON.
MAYBE NOT.
POSSIBLE IT'S HIM AND WASHINGTON BECAUSE OF THE WOODEN TEETH.
>> OH, I SEE.
>> Stephen: IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE TRUMP GOT
CALLED OUT BY SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.
SUCH AS THE PRESIDENT OF THE PASADENA FIREFIGHTERS
ASSOCIATION, WHO TWEETED, "MR.
PRESIDENT, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, YOU ARE WRONG.
THE FIRES IN SO-CAL ARE URBAN INTERFACE FIRES AND HAVE NOTHING
TO DO WITH FOREST MANAGEMENT.
COME TO SO-CAL AND LEARN THE FACTS AND HELP THE VICTIMS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SURE, IT'S A GOOD IDEA.
TRADITIONAL.
THAT'S TRADITIONAL.
BUT I'M THINKING THE LAST THING FIRST RESPONDERS NEED IS A VISIT
FROM THE PRESIDENT.
"NO, SIR, STOP THROWING PAPER TOWELS!
YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE.
THAT'S KINDLING!" ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, WHEN TRUMP GOES OFF THE DEEP END, AT LEAST WE CAN
COUNT ON A RESPONSE FROM REASONABLE EXPERTS LIKE GUNS N'
ROSES FOUNDER AND MAN GETTING THROWN OUT OF A SIZZLER, AXL
ROSE.
WHO TWEETED, "UM... ACTUALLY...
IT'S A LACK OF FEDERAL FUNDING THAT'S AT THE ROOT OF THE
PURPORTED FOREST MISMANAGEMENT.
ONLY A DEMENTED N' TRULY PATHETIC INDIVIDUAL WOULD TWIST
THAT AROUND N' USE A TRAGEDY TO ONCE AGAIN MISREPRESENT FACTS
FOR ATTEMPTED PUBLIC/POLITICAL GAIN AT OTHERS' EXPENSE."
WOW PRETTY WONKY, BUT I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
AFTER ALL, THE FIRST DRAFT OF PARADISE CITY WAS ACTUALLY:
S TAKE ME DOWN TO PARADISE CITY S WHERE THE MASS TRANSIT SYSTEM
SERVES ALL COMMUNITIES S REGARDLESS OF SOCIOECONOMIC
STATUS...
S AND THE GIRLS ARE PRETTY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ALSO, I APPRECIATE AXL'S CONTINUED DEDICATION TO THE GUNS
'N ROSES MANUAL O' STYLE.
( LAUGHTER ) N'!
OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT AXL'S COMPLAINING ABOUT.
HE COULD FIX THE WHOLE PROBLEM WITH:
S A COLD NOVEMBER RAIN S ( LAUGHTER )
BUT AXL MAKES A GOOD POINT.
BECAUSE TRUMP PROPOSED TO CUT $300 MILLION FROM THE U.S.
FOREST SERVICE'S WILDFIRE FIGHTING INITIATIVES AND $50
MILLION FROM ITS WILDFIRE PREVENTION EFFORTS.
WHICH EXPLAINS THIS NEW P.S.A.:
>> ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES BECAUSE WE'RE BROKE.
YOU THINK POOP IN THE WOODS BECAUSE I WANT TO?
I'LL SELL YOU MY SHOVEL!
>> Stephen: STAY STRONG SMOLDERY.