"Dr. Paul, how do I stop arguing with my spouse about the kids?" I think I've got some
ideas about that. So, interesting how much kids bring out the worst in us. Is that a
sad commentary? But it's kind of true, too. I've joked with you before about this
here on the channel that I used to be this very patient, calm, loving person. And
then I had kids. And discovered that maybe I wasn't so patient as I thought I
was. And I've got a short temper and a short fuse. This is common. And one of the
things that comes up a lot has to do with the interaction between mom and dad.
How those spouses interact and especially when it comes to how they're
going to deal with the kids. Let's take this on in a way that's going to empower you.
First of all, you're not as crazy as you feel. And your relationship is not as
troubled as it seems. This is simply an artifact of some of the challenges that
come up from being a parent. And I see parents all the time who are butting
heads or kids who are able to get their parents fighting about something and
then they slip out the back door without being responsible for their own behavior.
Rather than creating all this conflict, what if we were able to honor and
respect the differences. Now, let's talk about that for just a minute because you
are different. And this is good news. This is where the conflict comes from too
because different people have different ideas. And you've noticed that when you
get into a conflict with your spouse, it's usually because you have a
different idea about what needs to happen or how we're going to handle this or
what's the right thing to do or who's right instead of what's right. And that
gets destructive. But notice that it comes up from the differences. Anytime
you bring two different people together, you're going to have some conflict. But
it's differences that make us relevant and interesting to each other.
It's differences that make us relevant and interesting to each other. It's
differences that give us a reason to have a relationship in the first place.
If you were both exactly the same, one of you would be unnecesarry and we could
just delete one of your kids parents. Now, I talked to people all the time we were
going through a divorce and they wish they could actually do that. It's good
news for your kids that you are different. Because that creates a much
more rich and full experience for them and provides them with resources they
wouldn't have if it were just you. And as brilliant and awesome and wise as you
are, some of the different ideas that your spouse has are really important for
the health and well-being of your kids. So, let's find a way to value the
differences and to honor those differences as something that's good. And
then I'll give you some skills that you can apply to get past some of the
conflicts. Just embrace those differences. A while back, Brett Williams joined me
here on the channel. He's the author of the book "You Can Be
Right Or You Can Be Married". And I love his title because it brings to our
attention one of the biggest problems that comes up when there are differences.
It's really easy to get sucked into this idea of "Well, who's right?" It's not about
who's right, it's about what's right. So, one of the strategies I'd like to share
with you here is to practice humility. In the sense that you give up your need to
be right in exchange for being open. Remember what I said about it's a good
thing that you're different? Some of the ideas that you don't think you agree
with are actually pretty good ideas. I was working with a couple just a few
days ago where they had very different ideas about how to approach their son on
a particular issue. As I listened to her express her ideas and then as I listened
to him express his ideas, the thought crossed my
mind, "You're right. You're both right." But they were so busy fighting over who was
right that they couldn't see that they both were. That leads to one of the
strategies that I think is going to help you the most. And that is to get really
good at communication. Communication is not an easy task. We've got some other
videos here on the channel that will help you with that. Just do a little
search. Here within the channel type in the word communication, you're going to get
a half a dozen videos that you can review to increase your skill set around
communication. Here's a hint: Listen. Spend more time and energy
listening to the potentially brilliant ideas that your spouse has. You don't
have to argue about the kids. What if you were to collaborate for the kids? Spend
some time listening and you might discover that the ideas you think you
disagree with are actually some things that are pretty wise and well thought
out. You know, when you think about it, who other than you loves these kids more
than anybody else on the planet. Yeah, is that person you've been arguing with. So,
pause long enough to realize, "Hey, they love my kids no matter what and even if."
That's your job too, remember? Love your kids no matter what and even if. "Well, my
spouse loves my kids more than anybody else on the planet besides me." Remember
that. The ideas that they have, the experience that they have is different
from yours for a reason. And it will be important to tap into that to really do
the best job for your kids. That leads me right into the last point that I wanted
to make about this. Find a way instead of pitting yourself against your spouse as
an adversary. To join with your spouse as a team that has unique ways to
contribute to the well-being of your children. Honor them (your spouse, I mean)
for who they are and the position that they play in your kids lives. This is
their parent and this is a person who loves them. Trust your spouse to love
your kids. Trust your spouse to do the right things to the extent that they
understand what those things are. When you take that kind of a position, you are
less likely to fight. And and why would you fight it in the first place? Probably
the only reason you'd fight is because you're disagreeing about who's right.
Forget about that. Let's get off of who's right back onto what's right. And apply
these principles in a way that we can really help our kids. So, you're ready? You
ready to take this on? You've got the knowledge. You might not have the skill
set yet. Do what's required to develop that skill set. And if you could use a
little coaching on that, let us help you. We've got certified coaches ready to
take your call. I want you to go to drPaulJenkins.com/
breakthroughcall. Let's get you hooked up with one of our certified coaches. See
what we can do to help you out.