David you perform stand-up company at
Wembley Arena I believe you were the
first comedian ever to perform at
Wembley Arena how was that it was good
although people say that Sherlock was
the first comedian to perform believe he
was because he was your support sure was
our support but he was in sketches so he
actually didn't come on until about the
middle of the show but people just think
it's true but let me just double check
we shot Sean is that true you were the
first yes I was first yeah I liked about
the story is that there's some
journalists you concocted it and they
think it was fed back to me said you
were the first and it's quite a bit of
publicity so I just went yeah I went
along with it for years yeah and then it
became the truth that's how history is
written I did a best man speech at my
brother's wedding and his wife was
pregnant and I opened up with it's
lovely to see them together
the bride's legs that is promise you
that the bride's family left the
restaurant very bad call yeah in the
countryside there was a sheep giving
birth in the field while the wedding was
going on in the marquee and the best man
end of the speech was like and a new
life is born the sheep's giving birth
never ran out into the field with a
champagne toast off and the sheep's baby
was dead
that 100 and a wedding
I was a wedding and the bride was shot
Jack lost his virginity in a restaurant
owned by Anthony Worrell Thompson and
vowed that next time he'd bring enough
money to pay the bill
you shagged Antony world Thomson No
there was no shagging of any water or
thompson's or any celebrity chefs it was
a happy well she was happy at the
beginning
did it go well no it was talking about
how I lost my virginity they said on the
night John promises to tell you about is
when he loses it
I do yes so this is actually it cost me
a lot of money on eBay and this is some
of the Duchess of Cambridge or Kate
Middleton as she then was some I've
heard toenail clippings there we go you
see there's a little toenail clipping of
very very royal person what do you mean
genuine but I mean it it cost me twenty
five thousand pounds it's just not all
can be ordinary ones can it that's
that's definitely from her the great
thing about these is as DNA technology
advances what I have in here is her DNA
code which means that in the years to
come I will be able to make another one
and then she will have no rights in law
should just be my creature it's just the
clippings in the tap
I was targeted by an inflated feely
Acker who tricked me into putting like
clear bags down my like different again
and talked about it he's challenged me
to inflate them if you can figure that
out how to do it and take photos and
email them to me then I'll give you $300
smart because I put these like clear
plastic bags I went down to the petrol
station I use like faces pump them up so
I out these look huge legs and then I
just did it for like weeks because I he
kept challenging me like man those
pictures balloons and he still follows
my like career and he still reaches out
everyone's smiling this is gonna be bad
James if you got a mascot this evening
had bought a mascot along with me
this is Willoughby trick I moved out of
my parents house and after a month I
went back to say hello and this was on
the sofa I said who's that she went it's
willoughby I went what did you knit him
and she went to replace you litchi mama
placement I hate it I don't see how
that's even a look at its face
not happy is it that's not you made him
a jacket as well he's got a jacket for
him that you wears just did lounges
around the house in this house colors
isn't it that comes out it's its little
handkerchief for mopping his brow when
he's had a tough day being an Abba
dictionary corner Joe what have you got
for us well Jimmy I get a lot of parking
fines and I have realized if you ask for
evidence then often you can get out of
the fine now I was up north
doing a show and I got to find so I
emailed the council asking for the
evidence I got an email from some woman
called Steph they said mr. lacet I have
passed your email on to the freedom of
information team hopefully they'll be in
touch with you soon
now I didn't like that word hopefully so
I retired Steph sadly hopefully doth
butter no parsnips can I have an email
address for the person you have
contacted my lawyers would like to
contact them directly you have been very
helpful and hopefully you won't get
caught up in the forthcoming forthcoming
with sinister enough mr. nice I'm not
sure what you mean about butter past ICC
didn't the FOI team who will advise now
I got an email from someone called Colin
they said mr. lacet your request is very
broad so I've assumed you only want
information person into your recent
parking vine attached is the evidence
which we have which are photographs of
your car clearly Park syntax right now
the photographs they had are of my
window which has taxi rank written on it
by presumably a disgruntled taxi driver
there's actually no evidence of a taxi
rank in that photograph so I went back
to Colin didn't I mr. Colin when you
assume you make an ass out of you and me
I see that your evidence is nothing more
than a picture of the words taxi rank
written on my car I would argue this
evidence is insufficient I also put PS
apologies for the delay and replying to
your previous email I'm currently on the
Costa del Sol I provided evidence of
this and then I just put this picture
[Laughter]
I said mister Lysa in order to reverse
the find you will need to provide
evidence that your vehicle was not in a
taxi rank so I said all mr. Kollin
evidence supplied I was actually parked
on the moon as you can see clearly
at over blind mr. Lasser I've canceled
the fine
now John you used to live with with our
John Richardson didn't you yeah I lived
with John for a year and is there
anything we can do to help when we first
met John he was living in a bedsit
crystal and may I just say it was the
cleanest bedsit I for Avon and Somerset
Social Services have ever seen then we
moved in together a group of comedians
into a shared house but John was not
quite used to sharing yet so there was a
negotiation about mass in which we would
sort of go about our normal routine and
John had these suddenly you know just
let's just have an anecdote for an
anecdote deal here you tell this story
and then daddy'll tell us daddy
I'm a child it's now legally accurate
get these little out of nowhere you'd be
doing something and a little northern
passive-aggressive commentary would
start just start C be in the kitchen and
suddenly this voice would go oh right is
that where we keep the Coco Pops now
[Applause]
where did we use to keep the toenails
John did we used to I'll give you a clue
Jimmy Oh
his toenails into the mugs
John once in a fit of pique was very
frustrated with himself and like a lot
of us do wanted to take that out on a
mug however what John brought to that
was he was so worried about the mess it
would make he wrapped it in a tea towel
James yeah have you got a mascot I do
have a mascot yeah I have this guy I we
don't actually have a name poorly but in
my M it's not
this was my great great great
possibly great grandfather's because he
used to be a market trader and he would
take his stall to market every day and
this is a replica of the horse thing I
didn't bring a mascot because and the
producer said we got to have one and she
said why don't you take this up
[Applause]
we're gonna be fine buddy
don't win this evening you know why yes
horse don't say that I didn't know that
I'm just like nine years bad little pits
are the best Christmas gift you've ever
received dog got a dog for Christmas I
know you thinking I dog is for life not
just for Christmas James but I mean this
dog was just for Christmas to be fair
but in my defense it was 15 when we got
it only giving it until New Year's
anyway and I was just there hanging out
of it I've took really good care of it
probably the happiest month for that
dog's life really looked after that dog
and then I mean it just went in the
garden with all the other dogs I've had
for Christmas my god
what's the top of your Christmas list
this year dog okay
and with James of course it's Suzie
don'ts this Christmas thousands of
people will be waking up on Christmas
morning and finding Suzie dents new book
amongst their presents
so if you're watching charity shop
owners you might want to clear a shelf
Suzie are there any Christmas words that
you particularly like food it's gotta be
your you'll hole
what say you will hole you hole is the
furthest hole on your belt sometimes
have to make it and it's reserved just
for Christmas I dig in the garden for
the dog it's a little great really one
thing I hate at Christmas but just all
of the year is when people engrave
messages into jewelry like sentimental
messages there's a website I found that
has some really horrible examples this
one maybe you want to give to your
partner a little gesture of your love
for one another you might want to write
our love is timeless onto a 10 1999
the other thing that I found was a
necklace for somebody who's died which
has got until we meet again for that
special someone I find these offensive
if I'm honest and so what I thought I'd
do is see how offensive I could get with
an engraver and so I got in contact with
a friend of mine who works in
Birmingham's jewelry quarter for some
contacts of some engravers and this is
one text exchange I had I wrote hello
I'm looking to get a message engraved on
a bracelet can you help the reply was
sure what is the text for the bracelet I
just went straight in and I replied
the police he agreed to it I said ha
that's different should be fine let's
see how far we can go said it will need
to be quite small as it will be for a
child
no reply another one I did hello Paul
will call him I want a bracelet engraved
with a heartfelt message have you any
availability thanks Joe
he replied I could do the next couple of
weeks what sort of bracelet slash
message I replied I need a rose gold
bracelet engraved with you're not my
real dad sorry no can do I said do not
do rock fobs
I won't engrave that message so I just
thought well let's see where I can go
with Paul so I said how about I Love You
Sandra he said yes obviously I can do
that
so Paul can you do it in the shape of a
swastika we don't do team names on this
show but if we did I think it would be
Brokeback Mountain today
people forget that actually those two
did a very good job of looking after the
herd