WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY TO BE HERE.
HAPPY... TUESDAY, I THINK?
IT IS TUESDAY.
GOOD.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, SIR.
I DON'T ALWAYS KNOW.
I'M SO GRATEFUL THAT I'M STILL ABLE TO DO A SHOW FOR YOU GUYS
AND FOR ALL OF YOU OUT THERE WATCHING, ONE ASSUMES.
IT'S POSSIBLE MY PRODUCERS ARE LYING TO ME THAT WE'RE
BRODCASTING AT ALL.
"SURE, STEPHEN, WE'VE PUT A VAN ON YOUR FRONT LAWN.
IT TALKS TO SPACE.
NOW TAKE A SHOWER AND SHOUT INTO YOUR PHONE."
WHATEVER.
I'M GRATEFUL FOR SOMETHING TO DO.
NOW, THERE IS ONE ASPECT OF THE SHOW THAT I HAVE REALLY BEEN
MISSING AND THAT IS MY CONVERSATIONS WITH OUR FRIEND
JON BATISTE.
LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS, JON'S MUSIC HAS BEEN FEATURED
THROUGHOUT THE SHOW, BUT WE HAVE NOT CONNECTED ON THE AIR
YET.
SO LET'S GIVE THAT A SHOT.
JON BATISTE, GIVE A SHOUT.
>> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: WHAT'S GOING ON, MY FRIEND?
>> Jon: I'M QUARANTINED AS WE ALL ARE.
THIS IS THE SHOW WE'RE DOING RIGHT NOW, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WE'RE DOING THE SHOW RIGHT NOW.
>> Jon: OKAY, SO, HEY, EVERYBODY, IN THE AUDIENCE, OR
AT HOME.
I HOPE YOU'RE SAFE.
>> Stephen: YES, I HOPE THEY ARE, TOO.
YOU'RE RIGHT TO ASK WHETHER THIS IS A SHOW.
BECAUSE IT DOES NOT-- IT ALMOST ENTIRELY BUT DOES NOT COMPLETELY
FEEL LIKE A SHOW.
>> Jon: IT ABSOLUTELY DOESN'T FEEL LIKE A SHOW.
THERE'S NO AUDIENCE.
I DON'T FEEL THE IN-PERSON ENERGY.
I REALLY MISS THAT, BUT WE'RE DOING WHAT WE CAN.
>> Stephen: HOW IS YOUR FAMILY DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS?
I KNOW THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF CASES DOWN IN LOUISIANA.
>> Jon: YOU KNOW, I REALLY AM GRATEFUL FOR EVERYBODY ON THE
FRONT LINES, YOU KNOW.
THERE'S SO MUCH THAT WE-- WE HAVE-- WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH.
THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING.
I CAN FEEL THAT WE HAVEN'T EVEN REALLY HIT THAT INTENSITY OF
WHERE THE MOMENT IS GOING TO GO.
AND I'M JUST GRATEFUL FOR THE PEOPLE ON THE FRONT LINES IN
LOUISIANA.
MY FAMILY IS STAYING HOME.
AND MY SISTER, SHE HAS-- SHE HAS BEEN WORKING FROM HOME, AND MY
PARENTS ARE RETIRED SO, YOU KNOW, FAMILY TIME.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S NICE.
YOU CAN PLAY US A LITTLE SOMETHING WHILE I GO BACK TO
START MONOLOGUE?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: WHAT HAVE YOU GOT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
NOW, ONE THING I HAVE NOT BEEN MISSING IS DONALD TRUMP.
AND YET, HE PERSISTS.
YESTERDAY, DONALD TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT A CRITICALREPORT
FROM THE HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES ADMINISTRATION'S
INSPECTOR GENERAL, AND HE WAS NOT AMUSED.
>> Reporter: I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE INSPECTOR
GENERAL'S REPORT, BUT TESTING IS STILL A BIG ISSUE IN THIS
COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: UH!
HE REACTS LIKE A TEENAGE GIRL.
( AS TEENAGE GIRL )
REPORTER WANTING TO KNOW INFORMATION.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU JUST GOT TESTED AND YOU ARE POSITIVE FOR BEING A TOTAL
BITCH."
THAT'S MY NEW TRUMP IMPRESSION.
TRUMP EXPLAINED THAT GLOBAL PANDEMIC IS NOT THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT'S JOB.
>> HOSPITALS CAN DO THEIR OWN TESTING, ALSO.
STATES CAN DO THEIR OWN TESTING.
STATES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING TESTING.
HOSPITALS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING TESTING.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
WE'RE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.
LISTEN, WE'RE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.
WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO STAND ON STREET CORNERS DOING TESTING.
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, YES, IT IS THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT'S
JOB.
SECOND, "STREET CORNERS"?
WHO DOES HE THINK DOES THE TESTING?
( AS SEX WORKER )
YOU NEED A DATE?
HOW ABOUT $5 DOLLARS FOR A HAND SWAB?"
TRUMP THEN POINTED TO A CHART THAT HE HAD,
THAT SHOWED THE COUNTRY HAD GONE FROM ALMOST NO TESTING TO SOME
TESTING, AND SCOLDED THE REPORTER.
>> YOU SHOULD SAY, "CONGRATULATIONS, GREAT JOB,"
INSTEAD OF BEING SO HORRID IN THE WAY YOU ASK A QUESTION.
>> Stephen: YES, A REPORTER'S JOB ISN'T TO ASK QUESTIONS.
IT IS TO PRAISE THE PRESIDENT FOR DOING A GREAT JOB, JUST LIKE
WHEN WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN GOT NIXON THAT "CONGRATS ON THE
CORRUPTION" CAKE.
FROM THERE, IT WAS JUST OPEN SEASON ON EVERY REPORTER WHO
ASKED ABOUT THE I.G. REPORT, LIKE ABC'S JON KARL.
>> Reporter: IF I COULD FOLLOW UP ON THIS QUESTION OF THE
H.H.S. INSPECTOR GENERAL.
IT WASN'T SO MUCH HER OPINION, BUT THEY INTERVIEWED 323
DIFFERENT HOSPITALS.
>> WELL, IT STILL COULD BE HER OPINION.
WHEN WAS SHE APPOINTED?
>> Reporter: SHE DID SERVE IN THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION.
>> OH, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT.
OH, I SEE.
YOU'RE A THIRD-RATE REPORTER, AND WHAT YOU JUST SAID IS A
DISGRACE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JON.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU WILL NEVER MAKE IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS WRONG FOR HIM?
FOR THE RECORD, THIS INSPECTOR GENERAL STARTED UNDER BILL
CLINTON, SERVED EIGHT YEARS UNDER GEORGE BUSH-- YOU KNOW
WHAT?
WHO GIVES A ( BLEEP ).
ALL OF THE DRAMA NO LONGER PLAYS TO THE CAMERA, SIR, NOT EVEN TO
YOUR OWN SUPPORTERS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER YOU WHO VOTED
FOR.
EVERYONE JUST WANTS TO KNOW THE TRUTH BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU
STAY ALIVE SO GROW UP AND DO YOUR DAMN JOB.
WE HAVE TO.
YOU SHOULD, TOO.
IS IT STILL TUESDAY?
>> YUP.
>> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO REVEALED THAT HE HAD A PHONE
CALL WITH JOE BIDEN.
>> I ALSO SPOKE, JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO, WITH VICE
PRESIDENT-- FORMER VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHO CALLED, AND
WE HAD A REALLY WONDERFUL, WARM CONVERSATION.
IT WAS A VERY NICE CONVERSATION.
WE TALKED ABOUT PRETTY MUCH THIS.
THIS IS WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT.
HE GAVE ME HIS POINT OF VIEW, AND I FULLY UNDERSTOOD THAT.
AND WE JUST HAD A VERY FRIENDLY CONVERSATION.
>> Stephen: YES, IT WAS A PERFECTLY FRIENDLY CONVERSATION.
JOE BIDEN OFFERED ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH THE PANDEMIC, AND
TRUMP ASKED BIDEN IF HE HAD ANY DIRT ON JOE BIDEN.
OH, SPEAK OF JOE BIDEN.
THERE WAS AN ELECTION TODAY IN WISCONSIN.
NOW, DESPITE THE FACT THAT EVERY OTHER STATE HAS POSTPONED ITS
PRIMARY THIS MONTH, OR MOVED TO MAIL-IN BALLOTS, OF AT THE
INSISTENCE OF THE REPUBLICAN LEGISLATURE, THE BADGER STATE
WENT AHEAD WITH THEIR PRIMARY.
IT'S WISCONSIN'S WAY OF SHOWING NEW HAMPSHIRE THAT YOU CAN LIVE
FREE "AND" DIE.
HERE'S HOW WE GOT INTO THIS MESS.
YESTERDAY, THERE WAS A LAST-MINUTE ORDER FROM
WISCONSIN'S DEMOCRATIC GOVERNOR AND IRON-DEFICIENT ANTHONY
FAUCI, TONY EVERS.
EVERS GAVE THE ORDER TO POSTPONE IN-PERSON VOTING DUE TO THE
CORONAVIRUS.
BUT JUST HOURS LATER, THE WISCONSIN SUPREME COURT
OVERTURNED HIM.
IT'S CLEARLY SADISTIC TO MAKE PEOPLE RISK THEIR LIVES TO VOTE,
BUT THE RULING WAS NO SURPRISE COMING FROM CHIEF JUSTICE
JIGSAW.
( AS JIGSAW )
YOUR ABDOMEN.
TO VOTE, YOU MUST CUT YOURSELF OPEN WITH AN 'I VOTED STICKER.'
>> Stephen: THE RULING WENT UP TO THE U.S. SUPREME COURT, AND
THE CONSERVATIVE MAJORITY BLOCKED EXTENDED VOTING IN
WISCONSIN BY A VOTE OF 5 TO 4.
WELL, OF COURSE, THE SUPREME COURT IS USED TO VOTING WHILE
SOCIAL DISTANCING.
EVERYONE KNOWS TO STAY AT LEAST SIX FEET AWAY FROM
BRETT KAVANAUGH AFTER HE'S BOOFED.
SO VOTERS WERE FORCED TO DO THEIR BEST TODAY, LINING UP AT
POLLING PLACES TO PERFORM THEIR CONSTITUTIONAL DUTY, AND HOPING
NOT TO GET SICK.
LUCKILY, A LOT OF WISCONSIN RESIDENTS ALREADY HAVE ALL THE
MATERIALS THEY MEADE TO MAKE THUR OWN MASKS.
AGAIN, IT'S ONLY TUESDAY-- TUESDAY?
TUESDAY.
BUT IT'S ALREADY BEEN A TERRIBLE WEEK FOR ACTING SECRETARY OF THE
NAVY AND MAN WHO ORDERED HIS HAIRLINE TO RETREAT, THOMAS
MODLY.
IT ALL STARTED LAST WEEK WHEN THE CONCERNED COMMANDER OF
THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER, THE U.S.S. "THEODORE ROOSEVELT,"
WROTE A MEMO TO THE U.S. NAVY SAYING THAT, OF HIS 4,000 CREW,
"MORE THAN 100 SAILORS WERE ALREADY INFECTED WITH THE
CORONAVIRUS," SAYING, "WE ARE NOT AT WAR.
SAILORS DO NOT NEED TO DIE."
AND "WARNED HIS SUPERIORS THAT SAILORS ABOARD THE AIRCRAFT
CARRIER WOULD DIE UNLESS ABOUT 90% OF THE CREW WERE MOVED INTO
INDIVIDUAL QUARANTINE."
AND SAILORS ARE AT PARTICULARLY HIGH RISK.
YOU KNOW HOW THE POPULAR SONG GOES:
♪ IN THE NAVY COUGH ON YOUR FELLOW MAN
♪ IN THE NAVY HEY, NO NEED TO WASH YOUR
HANDS ♪ IT GOES ON FROM THERE.
THE MEMO WAS LEAKED TO THE PRESS, SO MODLY SPRANG INTO
ACTION TO RECTIFY THE SITUATION, AND FIRED CAPTAIN CROZIER.
HERE'S A VIDEO OF THE CREW SENDING THE CAPTAIN OFF.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS ).
>> CAPTAIN CROZIER!
CAPTAIN CROZIER."
CAPTAIN CROZIER!
>> Stephen: DID YOU HEAR THAT CHANTING?
HE'S THE MOST POPULAR CAPTAIN SINCE CRUNCH.
BUT FIRING CROZIER WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR MODLEY.
NO, SUNDAY, MODLEY WENT ABOARD THE U.S.S. "THEODORE ROOSEVELT"
AND GAVE A SPEECH TO THE SAILORS, TRASHING THEIR BELOVED
CAPTAIN.
>> WHAT THE ( BLEEP ).
>> Stephen: I AGREE WITH THAT SAILOR.
"WHAT THE (BLEEP)?" READ THE ROOM, MODLY.
THE MAN YOU'RE CALLING STUPID JUST TRIED TO SAVE YOUR
AUDIENCE'S LIVES.
THAT'D BE LIKE TELLING THE SURVIVORS OF SULLY
SULLENBERGER'S PLANE "OKAY, THAT WAS A NICE LANDING, BUT CAN WE
TALK ABOUT THAT STUPID MUSTACHE NOW?
THERE'S NO WAY TOM HANKS WILL EVER PLAY THAT GUY, AM I RIGHT?
AM I RIGHT?" AND, SECRETARY MODLY, IF YOU
DIDN'T THINK YOUR TONE-DEAF SPEECH WAS GOING TO GET OUT INTO
THE PUBLIC, YOU'RE EITHER TOO NAIVE OR TOO STUPID TO BE
RUNNING THE NAVY.
OH, BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.
BECAUSE THEN MODLY SHIFTED GEARS FROM INSULTING THE CAPTAIN TO
INSULTING THE CREW.
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, DON'T IMPLY THE CREW IS A BUNCH OF
COWARDS BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO CATCH A DEADLY VIRUS.
THEY SIGNED UP TO SERVE THEIR COUNTRY, NOT ENDANGER THEIR
LIVES FOR NO REASON ON A SHIP.
IF THEY WANTED TO DO THAT, THEY'D GO ON A CRUISE.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE'S GOING AFTER THE CREW OF THE
"TEDDY ROOSEVELT."
T.R.'S MOTTO WAS "TALK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG STICK," NOT
"TALK LOUDLY AND BE A BIG DICK."
WELL, AFTER THE AUDIO LEAKED, MODLY RELEASED THIS STATEMENT:
"I STAND BY EVERY WORD I SAID."
OKAY, GOOD FOR YOU.
BE A MAN.
TAKE YOUR LICKS.
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
AND THEN HE TOOK A FEW LICKS, AND THE NEXT DAY HE SAT HIS ASS
DOWN.
"LET ME BE CLEAR.
I DO NOT THINK CAPTAIN BRETT CROZIER IS NAIVE NOR STUPID."
"YEAH, I STAND BY EVERY WORD, EXCEPT THAT I APOLOGIZE, AND I
TAKE BACK EVERY WORD I SAID ABOUT THE CAPTAIN AND THE CREW.
BUT I DID MEAN IT WHEN I SAID THE WORD 'SHIP.'"
HEY, YOU KNOW WHO MIGHT NEED A BIG SHIP?
THE U.F.C.
BECAUSE THEY'VE JUST ANNOUNCED, THEY ARE GETTING A PRIVATE
ISLAND TO HOLD WEEKLY FIGHTS AMID THE CORONAVIRUS CRISIS.
I DON'T SEE WHY THEY NEED TO DO THIS.
WHY DO YOU WANT A FIGHT ISLAND?
IF YOU WANT A FIGHT ISLAND, COME TO MANHATTAN AND TRY TO BUY
TWO ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER.
IT'S A TOTAL BLOODBATH, AND THERE'S NOTHING TO WIPE IT UP
WITH.
U.F.C. PRESIDENT, DANA WHITE, ASSURED VIEWERS THAT THE PRIVATE
ISLAND WHERE MEN BEAT EACH OTHER FOR OUR AMUSEMENT WILL BE
TOTALLY SAFE.
>> WE'RE GOING TO MAKE SURE THAT 100% HEALTHY ATHLETES, HEALTHY
ATHLETIC COMMISSION PEOPLE, HEALTHY JUDGES, REFEREES, MY
PRODUCTION PEOPLE; THAT EVERYBODY THERE IS GOING TO BE
HEALTHY.
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE SURE EVERYBODY'S GOING TO BE SAFE
BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER THE FIGHTS.
>> Stephen: WAIT, "DURING" THE FIGHTS?"
DON'T WORRY.
AFTER I SHATTER YOUR EYE SOCKET, I'M GOING TO WASH MY HANDS FOR
TWO 'HAPPY BIRTHDAYS'.
NOW I'LL PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT."
MR. WHITE EXPLAINED HOW HE PLANS TO KEEP THE ISLAND COVID-FREE.
>> WE HAVE ALL OUR OWN PLANES AND EVERYTHING.
EVERYBODY IS GOING TO BE PRETESTED AND TESTED AND TESTED
AND TESTED.
>> Stephen: SO THE GOOD NEWS IS THERE ARE PLENTY OF CORONAVIRUS
TESTS.
THE BAD NEWS?
THEY'RE ALL ON FIGHT ISLAND.
SO, IF YOUR NANA'S GOT A FEVER, JUST POP A MOUTHGUARD IN AND
LOWER HER INTO THE OCTAGON.
WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
UP NEXT, I TALK TO MY OLD FRIEND CONAN O'BRIEN ON MY SHOW.