>> Stephen: READY TO DO IT?
ONE MORE TIME.
NO?
THAT HURT LAST TIME.
>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT AGAIN?
>> Stephen: I'LL DO IT AGAIN.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU.
READY?
LET'S DO IT.
COME ON!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE'RE ALL STILL TRYING TO PROCESS THE SHOCKING REVELATION
THAT DONALD TRUMP DROPPED LAST NIGHT: HE CARES ABOUT HIS
HEALTH.
CASE IN POINT: TODAY HE HAD AN EVENT IN A ROOM WHERE HE WAS
SURROUNDED BY FRUITS AND VEGETABLES.
HE WAS SHOCKED TO LEARN THAT FRUIT WAS AVAILABLE IN
NON-ROLL-UP FORM.
"USUALLY I ONLY SEE FRUITS BY THE FOOT."
OF COURSE, TRUMP HAD TO BRAG ABOUT HOW GOOD HE WAS TO
FARMERS.
>> WE ARE PROVIDING $19 BILLION TO SUPPORT OUR NATION'S
AGRICULTURAL PRODUCERS, MAINTAIN THE HEALTH OF OUR CRITICAL FOOD
SUPPLY CHAINS, AND PROVIDE FOOD ASSISTANCE TO AMERICAN FAMILIES.
$19 BILLION.
NO OTHER PRESIDENT HAS DONE THIS, ZIPPY.
I'LL TELL YOU, YOU COULD GO BACK TO ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THERE IS NO
PRESIDENT THAT HAS TREATED THE FARMERS LIKE TRUMP.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
LINCOLN WAS PRETTY GOOD FOR FARMERS.
HE DID LIBERATE A LOT OF PEOPLE DOING THE ACTUAL FARMING.
NOW, TRUMP EXPLAINED TO A VIRGINIA FARMER HOW MUCH HE
WANTED TO WIN HIS STATE IN THE UPCOMING ELECTION.
>> WE ARE GOING AFTER VIRGINIA WITH YOUR CRAZY GOVERNOR.
WE'RE GOING AFTER VIRGINIA.
( LAUGHTER )
AMENDMENT AWAY, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
YOU'LL HAVE NOBODY GUARDING YOUR POTATOES.
>> Stephen: OH, YES, GOTTA HAVE SOMEBODY GUARDING YOUR
POTATOES.
THE WHOLE POTATO FAMILY-- NOT JUST THE BIG, MANLY RUSSETS AND
THE FULL-BODIED YUKON GOLDS, BUT THE BABY REDS, THE FINGERLINGS,
THE TATER TOTS.
WHO WILL PROTECT THE TATTER TOTS?
IT'S LIKE THEY SAY: THE ONLY WAY TO BEAT A BAD GUY WITH A GUN IS
A GOOD GUY WITH A POTATO GUN.
THEY SAY THAT, RIGHT?
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR NODDING.
IT WOULDN'T BE A TRUMP EVENT WITHOUT HIM MISPRONOUNCING THE
THING THE EVENT IS ABOUT.
>> IN NORMAL TIMES, ROUGHLY 40% OF FRESH VEGE-ABLES.
>> Stephen: NOT ONLY DOES HE NOT EAT HIS VEGETABLES.
HE CAN'T PRONOUNCE THEM.
( AS TRUMP )
ASPEGUS, THE BROLLY, AND OF COURSE THE KETCHUP BALLS.
I WANT TO THANK THE BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN WHO MILK THOSE EVERY
MORNING."
SO, I'M DOUBTING HE EATS HIS VEGETABLES EVERY DAY, BUT THERE
IS ONE THING HE IS TAKING: HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE.
IT'S TYPICALLY USED TO TREAT MALARIA AND LUPUS.
AND HE'S TAKING IT PROPHYLACTICALLY, THE ONLY TIME
HE'S ACTUALLY USED A PROPHYLACTIC.
AND IT'S A DICEY MOVE: THE F.D.A. SPECIFICALLY CAUTIONS
AGAINST USE OF HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE FOR COVID-19,
IN PART BECAUSE OF SIDE EFFECTS RANGING FROM CARDIAC ARRHYTHMIAS
TO INCREASED RISK OF DEATH.
LOOK, I DON'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL POLITICALLY.
WE HAVE TO PROTECT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
THERE'S JUST NO WAY TO DISMISS THE SERIOUSNESS OF DEATH.
>> DEATH IS DEATH.
>> Stephen: I STAND CORRECTED.
NOW, THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY RESPONDED TO THE NEWS WITH A
"WHAT-- WHAT-- WHAT?
ONE CLINICAL PHARMACOLOGIST SAID OF THE PRESIDENT'S
HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE REGIMEN: "THAT SEEMS TO BE A CRAZY THING
TO DO."
( AS TRUMP )
WELL, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW 'CRAZI' IS MY MIDDLE HORSE."
ONE OF THE REASONS HEALTH PROFESSIONALS WERE ESPECIALLY
CONCERNED IS BECAUSE TRUMP WOULD APPEAR TO BE PART OF THE
COHORT MOST AT RISK, AS HE HAS A COMMON HEART DISEASE.
YES, HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE.
♪ ♪ ♪ DESPITE A STATEMENT BY THE WHITE
HOUSE DOCTOR, SOME PEOPLE ARE SPECULATING THE PRESIDENT MIGHT
BE LYING.
>> LET ME ASSURE YOU, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
IS NOT TAKING HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE.
>> THIS PRESIDENT DOESN'T TELL THE TRUTH.
HE MAY BE TAKING THIS.
HE MAY NOT.
>> Stephen: OR, OPTION "C," HIS DOCTORS DECIDED IT WAS EASIER TO
JUST LET HIM THINK HE'S TAKING IT.
( AS TRUMP )
SPIDERMAN'S HEAD, AND A LITTLE HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE COMES OUT.
RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE BLUE, BUT NEXT WEEK'S PRESCRIPTION IS
ORANGE."
BUT IF THAT'S TRUE, HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE IS JUST PART
OF HIS LONGSTANDING POLICY OF INGESTING WHATEVER PRODUCT HE
ENDORSES.
FUN FACT: TRUMP DEVOURED THE FIRST THREE GRIMACES THEY TRIED
TO PUT IN THAT McDONALDS COMMERCIAL.
( AS TRUMP )
DRY."
GET ME SOME OF THAT-- THAT-- THAT KETCHUP BALL MILK."
IT WASN'T JUST DOCTORS WHO WERE SHOCKED AT TRUMP'S
SELF-MEDICATING.
WE ALSO HEARD FROM SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE AND DRESS BARN BANDIT,
NANCY PELOSI.
SPEAKER PELOSI HAD SOME CHOICE WORDS TO EXPRESS HER CONCERN FOR
THE PRESIDENT.
>> MADAME SPEAKER, WHAT IS YOUR REACTION TO THE PRESIDENT
SAYING THAT HE IS NOW TAKING HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE?
ARE YOU CONCERNED?
>> HE'S OUR PRESIDENT, AND I WOULD RATHER HE NOT BE TAKING
SOMETHING THAT HAS NOT BEEN APPROVED BY THE SCIENTISTS,
ESPECIALLY IN HIS AGE GROUP AND IN HIS, SHALL WE SAY, WEIGHT
GROUP.
MORBIDLY OBESE, THEY SAY.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT IS A VERY POLITE WAY TO SAY A MEAN
THING.
( AS PELOSI )
PRESIDENT BECAUSE HE IS, SHALL WE SAY, 20 POUNDS OF PUDDING IN
A 10-POUND SACK.
WHAT I'M SAYING IS YOUR PRESIDENT IS SO FAT, THAT WHEN
HE SITS AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE, HE-- AND SHALL I PUT THIS
DIPLOMATICALLY-- SITS AROUND THE WITHOUT, WHICH IS A VERY LARGE
BUILDING, INDEED."
AND IT'S IMPORTANT TO POINT OUT THAT FAT SHAMING IS WRONG.
PLENTY OF WONDERFUL PEOPLE ARE OLD AND FAT AND BELOVED.
LIKE SANTA.
BUT GUESS WHAT?
SANTA SHOULDN'T TAKE HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, EITHER!
ALSO, HE SHOULD REALLY SHAVE HIS BEARD.
NO WAY YOU'RE GETTING A GOOD MASK SEAL ON THAT, KRINGLE.
TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT PELOSI CALLING HIM OBESE, AND HE
CLAIMED TO BE ABOVE THE FRAY.
>> I DON'T RESPOND TO HER.
I THINK SHE'S A WASTE OF TIME.
>> Stephen: AND HE IS THE WORLD'S LEADING AUTHORITY ON
WASTING TIME.
THIS ONE TIME THERE WAS A HUGE, DEADLY GLOBALLY PANDEMIC. AND HE
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT FOR, LIKE, TWO MONTHS.
HE WAS A PERSONAL BEST AT BEING THE WORST.
BUT IF TRUMP REALLY IS TAKING HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, HE MIGHT NOT
ONLY BE ENDANGERING HIMSELF, BECAUSE TRUMP'S GOT LEGIONS OF
FOLLOWERS EAGER TO JUMP ON THE HYDROXYCHLORO-WAGON.
SO YESTERDAY, FOX NEWS'S NEIL CAVUTO GAVE THIS STERN WARNING:
>> IF YOU ARE IN A RISKY POPULATION HERE, AND YOU ARE
TAKING THIS AS A PREVENTATIVE TREATMENT, IT WILL KILL YOU.
I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH.
THIS.
WILL.
KILL.
YOU.
>> Stephen: NO, NEIL!
BAD!
I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH: FOX ANCHORS HAVE TO BACK UP
EVERYTHING TRUMP SAYS OR ELSE!
I MEAN, THEY'VE ALREADY REPLACED BRIAN KILMEADE WITH A
HUMAN-SIZED BLEACH JUG.
HARD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
TRUMP WASN'T ABOUT TO TAKE THIS SLIGHT FROM NEIL LYING DOWN--
ALTHOUGH, HE WAS ALMOST CERTAINLY LYING DOWN WHEN HE
RETWEETED HALF A DOZEN TWITTER POSTS ATTACKING CAVUTO AND
CALLING HIM AN "IDIOT," "FOOLISH," "GULLIBLE" AND "AN
( BLEEP ).
THERE YOU HAVE IT: TRYING TO KEEP ELDERLY PEOPLE ALIVE NOW
MAKES YOU AN IDIOT IN TRUMP'S BOOK-- WHICH MIGHT EXPLAIN HIS
RECENT TWITTER FEUD WITH A SHOWER CHAIR.
BUT TRUMP ISN'T JUST MAD AT FOX.
HE'S READY TO MOVE ON FROM THEM, TWEETING LAST NIGHT, "FOX NEWS
IS NO LONGER THE SAME.
WE MISS THE GREAT ROGER AILES."
YOU KNOW WHO DOESN'T?
MISS ROGER AILES?
WOMEN WITHIN ARM'S REACH.
TRUMP CONTINUED: "YOU HAVE MORE ANTI-TRUMP
PEOPLE, BY FAR, THAN EVER BEFORE LOOKING FOR A NEW OUTLET!"
WELL, LUCKILY, MR. PRESIDENT, I KNOW OF AN OUTLET READY TO SHOW
YOU THE LOYALTY YOU CRAVE.
IT'S OUR OWN IN-HOUSE NEWS SOURCE, "REAL NEWS TONIGHT."
JIM?
>> WELCOME TO "REAL NEWS TONIGHT," I'M JIM ANCHORTON.
ACCORDING TO REPORTS, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS LOOKING FOR A NEW
NUMBER-ONE NEWS SOURCE, TO WHICH I SAY, MR. PRESIDENT, LOOK NO
FURTHER.
UNLIKE THE LIBERAL FAKEERS AT FOX NEWS, I WON'T TELL YOUR
VOTERS WHAT WILL KILL THEM.
NOT ONLY HAVE I STARTED TAKING ALL YOUR RECOMMENDED MEDICATION
I'M TAKING ONES YOU HAVEN'T MENTIONED.
I'M ON HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, I VIAGRA, QUAALUDES AND MUSHROOMS.
I'M NOT SURE IF THEY, WITH ON THE VIRUS BUT I DISCUSSED IT
WITH MY DOCTOR-- A PILLOW THAT SAYS LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.
I HAVE BEEN SUCKING THE PRESHTS JUICE FROM THESE CLOROX WIPES
UNTIL I LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS.
SPEAKING OF-- TIME FOR MY DAILY DOSE.
FROM ALL OF US AT REAL NEWS...
OW!
>> Stephen: HE'S FINE.
TRUMP IS STILL TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE HE CAN BLAME HIS POOR
RESPONSE TO THE PANDEMIC.
SO FAR, HE'S NARROWED IT DOWN TO CHINA, OBAMA, AND ANYONE NOT
NAMED DONALD TRUMP.
( AS TRUMP )
DOG.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON'T HAVE A DOG?
THEN WHO POOPED ON THE RUG?
ERIC!" LAST NIGHT, TRUMP LASHED OUT AT
ONE OF HIS FAVORITE BLAME TARGETS, THREATENING IN A LETTER
TO THE DIRECTOR GENERAL OF THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION THAT
HE WOULD PERMANENTLY END ALL FUNDING TO THE ORGANIZATION IF
IT DID NOT "COMMIT TO SUBSTANTIVE IMPROVEMENTS."
NO SURPRISE THERE.
THE W.H.O. COMBINES EVERYTHING TRUMP HATES: THE WORLD, HEALTH,
AND ORGANIZATION.
TRUMP'S REAL TARGET IS CHINA AND THEIR HANDLING OF THE
CORONAVIRUS.
THAT'S WHY HIS LETTER INCLUDES THIS LITTLE TIDBIT: "ON JANUARY
28, 2020, AFTER MEETING WITH PRESIDENT XI IN BEIJING, YOU
PRAISED THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT FOR IT'S TRANSPARENCY WITH
RESPECT TO CORONAVIRUS."
YEAH, AND I SEEM TO REMEMBER ONE MEMBER OF THE W.H.O. ON JANUARY
24th REALLY GOING OVER THE TOP WITH THEIR PRAISE OF CHINA.
"CHINA HAS BEEN WORKING VERY HARD TO CONTAIN THE CORONAVIRUS.
THE UNITED STATES GREATLY APPRECIATES THEIR EFFORTS AND
TRANSPARENCY.
IT WILL ALL WORK OUT WELL.
IN PARTICULAR, ON BEHALF OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, I WANT TO THANK
PRESIDENT XI."
WELL, THAT TWEET HASN'T AGED VERY WELL.
BUT THEN AGAIN, NEITHER HAS DONALD TRUMP.
TRUMP FEELS THE W.H.O. IS TOO CLOSE TO CHINA, SO HE'S CUTTING
OFF THEIR FUNDING.
CHINA HAD ANOTHER IDEA, BECAUSE ALSO YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT
XI JINPING OFFERED TO PROVIDE $2 BILLION IN THE FIGHT AGAINST
THE PANDEMIC AND CALLED ON OTHER NATIONS TO INCREASE THEIR
CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE W.H.O.
TAKE THAT, CHINA!
TRUMP JUST MADE YOU THE WORLD PANDEMIC.
HE'S GOT YOU RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT YOU.
BUT YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO HEAR THAT TRUMP CAN BE AWFUL ABOUT THINGS
OTHER THAN THE PANDEMIC.
IN A HUGE BREAK WITH A DECADES-LONG PRESIDENTIAL
TRADITION, "TRUMP WON'T BE UNVEILING BARACK OBAMA'S WHITE
HOUSE PORTRAIT," PARTLY BECAUSE TRUMP ALREADY MADE HIS OWN
UNOFFICIAL OBAMA PORTRAIT.
FOR DECADES, HANGING A PREDECESSOR'S PORTRAIT HAS
SIGNALED "THE PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER FROM
PRESIDENT TO PRESIDENT, REGARDLESS OF PARTY POLITICS."
NOW, THIS IS THE BIGGEST DIS TO A PRESIDENTIAL PREDECESSOR SINCE
JOHN ADAMS REFUSED TO WEAR WASHINGTON'S TEETH.
WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS "CBS THIS MORNING" ANCHOR GAYLE KING.
STICK AROUND.
STICK AROUND!
♪ ♪ ♪