welcome Arnold down here up there out there all around the world Welcome
to The Late Show I'm your host Stephen Colbert this right now
this is our last show of 2022. we made it my New Year's resolutions
are going to be working out more and not having to talk about Nazis I wonder
I wonder which one I'll have to break first years ending on a bit of a bang what looked
like to be a slow news day has suddenly been transformed into a bracing moment of history
and it's all thanks to the former president you see yesterday he posted on his social media site
promising a major announcement tomorrow along with this video America needs a superhero
[Music]
ha kind of mysterious what would he possibly use that
laser vision for Jim can we pull out a little bit
there you go that makes sense that's on brand [Applause]
no one knew what this major announcement was going to be but there was a lot of actual
speculation would he announce a long shot bid to become speaker of the house would
he announce his intended running mate and would Kid Rock say yes [Applause] often these pre-hyped
announcements turn out to be Duds not this one because late this morning the former president
dropped the Blockbuster News Major announcement my official digital trading card collection is here
that's right you read that right the ex-president of the United States the ex most powerful man in
the world has launched a line of trading cards it's grope him on with Pikachu
have mercy this is the least dignified attempt at post-presidential merchandising since the
launch of tickle me Truman [Applause] [Laughter] on the official trading cart
website and yes there is one it's www dot the saddest thing you've ever seen dot org foreign
the former president tells you just what you can expect from this premium opportunity I'm doing
my first official Donald J Trump nft collection right here and right now he's a business genius
jumping in on the nft market when it's at its hottest
next he's releasing an exclusive line of rotary phones [Applause] the trading cards allow you
to collect all of your favorite characters from the extended former president Universe
because every card is him theirs and these are all real him playing golf him approving of gold
him wearing a hat that says Dao just like they do on Wall Street and him stealing the torch from
the Statue of Liberty he took her torch it makes sense she was holding it to light away from the
immigrants he was like back you huddled messes I'll burn you I got a silver bullet Bang Bang
eat flame Jose that's just the beginning the former president says the cars feature amazing
art of my life and career that's what he says but they depict him as a cowboy
a race car driver and an astronaut so really seems like the cars memorialized everything
he's never done like have abs now you're probably out there saying you're saying Steve you're just
picking out the stupidest of these trading cards no because they are all equally stupidest here he
is standing on the 45-yard line about to punch a football and here's one where he's dressed
up as a pilot standing Atop The Earth with the sun shining out of where the sun don't shine
any of these Priceless images can't be yours for only 99 each that may seem like a lot but
remember you don't get to choose which one because the website says these trading cards
are randomly generated and delivered so you won't know which card you receive until you
check your wallet after purchase okay let's see what I got oh Cowboy again okay I guess I'm gonna
have to pay another 99 dollars Cowboy all right never again after this one okay Eric damn it
as always as always the former president stands behind whatever he sells with this
promise and guarantee we make absolutely no promise or guarantee that the nfts will
increase in value or maintain the same value as the amount you pay to purchase same you
understand and agree that the nfts have no inherent monetary value solid reminds
me of the Arby's slogan we make absolutely no promise or guarantee that what we have is meat
tasty though Horsey Sauce in a way this is all kind of gratifying to me because a Monster who
tried to install himself as our fascist strong man is now reduced to Hawking a line of trading
cards it's like if Hitler escaped the bunker and released mine comic book of course if that nft
astronaut wants to be president again he'll have to defeat Joe Biden maybe because Biden hasn't
yet said whether he'll run for re-election and Democrats aren't sure if he should the
majority of his own voters say he shouldn't run again and the major reason is his age well it
makes sense most 80 year olds aren't out there battling Putin they're at home battling pudding
honey
honey honey I can't get the spoon through the skin bring me my cordless drill apparently the
president is getting sick of all the talk about his age recently snapping at one Ally you think
I don't know how old I am sorry my language got solved here I'm sorry I'm sorry folks no mother
look sorry my language got a little saltier than Rehoboth Taffy but Jeepers Jack butts up I know
how old I am I've known since back when you could buy a nickel for a penny look I know the number
you know the number why don't you just say it and I'll tell you if you're right 80 fair enough okay
for these teeth only 15. give them a tap the ring like Chimes you should hear me in the breeze
one person not saying
if you people at home only knew the journey we've been on here
one person not staying in their job is outgoing Speaker of the House Nancy
Pelosi seen here showing what she do to Kevin McCarthy's balls if he had any
a diamond Pelosi passed the torch of Democratic Leadership in the house to
Hakeem Jeffries and yesterday to Mark the end of her term Republicans and Democrats
got together to unveil her official portrait that is really that is really
lovely but that's just my opinion what do you think of the painting Madam speaker
whoa nice what were you gonna do if you didn't like it [Applause]
okay tough but fair and and who is likely to follow you as the next speaker
yes yes
an app yes app description but his friends call him Kevin now it seems like every day
there's another stupid news story about Tesla CEO and bond villain announcing
I will destroy the world unless you give me eight dollars a month
Elon Musk ever since musk bought Twitter he's claimed to be a free speech absolutist and even
tweeted my commitment to free speech extends even to not Banning the account following my
plane even though that is a direct personal safety risk the account is talking about at
Elon Jett is one that automatically posts the movements of his private jet and to must credit
he stood by his Free Speech principles and let it stay up until yesterday when Twitter
suspended the account the tracked musk's private jet at Elon jet was created by a Florida College
student who in the past offered musk to take down the account for a price I remember telling my uh
roommate hey uh Elon Musk just direct messaged me according to the messages Elon said I don't
love the idea of being shot by a nutcase and then offered Jack five thousand dollars to shut
the account down then I basically asked for 50 000 or a Tesla and he said uh thinking about it
but musk decided not to Shell out fifty thousand dollars to shut the kid up instead spending 44
billion dollars to buy the company and ban him he's a financial genius and as a result
I got a couple I got a couple things there you go as a result of this business savvy must net
worth has recently plummeted and this week he sold 3.5 billion dollars of Tesla stock
and no one knows why I think I know why could it be to invest in trading cards [Applause]
my guests are Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen but when we come back it's puppies [Applause] [Music]