(upbeat music)
- What's so wrong about tap water?
- So tap water has a lot of synthetic things,
like fluoride and chloramine.
- Oh my God.
- Fluoride?
We put fluoride in the water to prevent tooth decay.
These are great public health achievements.
- Okay, so fluoride is good?
- No, fluoride makes people more docile.
It's a mind control drug.
- The government is controlling our minds with fluoride?
- They could be.
- Oh, shit.
- What mind control drugs?
- That sounds like something someone would say
who's being controlled by the mind.
- I don't understand what the,
I don't even understand the question.
I mean,
this guy is a charlatan
who's part of a whole anti-science movement.
- But if fluoride
being a government induced mind control drug
is anti-science,
where's Live Water getting all these science-y charts
and evidence?
- There's a lot of evidence to support that,
if you just go to the third page of Google.
- The third page of Google?
- That's where it really makes sense.
- When you say "evidence,"
do you mean conspiracy theory?
- It's not a conspiracy if it's true.
You know, 9/11?
I think we all know what really happened there.
- What really happened there?
- Just go to the third page of Google.
(audience laughing)
- Okay.
So I did.
But the only thing I discovered about 9/11
is that it's Ludacris' birthday.
And the only thing I discovered about Live Waters
is that holy shit,
how much does this cost?
- Two and a half gallon glass jugs
are $22 each.
And then $12-16 per jug.
- So basically,
it's like the cost of a bottle of water
and then lighting $28 on fire.
(upbeat music)
- We grew up playing this golf course.
This is a place where I wanted to establish my career
and let my kids grow up.
But, you know,
you can't have a golf course with only three holes.
- Yeah.
Three holes are only good for one thing.
- You know, we'd have to-
- Talkin' about sex.
Sorry, you were talking about...
- Yeah,
if Trump builds his wall,
we would lose everything completely.
- Right.
- I just don't think it's fair.
- [Desi] Which is why Jeremy is tirelessly speaking out
against Trump's number one policy.
As one of the wall's victims,
he never could have seen it coming.
- I actually voted for President Trump.
- You voted for Trump?
- Yes, ma'am,
I did.
I think Trump truly cares about the American people
and what he campaigned on
is stuff I believe in and agreed with.
- Except for the destroying your business part.
- Except for the destroying the business part.
And it just felt like it was time for something different.
- (exhales loudly) Oh my God.
Why are you complaining?
He is literally doing the thing that you voted for.
- You know, Trump is a salesman.
You know,
so we figured it was a metaphorical wall.
- You thought he was talking about a metaphorical wall?
- Right.
Not an actual, physical wall.
- That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
(audience laughs)
Didn't Trump say-
- It will be a real wall!
A real wall!
- Just maybe once or twice.
July 2nd, 2015:
"We must build a wall."
July 28th, 2015:
"We must have a wall."
June 6th, 2015:
"Nobody can build a wall like Trump."
August 5th, 2014:
"Build a wall."
November 19th, 2015:
"We need a big and beautiful wall."
August 30th, 2016,
I saw another one:
"From day one,
I said I was going to build a great wall
on the Southern border."
August 25th, 2015:
"It's not a fence, Jeb,
It's a wall."
You think those were all metaphors?
(upbeat music)
- How is a sex robot really any different
from like a vibrator
or a dildo on top of a life-size cardboard cutout
of Wolf Blitzer, say, hypothetically?
- Well,
if we were just talking about objects
that you rubbed on your genitals,
we wouldn't be having this conversation.
You don't need to buy an expensive doll to do this.
You can use all kinds of things.
- Eggplants.
- Yes.
- Pillows,
good old fashioned subway seat,
a cheese grater.
- But it's still not sex with another person.
- A city bike.
- What we're being offered
is a degrading, de-humanized, commercial product
that's basically telling people
that women are reducible to dolls.
- Ooo, she's right.
Sex bots could change men's view on women
the same way pornography has.
And I have to say,
I for one,
am disgusted with the continual objectification of women.
- We're making male versions as well.
- You have a male robot?
Oh my God.
That's, that one, you said this one's taken?
- Yes.
- I was starting to see how some people
could find the idea of a sex bot appealing.
- There are a lot of people out there
who might be lonely,
and this is a different way to experience companionship.
- He had a point.
Not everyone's a people person.
If someone wants to bang a robot,
who are we to judge?
Aren't there some perks to sex robots?
- Not generally, no.
- You don't think so?
Okay.
- I mean, you can sit on them if you want.
You can do those kinds of things.
- Sorry, what else can you do with them?
- You could tie their hair up in a ponytail,
if it's got a wig.
You can play soft music in the background.
- It's a little hot.
- You can caress their rubber hands,
and you know,
you can put a blindfold on it.
- Is it hot?
It's really hot.
- And you can make it wear a tank top.
- Oh God, I love tank tops.
- You can do all those things,
but you're still masturbating.
- Mm.
Yes, you are.
- It's something you're having exclusively with yourself
for your own pleasure.
And I think the consequence of that
is the end of humanism.
- You really know how to be a buzzkill, don't you?
(upbeat music)
So who likes football?
- I don't watch football anymore.
- He hasn't watched football all year.
- Why haven't you watched football all year?
- 'Cause I don't like what's going on.
- [Women] The kneeling?
- With Kaepernick.
- [Desi] The kneeling?
- Yes.
Don't like it.
- You don't like it? - Not at all.
- (laughs) I disagree.
- It was time to work my magic.
Okay,
so you say that you disagree?
- Yes.
- Okay.
This is the point of the conversation
where you need to connect.
- You're really going to let someone kneeling
before the football game
stop you from watching the entire game?
- Yes, I am.
- The entire thing?
- Yes.
- That doesn't make any sense.
Just don't watch them kneeling,
just turn it on after.
(crosstalk)
- I'm trying to teach you (beep)
how to have a civilized conversation!
I think it's going great.
I really feel that this family is responsive
to the techniques that I've shown them.
I think David would feel very proud.
of the way that I'm handling this.
- I put the TV on
and I watch his kid kneel down.
I shut it off,
I don't want to watch him.
- Just like let him kneel,
who cares?
They're like making a statement,
it's a peaceful protest.
- Help me, Desi!
- Okay.
Very good, very good, very good.
You actually just did all four steps in one statement.
You were reflecting on what was happening here.
You asked for help.
You were connecting with me.
And you were expanding on an idea.
All four.
(everyone applauding)
Happy holidays!
- [Everyone] Happy holidays!
(glasses clinking)
What's so happy about...
It's a scary time for men right now.
- [Women At Table] Men?
Just men?
- Well, there's always next year.
(upbeat music)
Hi, my name is Desi.
It's been three days
since I checked my ex-boyfriend's Instagram account.
(group disagreeing)
I was seamlessly blending in.
So would any of you girls actually join Boy Scouts?
- [Group] No.
- What do you like about being a Girl Scout?
- You don't have to worry about
like being embarrassed or anything,
'cause you're with your sisterhood, Girl Scouts.
- I'm glad you brought that up
because I was the one that just farted.
So, thank you for giving me the support
to be able to share that with you.
It was clear they provided a safe space.
But in order to get the full Girl Scout experience,
I needed to earn some badges.
Today,
we're going to show you guys
how to build some small robots.
Is everyone excited?
- [Group] Yeah!
- Yes, yes!
- She's pretty old to be a Girl Scout.
(dumps material)
I don't really think she understands
what the building of the robot is for.
- Are we building the Ryan Gosling bot
from "Blade Runner"?
- Um, no.
- Can we just start building the bot?
- Yeah, let's do that.
Everybody want to open their-
- So I didn't get my robotics badge,
or my mountain climbing badge,
or archery badge,
or this manipulating DNA badge.
Jesus, there are a lot of badges to get.
So I did what I had to do.
That's really neat.
What troop are you in?
(audience laughs)
Yeah, it's crazy.
I guess they just saw some leadership skills in me.
Oh, shit.
Apparently, in Girl Scouts,
shortcuts are frowned upon.
But I had one last chance to redeem myself
by participating in some easy peasy rope games that-
Holy shit.
(intense music)
Okay, I got this.
I've been to target on a Saturday,
I can do anything.
I don't need luck
when I have skill.
Why does it have to be so hard?
- Keep going!
Come on!
- I'm gonna die!
- No you're not, you can do it!
- Through relentless
and borderline annoying encouragement...
I'm doing it!
These girls showed me what it meant
to be part of a strong female-led organization.
And I was ready to lead.
- Oh, hi.
Uh, okay.
- Oh, whoa.
So cool.
One of the cool things about Girl Scouts
is that it's always evolving.
So you can create your own activities
and reward yourself with your own badges.
So this one is my vajazzling badge
for arts and crafts.
This is not crying during Botox.
And for not getting pregnant, again.
(upbeat music)
Trevor, this is so frustrating.
After a century of teasing,
they bring us to the point of ratification,
and then say, "It's not the right time"?
I guess women finally know
what it's like to have blue balls.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, Desi,
I can totally understand your frustration.
What I don't understand
is why are you black and white?
- Well, I could ask you the same question Trevor.
But I won't.
I won't because it's racist.
- No, no Desi.
I mean, I mean,
why are you in black and white?
Like you, you look like you're in the 1920's.
- Because Trevor,
I feel like I'm in the 1920's!
Women don't have equality,
Nazis are back in the news,
I've even got a case in the measles.
And yeah,
maybe it's cause I'm on an anti-vaxxer dating site,
but what can I say,
I like the bad boys. (laughs)
- No, Desi.
Desi, come on.
I know men and women are still not on a level playing field,
but you don't have to be in the 1920's.
- No, it's fine, Trevor.
I'm actually over the moon
about living in the 1920's style.
The glitz, the glam, all that jazz.
I'm even learning the Charleston.
Hey, do the Charleston, Aight! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Desi, that's, that's not the Charleston.
- No, I think it is.
- I don't think it is.
And yes, yes,
America's moving slowly toward equality,
but I don't think that's any reason to give up, Desi.
- Look, I don't care any more, Trevor.
It's too depressing.
Even female amendments get ignored
after they turn 35.
(audience laughs)
I don't care if it is prohibition,
this gal needs a drink.
- No, Desi, don't drink out of a shoe!
What are you doing?
- Ugh, relax Trevor.
It's not my shoe.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- The basic idea of time
is really just an agreement.
We all have to come together
to decide when 10:00 AM is.
And that agreement shouldn't kill people.
- Time is an agreement?
What even is time?
(adventurous music)
When it's time?
Who is time?
Why is time?
What?
- Uh, can I go now?
(audience laughs)
- The deeper I traveled into daylight saving,
the deeper I got lost in what time even was.
- Time is a construct, right?
- Time is now,
it's before, it's later,
- I'm in their past,
but it's my future.
- And if some states change the clocks
and Arizona doesn't,
could space and time invert on themselves?
Who are you?
- Better question is,
"When am I?"
- Future me?
- Yeah.
I'm you during daytime save light time.
- Hold on a second.
This is me in an hour?
- Yeah, this whole changing the clocks thing
is really (beep) up.
- God damn it.
If people just locked the clocks,
this whole thing would never happen.
(dramatic sound)
Ah, yes.
The McFly paradox.
I knew exactly what to ask me.
You know how to 69?
Yeah, okay.
(upbeat music)
- [Man] He's been hit with charges
after pictures in this video
showing him handling an alligator,
which he posted,
we're seeing by law enforcement.
- My real name, Jordan Bedford,
but I go by The Alligator Man.
- Okay.
Um, Alligator Man,
what's the common factor among all Florida men?
- We all are different.
Well, I'm different from the rest
because I do the wrong thing in the right way,
if that makes sense.
- No.
- No?
So you're not from Florida,
so you don't understand my language
what I'm talking right now,
but, I do the wild things.
Anything you think of, I'll probably do it.
- Anything?
- Anything.
I'll catch gators.
- Anything?
- Anything.
Well not anything.
- Oh, okay.
- But basically anything
when it comes to the reptile animals.
Mainly the alligators though.
Wait, like here in Florida,
you're not allowed to catch an alligator.
I mean,
I didn't know that before,
but I know now.
I just handled it for him,
put him on the leash
and danced with the last one they seen.
- What kind of dancing did you do with the alligator?
- The Alligator Man dance.
You got to kick your feet,
spell alligator in the sand as you dancin',
as you're going around,
you spellin' "alligator"
and you end it with the stomp.
The Alligator Man got a commercial too.
- You have a commercial?
- Yeah, he got a commercial,
he got a theme song.
Everybody sing like,
"Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na.
It's the Alligator Man."
- That is 100% the McDonald's jingle.
- Well it's the Alligator Man song now.
- I see what you're saying about
doing the wrong thing in the right way
and how it works.
- It works.
- Where do you find alligators in Florida?
- If there's a lake,
there's a gator.
I promise you.
So that's everywhere.
There's gators everywhere.
(chair shaking)
Those chairs are very hard to get up out of.
- She gone.
(upbeat music)
- I've been watching Fox News for 64 hours straight
and I think I know everything about Kamala Harris.
So Kamala Harris is a radical communist Senator
from California.
She's going to turn the entire country into San Francisco.
I hope you like couscous
because it's going to be the only legal side dish.
They want you to think Caramel Harris is mainstream,
but the truth is,
she's a radical socialist Vegemite Hell demon.
She attended socialism university
and majored in abortion.
She will ban assault weapons from hospitals
and make it legal for immigrants to play in the NFL.
You wanna know something else about Campbell Soup Harris?
She has never once clapped when the airplane lands.
In this country,
we stand and applaud for our JetBlue pilots.
And guess what else?
Calamari Harrison supports the Green New Deal.
You have a car?
Well, guess what?
You're going to be forced
to put one of those coexist stickers on there.
You're not fooling anybody, Alexandria Okamala Cortez.
She just, she just, she just seems so angry.
I mean, what the Hell is she so angry about?
I hate angry women!
Why has she still not released Obama's college transcripts?
What is her skincare routine?
What does she think about the minions?
How can we trust Candelabra Harris?
She's a cop who wants to defund the police.
Meaning she would stop existing
because she eats money to survive.
She is half Indian and half Jamaican.
So say goodbye to drinkin' beer at a football game
and say hello
to sipping a mango lassi at a bobsled competition.
Actually, that sounds really good.
Forget I said anything.
(upbeat music)
$34.
- To $44.
- Oh, great.
So while your little girl is learning how to walk,
she'll also learn how to navigate the system
that's exploiting her.
Sorry. (upbeat game show music)
- These are two children's snorkels.
- $8.84,
$16.22 for the pink?
So women literally have to pay more to breathe.
Sorry. (upbeat game show music)
- 28 women's diapers for $15.98.
But the men get 32 diapers
for the same amount of money.
This is why I stopped pooping.
(upbeat game music abruptly stops)
And just like me,
this system is full of shit.
How can women afford to live in this world?
- If the man's version is cheaper,
then just buy that one.
- Yeah, sure.
If you think about it,
it's just one extra step in a series of extra steps
that women take everyday
to thrive in a man's world.
Like how we get up a little extra early every morning
to put on an outfit that looks professional,
yet accessible,
but not too accessible
because we don't want to be taken advantage of.
Or how we walk an extra five blocks to work
so that we can avoid the construction zone
because men like to tell us to "smile more."
Then when we get to work,
we want to make our voices heard,
but in a way that's helpful and strong
without being overbearing or shrill.
You know, we do all of this
without even an ounce of resentment
because resentment causes wrinkles
and society does not value aging women.
Is there a men's wrinkle cream
that you can recommend?
Yes, there are several.
- I'm sure it costs less?
- Maybe a little.
- There's got to be a better solution.
- I'm introducing the Pink Tax Repeal Act.
We have got to get the federal government
to protect women
from this gross discrimination.
- That's right.
Speier is ready
to give the pink tax some blue balls.
But why stop there?
- I think there has to be an outrage.
Women should say,
"Why is this more?
This is discrimination.
I'm going to call corporate."
- Got it.
Be outraged,
make our voices heard,
take it into our own hands.
Until the repeal of the Pink Tax Act gets passed,
I'm going to make up for all the shit
we've already paid for,
with the help of my little pink friend.
(heavy rock music)
Perfect.
Giving women their money back
one item at a time.
We'll call it Desi's Dick Tax.
Strong enough for a man,
but priced just for her.
(heavy rock music continues)
(knocks stool over)
(upbeat music)