Now that the report has been released to the public,
we're realizing that Barr sure left out a lot of juicy details.
Tonight the nation riveted by the Mueller report,
the most anticipated document in a generation finally public,
exposing secrets and lies,
and detailing explosive new revelations.
The Mueller report is out, and it is very different
from what Donald Trump's attorney general described
over the past three weeks.
MAN: The day Mueller was appointed-- May 17, 2017--
President Trump "Slumped back in his chair and said,
"'Oh, my God. This is terrible.
"'This is the end of my presidency.
I'm F'd .'"
Okay, I'm-I'm sorry. That is hilarious.
When Trump found out Mueller was investigating,
he slumped in his chair and said, "I'm (bleep)."
(laughter)
You know why I like that?
Because he always acts like nothing phases him, you know?
Chin up, shoulders back, tummy out.
But it turns out Trump panics about his presidency
as much as the rest of us.
That's nice to know. Yeah.
It's a good feeling to know, yeah?
(applause)
It's almost like... it's almost like
we're on a plane with crazy turbulence,
and we all think we're in this alone,
but the pilot is also in the cockpit like,
"Aah! I'm F'd! I'm F'd! I'm F'd!
"I'm F'd! I'm F'd! I'm F'd! I'm F'd!
"Ladies and gentlemen, no collusion. Everything is fine.
I'm F'd! I'm F'd! I'm F'd! I'm F'd!"
(applause and cheering)
So... so it turns out, it turns out,
when Barr summarized the Mueller report,
he forgot to mention
that Trump's entire administration panicked
at the idea of being investigated,
and in addition to that,
his summary absolved Trump of obstruction of justice.
What it didn't mention was that, for two years,
Trump was constantly trying to stop the investigation.
The only thing that prevented him from doing that
is that the White House is baby-proof.
MAN: The report details several cases
of senior advisors declining to take actions
that could have obstructed justice.
The president's staff ultimately may have saved him
by ignoring his orders.
The report cites at least seven different individuals
close to the president who declined
to do what he asked regarding the investigation.
MAN 2: The president telling White House counsel Don McGahn
to fire Mueller.
McGahn refused, telling then chief of staff Reince Priebus
that the president asked him to do crazy "S."
Wow. The president asked him to do "crazy 'S.'"
We all know what that means.
(laughter)
Crazy sex.
-(laughter) -Yeah. It's whips, chains, magic spells.
You know, the kind of stuff you read
in Fifty Shades of Gryffindor. Yeah?
Like "crazy 'S." We all... that's the thing I...
S-Sorry, what?
Oh, it's not...
Oh. Crazy shit. Oh.
Oh, yeah, that makes... Sorry, I didn't...
I didn't count the little stars. Oh, yes, he asked him to do
crazy shit, not crazy sex.
But that's right, Trump was constantly telling his aides
to do obstruction-y things, and they just ignored him.
So that was basically obstruction
of obstruction of justice.
And, you know, in a way, in a way...
this is almost comforting.
Because you realize that yes, Trump is corrupt enough
to want to abuse his powers,
but he's also too lazy to follow through.
-(laughter) -That's a nice thing to know.
In fact, wouldn't it be great if other bad people in history
were also this lazy, you know?
Like, if the Nazis were like, "We found Anne Frank's addict!
"Ugh. Attic stairs. Aw, forget about it.
Aw!"
(speaking German)
And even though Barr's summary painted Trump as being innocent,
you can tell from the Mueller report
that Trump knew he was doing something wrong.
NEWSMAN: The report mentions this Oval Office exchange
between Trump and McGahn. Quote...
Now, come on, that's how you know
some shady shit was going on in the White House.
When Trump is yelling at his lawyers for taking notes
about the things he says?
You don't get mad when you're doing something good
and someone takes notes, right?
It's never like, "Okay, so I've decided
"we'll donate all my money to the orphanage.
"Hey! Don't write that shit down.
"Someone might find out and I'll get the credit.
Philanthropy is its own reward."
And by the way, I like that Trump thinks that his lawyers
are the best lawyers.
Really? I mean, look at these guys.
-Look at them. They... -(laughter)
There are more normal looking people
on the Mortal Kombat selection screen
-(laughter) -than on Trump's legal team.
(applause)
Although, although...
although, to be fair, Trump isn't in prison yet,
so maybe this group of vampires and steamship captains
knows what it's doing. I mean, you don't know.
And remember, remember, all of this craziness
is just the stuff we can see in the report.
Right? 'Cause there are still tons of redactions.
This document was covered in so much ink,
it looked like Adam Levine's torso.
Even, like, one of the pages had nipples, right?
-But this Gummi Bear lawyer... -(laughter)
this Gummi Bear lawyer over here conveniently left out
all the details that make Trump look...
(like Trump): not good.
And you might be... you might be saying like,
"Oh, yeah, it was a summary, Trevor.
Of course he's gonna leave out some stuff."
But right before he released the report, don't forget,
Barr gave a press conference where he said
Trump was fully cooperative with the Mueller probe.
And once again, the Mueller report
tells a very different story.
NEWSMAN: The president refused to sit for an interview
with the Special Counsel.
President Trump responded to written questions
with some version of "I do not recall"
or "I do not remember" 37 times.
Trump said "I don't remember"
37 times?
Come on. I don't believe Trump's memory is that bad.
The only way I'll believe it is if all 37 questions were:
"When is your anniversary?" Then maybe.
And it's also funny that Trump can't remember
what happened a year ago, but when Christine Blasey Ford
couldn't remember every detail from 30 years ago,
he judged her like this.
How did you get home? "I don't remember."
How'd you get there? "I don't remember."
Where is the place? "I don't remember."
How many years ago was it? "I don't know. I don't know."
What neighborhood was it in? "I don't know."
Where's the house? "I don't know."
-(crowd jeering) -Upstairs, downstairs, where was it?
"I don't know. But I had one beer.
That's the only thing I remember."
See? This just proves my theory.
Everything Trump says about women
is actually true about himself.
Yeah. He's always making things up.
He's overly emotional.
And most of all, he's the one with the great boobs.