They're called Ragdolls because, like... I don't know you, ma'am,
but if you came to my house, you could scoop that cat up,
they wouldn't get nervous. "Who's this crazy lady?"
They wouldn't... Anybody could just pick one of those cats up
and put it on their shoulder, and they'd just go limp. [purrs]
'Cause I have a seven-year-old daughter.
My daughter just scoops that cat up like a sandbag in a CrossFit class,
and she's barely got this fucking cat,
and they just limp. [purrs]
Purring away.
So happy to be touched.
They have almost no instincts. Almost.
Almost!
'Cause those little fuckers will sit in front of the window.
And they see a squirrel across the street,
their eyes lock on that squirrel,
and they start making these involuntary mouth noises like...
-[Joe sputtering] -[laughter]
[repeats it]
You ever see your cat do that? It's so fucking creepy!
They don't even know you're there.
You can get right next to them, like, "What the fuck are you doing, man?"
They don't even look at you. [sputters]
I've had that cat since it was a baby.
It's never been outside.
Three-year-old cat, never been outside.
And he sees those squirrels across the street and he's like...
"I remember.
-[laughter] -[Joe imitates a soft growl]
I remember the old way."
[growls]
How the fuck does that DNA get into that cat?
He's not looking at that squirrel like,
"That's my little friend across the street. I'd like to meet him!"
No, it's like, "Ah! Your neck is right there."
[laughter and applause]
That's crazy.
That's some crazy, murderous DNA.
That's like if you had a science experiment
where you had a man in captivity, and you never showed him a woman ever,
until he was full grown,
and then you show him a naked one through prison glass.
And as soon as he sees her, he goes, "Time to fuck!
Time... time to fucking fuck!"
[laughter and applause]
Dudes come over with clipboards. "How do you know?
How do you know what to do?" "I know what I know, bro!
I know when it's fuck time! It's fuckety fuckin'!"
That's what it's like for that cat.
How the fuck does that cat know what to do?
[uncontrollable laughter]
Explain that to me, science.
Cats kill everything they can.
Dogs will keep it together.
If you've a good dog, a good dog will keep it together.
Like, you could could have a pet dog and a pet hamster,
and that pet hamster, if you got a good dog,
that pet hamster could live a long life.
[laughter]
But you got a pet cat and a pet hamster,
that hamster's got an hour to live.
[laughter]
And that's just 'cause your cat's going to torture it for 59 minutes.
That poor little fucker's like, "I think he's done!
Finally it's gonna let me get away and I'm just gonna be free!"
And the cat's like, "Not today, motherfucker.
Not today. You just stick the fuck down."
It's what they do.
You can't feed 'em apples. It's what they do.
Dogs care.
You can put a hamster on the floor in a room with a good dog.
A good dog will look at you, look at the hamster.
Look at you, look at the hamster.
He'd be like, "Um...
-can I fuck him up?" -[laughter]
"No! That's Mr. Fluffers!
Mr. Fluffers is the newest member of our family!"
The dog just starts calculating, like, "Okay, okay.
[hysterical laughter]
Okay, okay. I like free food.
These people are nice to me. Okay. [sniffs]
[laughter]
That's a fucking rat, dude. That's a rat!
Okay. Okay.
Okay, family. Yeah. Family, family!"
You can tell, though, when that dog's not totally on board,
they just get a little too close to that hamster like,
"Ooh! I was gonna fuck you up."
[laughter]
[a few claps]
But a cat, you don't have a chance.
Cats, they will make Exorcist noises.
You can try to hold your cat in a room with a hamster, your cat starts going...
-[Joe caterwauling] -[laughter]
He's letting you know, "Bitch,
I'm about to claw your fucking eyes out! You'll never see your kids again!"
They don't care how long you been feeding them.
They don't care about your history of free massages.
"There's a rat on the floor! If you let me go, I can kill the rat!"
-[loud meow] -[laughter]
And people keep those things as pets. That's what's so fucked up.
Imagine if your kid did that, a kid that you couldn't have in a room
with something smaller than him, he's like, "Gotta kill, Mommy!
Murder! Kill!"
Like, "Junior, sit down!"
"No! Fuck you!
Death!"
"Well, we just can't have a pet cat, 'cause Junior breaks the cat's neck.
He's crazy. I don't know what to do."
We just accept the fact this fucking cat's a murderer.
Can't feed that thing cranberries, you crazy bitch.
Okay? You're the monster.
Dogs feel bad when they kill things too if you're mad.
Like if your dog kills a hamster and you're like, "How could you!"
[sobs] "How could I?
Shit! Did I do that? [groans]
Damn it!"
"I'm so disappointed in you."
"I'm disappointed in myself!
-[laughter] -[Joe groans]
-I'm sorry!" [sobs] -[laughter]
They walk to you sideways. "I fucked up, dude. Fucking seriously."
But your cat, the cat doesn't feel remotely bad.
Your cat kills something, you're like, "How could you?"
-He's like, "Bitch, you know me." -[laughter]
He'll walk away slow with his tail in the air
so you can see his asshole.
[uproarious laughter, applause]
They don't care. You scream at him. "You're a monster!"
They pull their ears back. Like, "Why you so loud?"
And just lie down right in front of you and lick their own dick.
"How about you just shut the fuck up while I lick my dick?"
-[cheers and applause] -[whistles blowing]
They don't care.
They don't care about you.
Cats know when you're high too.
They seem to know, you're vulnerable.
Dogs don't have a clue.
You come home high, your dog's like, "You're extra friendly today!"
[laughter]
If I'm watching Black Mirror at 1:00 in the morning,
my cat will, like, sit down next to me and be like...
-"You know you're going to die, right?" -[laughter]
[hysterical laughter, cheers and applause]
Creepy little fuckers.