-It's good to be here on a -- on a happy day.
-Yeah. The news -- The news felt different last night.
-I -- I -- I slept. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -It was so weird.
And all people had to do was vote.
-Yeah. -'Cause this whole time,
we've been like, "How does this end?"
And then people just voted.
We're like, "Oh, then these people all just go away."
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Like, if everyone votes, it all goes away.
-[ Laughing ] It's really nice.
-'Cause I was hoping on the pee tape.
That was my thing. I was like, is this pee tape --
You know, there's a rumor. We don't know if it's real.
-Yeah. -"There's a pee tape.
Someone's getting peed on or peeing on,
and we don't know what it is."
Probably doesn't exist, but we want it to.
-Right. -'Cause then it goes away.
No one loses their job. -Yeah.
-No one loses their healthcare. Just a little pee-pee.
-Yeah. -Just a little pee-pee.
-But if there is one and Trump goes away,
who becomes the president? -Yeah, Pence.
-That's right. So we need another tape.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
See, I think the problem is --
I think you're in trouble after the first one.
'Cause I think -- I don't think there's a tape on Mike Pence.
-[ Laughs ] -You know?
I think the worst tape is, like, probably just him
sitting in an empty room, staring at a brick wall.
[ Laughter ]
-He thinks he's so sexy,
he can't be alone in a room with a woman.
-Yeah, exactly.
-And I always wondered, "Does he think he's gonna attack her
or she's gonna attack him?"
-Yeah. Also, it's at a restaurant,
so there would be waiters there to stop it.
-Yeah. -Yeah, he won't even go
to a restaurant with staff. -Really?
-Yeah, I don't think he'll have meals with women.
I don't know. -I think what we need
is a tape that's a Russian hooker
peeing on, like, 40 Republicans so we finally get Bernie Sanders
to be the president of the United States of America.
[ Cheers and applause ] -I could see that.
-It's gonna take some work. -It's gonna take some work
and a lot of water. -Yeah.
-And what is your take?
Obviously, you work in this industry.
-Yes. -Because it's been very easy
to criticize what's happening in D.C.
-Hollywood. -Yes.
-Even New York show business under the microscope right now
for some terrible behavior. -That's right.
-What is your take on the sexual harassment?
-You know, I don't know.
'Cause my instinct is always to say the thing
they say, "Don't say," which, you know, it concerns me,
you know, as a father of two daughters.
It concerns me.
But you shouldn't have to have daughters
to get that it's disgusting. -Yeah.
-Right? You should be able to say,
"As the owner of a bird, I'm disgusted."
[ Laughter ] -Yeah, right, yeah.
-Like, everybody should be disgusted.
-Yeah. -It's horrible!
It's like women always knew men were disgusting.
And now men are going, "I guess we are disgusting."
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
-Like, we didn't know how terrible that we were.
And it's so easy to not be a sexual harasser.
You just literally do nothing. -Yeah.
-You do nothing, and you're like, "He's a great guy."
And you did, like, absolutely nothing.
-What about -- The one that was
so hard for me because it was somebody
I had a great amount of respect for, Senator Al Franken.
-Yeah. -But that photo
was a very difficult photo to look at.
He took that picture. -Yeah.
-I understand, you know, his defense of it was a joke.
But it certainly was a very hard thing to look at.
What is your take on photos like that?
-Well, it's concerning, because I was like,
"What photos have I taken in my life?"
You know? -Yeah.
-Do you ever think that? Do you do the Rolodex,
and you just go like, "What have I done?"
And so I went through all my photos.
I went through 35,000 photos, honestly, and scrolled to see,
like, "What do I have on the Cloud
that someone will find one day that will end me?"
-And how many of the 35,000 were career-enders?
-There were literally hundreds of me pretending to blow guys.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-But we were all laughing. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-And I think it's okay.
But, yeah, I think we're all learning.
-Yeah. -We're all learning that men
do not get it at all how awful they are.
Like all this masturbating --
Who knew that masturbation was so popular
that everyone, like, has to masturbate in front of people.
I always thought that the best part of masturbation
was that you were alone... -Yeah.
-...and no one was judging you, right?
-Yeah. -Isn't that why we like it?
That no one is there to go, "What's the matter with you?"
-I agree. [ Laughter ]
I fully agree. -And you need someone there.
It's also, like, an enormous lack of imagination.
-Yeah, that's the whole point.
Well, I feel like, in general, we all have worse imaginations
than we did 30 years ago.
-Well, we have none. -Yeah.
-People doing it on the phone, like, doing it on the phone
while the other person doesn't know that you're doing it.
Let me just say this -- if you hear me making
a weird noise on the phone, I'm not masturbating.
But 50/50, I'm pooping. -Oh, okay.
-50/50. [ Laughter ]
-That's time management. -That's fine.
-That's time management. -Yeah, and that's decent.
-You're hard to get on the phone.
-Yeah exactly.
-That's two birds with one stone.
-And that's something everyone does.
There's even a book about it, I'm pretty sure.
-There is? -Yeah.
I want to talk about your special.
Well, you come back to stand-up. -Yes.
-It's been years you've been away from it.
When you were first starting out,
you were doing it with a lot of people
who became very successful at it.
This is a photo of you and Jim Carrey back in the day.
This is one of the photos that's not a career-ender.
That is a terrifying Jim Carrey. [ Laughter ]
-This is why I stopped doing stand-up comedy as a young man.
Because I clearly didn't have the energy
and focus that Jim had. -Yeah.
-Like, look at the photo -- this is him between shows.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
-This is his everyday energy.
Look at me -- I'm hugging the pillow, just terrified.
-You used it between shows to sleep.
-Exactly, yeah.
-You've obviously been a long lover of stand-up
and a long supporter of people who are starting out
and younger comedians.
Pete Holmes, his show, "Crashing,"
he's been doing it a long time now,
but this is a show about when he was first starting out.
-Yes, it's based on his life a little bit, fictionalized,
and it's on HBO.
We have our second season coming back January 14th.
And it's about this religious man
who wants to be a comedian
in the dirty cesspool that is New York.
-We have a clip from season two, right?
-This is a clip.
He just talked to Penn Jillette
who convinced him that maybe God doesn't exist.
And he's very confused,
and then he bumps into Doug Benson afterwards.
-All right, let's take a look.
-How could everything be nothing?
-Because we aren't -- -It's everything.
-But do you know?
-About everything?
-What if it was Zeus? What if it was this one
and now he's mad, and now you die,
and chances are --
-Who's Zeus? -That's my point -- Who's God?
Who is God? Do you know?
-Zeus?
-What if you've been praying to Jesus, and it was Zeus?
-Jezeus.
[ Laughter ]
-Judd Apatow, everybody!