Sam, I'm so glad that we are doing this.
How glad are you?
I hate rum.
Here we go.
Two truths and a lie.
These are about me.
About you, OK.
The one and only time I tried to play football competitively,
I snapped my arm in half.
[LAUGHTER] I once let out a long, nervous fart
when I kissed my crush in high school.
My swimming coach once called me out for peeing in the pool.
These are all really good.
Which one's the lie?
I'm going to say it's peeing in the pool.
Something in the way he moves.
So you get to pour mine?
Oh yeah.
Let's give you a nice taste.
How's that?
OK.
[LAUGHTER]
I knew this was going to happen, because I don't have good--
You should not be allowed to play this game.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
Oh yeah, it's real fine.
Who's driving you home today, Sam?
Uber.
All right, I have a question for you.
Have you ever stolen anything?
And if so, what was the biggest thing that you stole,
or most embarrassing?
I borrowed my dad's credit card one time
to buy a wizard book on Amazon.
[LAUGHTER]
Wait, like a novel?
Or how to be a wizard?
How to be a wizard?
Sam!
Oh, Sam.
You are a wizard.
I learned.
You're a beautiful wizard.
OK.
These are two truths and a lie about me.
I have beauty marks in the shape of the Big Dipper on my chest.
I've read The Lord of the Rings seven
times, all three, the trilogy.
And Tyler Oakley checked me out in an elevator once.
Sam's brain's not working.
I'm on a nerdy show with you, so I'm
trying to see how you would nerd.
Tolkien, as well?
You are-- yes, you are.
Are you that big of a-- Big Dipper, the Big Dipper.
That's the lie.
Wrong, it was the Tolkien.
You can't see it anymore, but it starts here on my neck,
and it goes down to my chest and then there's like a little box.
And it's like the Big Dipper.
All right, Sam, you got it got wrong.
So I'm just going to pour you a little one.
Oh, thank god.
A little guy.
Cute, a little guy.
OK.
Good boy.
All right, I have a question for you.
Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about someone
that you know?
And I want details.
You know what they are, I can see it in your face.
I want explicit details.
If it means more details, you don't have to tell me the name.
In junior high, there was this girl.
We'll call her Chelsea.
Chelsea, yeah.
What color hair?
Brown.
And I had the fantasy-- we were in ASB together,
which was the student government thing.
And she was going to call me out of class one
day to go help her with an ASB thing,
but really she just wanted to make out.
Oh, Sam.
Did you get any hand action, or was it just make out?
Just make out.
That's the extent?
I'm a boring-- you want like--
That's the most extensive sexual fantasy
you've ever had about someone?
Dig deeper.
I can think of three teachers that had me bend them
over their desks in my brain.
Oh, I took AP Lang in high school
and I wanted to play with the teacher's boobs.
[LAUGHTER] I didn't have sexual fantasies about teachers.
What was the teacher's name?
I can't say that.
No, I can't say that.
Mrs. Johnson.
That's not her name.
No, that's not her name.
That's not even a real name.
Johnson is the least real name ever.
Headlines.
OK.
Five-foot-long hairball found inside teen girl.
Oh my god!
Nine brains found next to train tracks in New York.
What?
Human brains?
Uh huh.
Or, here's a good one.
Serial poop smearer caught brown-handed in strip mall.
I mean, it's the hairball.
I'm wrong?
You're wrong.
All right.
Serial poop smearer.
That feels so real though.
No, no.
I was like, I'm pretty sure that's one that I passed up.
The headline was, "Serial Poop Smearer on the Loose."
But I guess they caught him.
Is that good?
I feel like this is good payback for what I gave you.
Cheers.
All right, questions.
Have you masturbated at work?
No, but I did masturbate at Hebrew school.
Have you ever looked at porn at work?
Not at this job.
OK.
Isn't this your only job that you've ever had?
No, no, I was a lifeguard.
[LAUGHTER]
Did you do it in the chair?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
In the office.
I'm drowning, I'm drowning!
Hold on.
[HEAVY BREATHING] OK, OK.
OK.
All right.
Kim and Kanye's meticulously designed family
to incorporate new boy.
Omaha man said he'd join ISIS because Humane Society took
his cat.
Three dead in a house fire caused
by Tinkerbell night light.
The last one.
You're fucking right.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Does that mean you get one or not?
That means I get one.
Yes!
Good day for Sam.
I shouldn't have said they were dead.
That was how you knew.
There we go.
That Kim and Kanye one is like one of my favorite things
that I've read in a long time.
OK, questions.
What is something you'd be too embarrassed
to tell your parents?
I mean, I'd never want to tell them
that I pooped myself in public.
But I don't know if that's like the best
answer I can come up with.
I feel like I can do better.
I feel like there's a lot of things
I'd never tell my parents.
Why-- [LAUGHTER] You pooped yourself?
Yeah, I sharted.
I've sharted.
Oh, you sharted.
Yeah, twice.
You didn't like--
Oh no, I didn't like take a full dump,
like a full load in my pants, Sam.
I didn't meticulously plan my pants pooping.
No, it was something that happened.
That's a good one.
I would not tell them that I've had sex on a stranger's yacht.
I wouldn't tell them--
For me, can you say it to the camera
like your parents are here?
They're your parents.
OK.
Mom and Dad, I have had sex on a stranger's yacht.
I once received oral stimulation in a graveyard.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, and these are ones about you.
About me, OK.
Here, hold my hand.
OK.
You give me anxiety when you yell.
I've contemplated stealing your wooden tie.
I have stolen some of your food when I was too lazy to go out.
I mean, it's the third one.
It's the first one.
No, it doesn't give me anxiety when you yell.
I have stolen peanut butter off your desk
when you were not here.
You [BLEEP].
You leave a full jar, what am I supposed to do?
Yeah, it's dark-roasted peanut butter, so I'd have it here.
It was good.
I eat a lot of peanut-- that's more than a gentleman's-- OK,
here we go.
I have to drive at some point.
What is the kinkiest thing you've done/fantasized about?
Come on.
I told this girl to stick her cell phone between her legs.
And then I texted her what I wanted to do to her one word
at a time.
This was while I was in line to pick my sister up
from middle school, when I was in the carpool lane.
It's the last step.
Last step.
I would rather have you as my pet than as my friend.
I want to see what you would look like in girl clothes.
Which, after all the sex stuff that we've
talked about in this episode, is way creepier
than I intended it to be.
I'm so jealous of your fashion sense.
And I think that you could [BLEEP] rock girl clothes.
Thanks.
Out of everyone in the office, I think
that you are the most likely to go on a killing spree.
I'm really hoping that last one's the lie.
Is that your answer?
Wait.
Read the first one back to me.
Hold on.
Sam, I would rather have you as my pet than as my friend.
OK.
And last one was?
Out of everyone in the office, I think
you are most likely to go on a killing spree.
And I think Steve would be first.
The last one?
That's the--
No, it's the first one.
You think I'll go on a killing spree?
I don't think anyone would go on a killing spree.
But if I think anyone was going to go on a killing spree,
you'd be first.
Why?
So I got to do this.
Yeah, you got to do that first.
And then I'm going to ask you a question.
Since I lost so many rounds, I have
a lot of questions to choose from, Sam.
And I'm very excited about them.
If you switched bodies with a girl that you liked,
would you let him/her have sex with you in your girl-body?
So, I pick a person, switch bodies with them?
Yeah, your current crush.
Your current crush, you switch bodies
through magic, Freaky-Friday style.
She's now in your Sam Basher body,
and you're in her girl-body.
And she says, I'm now in a boy-body,
I want to [BLEEP] you to feel what
it's like to be a boy [BLEEP] a girl.
Would you let him/her have sex with you, girl?
[LAUGHTER]
I don't know.
I've never thought about that.
That's a weird thing to think about.
It's not yourself.
It's just your body.
That makes it better.
I guess because I'm borrowing their body,
I would feel like-- I'm not excited about that idea.
You're not excited about it, but she still
is your crush, even though she's in your boy-body.
Yeah, but I wanted to have sex with a girl-body.
You are having sex with a girl-body.
You're just in the girl-body while it's happening.
Sure.
If I'm borrowing her body, go for it.
Just go for it.
Go for it.
It'd be cool to have multiple orgasms.
Isn't that cool?
That is cool.
But to have you be giving you--
I don't want to look at myself.
That's the weird part.
I would be like, I'd close my eyes
and pretend I was somewhere else.
Who would you imagine is [BLEEP] you?
If I was a woman, what man would I like to [BLEEP] me?
I haven't thought about that.
Sam, I'm real glad we learned a lot about each other.
We both shared too much.
We drank a lot of rum.
I once told my grandmother I didn't love her because she
made food I didn't like.
[LAUGHTER]
You don't secretly hate it when I chew my food like that.
I don't secretly hate it when you chew your food like that.