Thank you! I am Samantha Bee, welcome to Full Frontal!
Listen, can we set politics aside for a second and appreciate that history was
made last week?
I accept your nomination for President of the United States!
we have waited our whole lives to hear a woman say those words and then
immediately get criticized for the voice she said them in.
Gosh, you boys sure hate your mothers, don't you?
Lucky for Democrats theire big shindig followed the four-day blooper reel that
was the Republican convention, a poorly attended rage-athon, featuring a parade of
hemorrhoidal has-beens trying to literally scare up votes by making America shit
its pants.
(NEWT) Every American should be terrified.
I half expected to close my mirror at the Cleveland Holiday Inn and see Newt
Gingrich with a knife.
TerrorCon '16 set the bar so low for the Democrats, we
couldn't wait to see how they'd trip over it
After all, this is the party that brought us the 2004 classic: Fucked Up Balloon Drop.
What a catastrophe. The balloons were a mess too. So okay
Democrats, go on now, your turn to embarrass the nation.
That is the story of this country,
the story of generations of people who felt the lash of bondage, the shame of
servitude, the sting of segregation, but who kept on striving and hoping and
doing what needed to be done,
so that today, I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves and
I watch
my daughters, two beautiful, intelligent black young women playing with their
dogs on the White House lawn
I'm not crying, I've just got tears coming out of my wherever
And sure, America's racists lost their shit, forcing multiple new sites to fact check
the idea that slavery happened --
it did. And when this election is over we need to have a serious talk about
education in this country.
While the super-delegates scrambled to switch
their votes to Michelle Obama, the DNC proceeded to put on USA lovefest
that left us feeling like we just got a national blowjob from the American
flag
Don't let anyone ever tell you that this country isn't great.
Our best days are ahead of us!
Americans have never, ever ever, ever let their country down
Never! Never!
All pledging allegiance under the same proud flag
The greatest country on this planet.
America!
We
will
rise!
God bless America
America!
I'm not crying, I just have America in my eye
The convention was an unexpected triumph of positive messaging and flawless
showmanship
Turns out the Democrats had this in them all along, and all it took for them to
get their shit together was the looming certainty of Armageddon. Bastards!
The party of
dreamers and immigrants wanted everyone to know they welcomed refugees. In
particular, refugees from the Republican Party. Some of whom are feeling as homeless right now
as the working poor they've been shafting for decades
What we heard in Cleveland last week wasn't particularly Republican.
See my grandparents, they came from the heartland.
Small town folk.
Some were Democrats, but a lot of them, maybe even most of them, were Republicans.
Party of Lincoln.
That's what happens when you're the kind of citizen Teddy Roosevelt once described.
Ronald Reagan called America a shining city on a hill.
Come on Republicans, who are you going to listen
to? Agent Orange or Black Reagan?
The entire week was an implicit middle finger to Trump's dystopian view of
America mixed in with some first-class trolling of a certain law and order cop
humper
I served as an NYPD officer.
I spent 27 years on the Orlando Police Force.
When I was Philadelphia Police Commissioner --
As a police officer --
Police officers are good people doing a good job.
An attack on a police officer anywhere is an attack on our entire society.
Dad, as all of you now know, liked Police Academy
My mom and I loved Pride and Prejudice
Damn, Chelsea just plagiarized both the Republican Convention's themes!
but in 4 days of powerful refutes to Trumpism, the most devastating came
from the father of Captain Humayan Khan, who sacrificed his life while
saving his fellow soldiers in Iraq.
You have sacrificed nothing.
Donald Trump
you're asking Americans to trust you with their future
Let me ask you, have you even read the United States Constitution?
(cheering)
I will gladly lend you my copy
He means it, he even picked out a copy of the Constitution small enough
for Trump to fit in his hands.
Now, naturally America's burst appendix couldn't let that one slide
If you look at his wife, she was standing there, she had nothing to say, she
probably maybe she wasn't allowed to have anything to say, you tell me.
She was too choked up from seeing her son's picture
Yhy are you allowed to have anything to say? Now, unlike the brief militaristic scowling
displayed on stage at the end of the Republican Convention, this one ended
with a joyful, affectionate celebration,
particularly for Bill Clinton who timed it perfectly so the shrooms were just kicking in
Balloons, far out! So there she is, the official nominee ready to face her greatest
challenger: herself.
The truth is, through all these years of public service, the service part has
always come easier to me than the public part.
Well fortunately the job of president doesn't have any public part so you'll
be fine. Can we get an Obama out here to do the rousing oratory? Sasha? Beau? Any of
them?
There has never been a man or a woman,
not me, not Bill, nobody more qualified than Hillary Clinton to serve as
President of the United States of America.
(applause)
(IMITATING BILL CLINTON) He's right, I wasn't ready!
The president's endorsement was echoed by the Vice President, the former
President, the TV President, senators governors, athletes, preachers, the working
poor, the self-made billionaire Republicans, and oh, just for good measure,
half the fucking Pentagon standing on stage saying vote for Hillary if you
want to live
That, that is how good you have to be if you're a woman running for President and
she still might lose to this the least qualified candidate ever to lurch into
the public spotlight and shit on goldstar moms while cradling Putin's
sweaty sack.
Let's hope Hillary doesn't get lipstick on her teeth between now and November or
it's all over.
We'll be right back