>> JAMES: GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO
"THE LATE LATE SHOW."
HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT DAY.
THANKS FOR STAYING UP WITH US.
WE REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AND SEE WHO'S ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.
SHE'S A TALENTED ACTRESS YOU KNOW AND LOVE FROM MOVIES LIKE
"13 GOING ON 30," "LOVE SIMON," "JUNO," AND SO MUCH MORE.
THE ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTFUL JENNIFER GARNER!
HOW ARE YOU?
>> GREAT, THANK YOU.
HELLO.
>> James: YEAH, I LOVE THIS LOOK TODAY.
>> YOU LIKE IT?
>> James: WHAT ARE WE DOING?
YEAH, IT'S, LIKE, PANTSUIT CHIC.
>> James: IT'S GET OUT OF THE WAY BECAUSE I MEAN BUSINESS,
BABY!
>> YEAH, I MEAN BUSINESS!
>> James: THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS TO ME.
I LOVE IT.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
WE LOVE YOU.
JENNIFER GARNER, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERING ) HE'S AN AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM "AS GOOD AS IT GETS," "LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE," AND
"YOU'VE GOT MAIL," THE HANDSOME THE WONDERFUL, GREG KINNEAR!
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> James: VERY WELL.
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.
I DO IT EVERY TIME I SEE YOU AND WILL PROBABLY END UP DOING IT IN
THE CHAT.
WHEN I SEE GREG GREG ALL I DO IS TALK TO HIM ABOUT AS GOOD AS IT
GETS.
>> YEAH.
>> James: WHICH I CONSIDER TO BE THE GREATEST FILM OF ALL TIME
AND THEY SAY IT SO MUCH I CAN SEE GREG'S EYES BEING, LIKE,
I'VE GOT OTHER FILMS.
>> NO, NO, COMPLIMENTING SOMEONE ONLY RESULTS?
THANK YOUS FOR ME.
SO THANK YOU.
>> James: I FEEL LIKE I GO TOO FAR.
>> NO, NO, FINE.
>> James: GREG KINNEAR, EVERYBODY!
WE LOVE YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THEY ARE A TREMENDOUS
PLATINUM-SELLING BAND WHOSE NEW SINGLE "COMPLETE MESS" IS
AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW.
WE LOVE IT EVERY TIME THEY STOP BY, THE DREAMY
THE GLORIOUS 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOW ARE WE DOING, FELLAS?
>> G'DAY, HOW ARE YOU?
>> James: VERY, VERY WELL.
HOW ARE WE?
WE ARE THRILLED TO BE BACK IN YOUR ORBIT.
>> WE ARE THRILLED TO BE IN YOUR ORBIT.
>> James: WE ENJOY IT EVERY TIME.
I WISH THERE WERE TEN SECONDS OF SUMMER.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST TIME I SAW CALUM, AND YOU
WERE IN A BRITISH PUB.
DO YOU REMEMBER?
>> YEAH, JAMES, THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME A MICROPHONE, SO, YES, WE DID
SEE EACH OTHER AND WE SPOKE ABOUT THE ROLLING STONES FOR 45
MINUTES.
>> James: WE DID.
AND I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE.
WE SAT DOWN.
YOU WERE HAVING A GREAT MEAL.
I WAS SCOUTING OUT A LOCATION FOR "THE LATE LATE SHOW" HOLIDAY
PARTY.
WE HAD THE PARTY THERE AND IT GOT MESSY.
>> NO INVITE FOR US?
THAT'S ALL RIGHT FOR ME.
LIKE, I'M FINE.
>> James: YOU WEREN'T THERE, LUKE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.
>> WELL, THINGS HAPPEN.
>> James: THIS HAS REALLY TAKEN A TURN.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY THE OTHER GUYS ARE SO MAD.
IT WAS LOVELY TO SEE YOU, DUDE.
>> James: AND YOU'RE STILL ON FOR THURSDAY, YEAH?
>> I'M ALWAYS ON FOR THURSDAY.
>> James: CALUM, YOU GOOD FOR THURSDAY?
>> YEAH, THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME A MIC, EITHER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> James: WHAT?
WHAT'S HAPPENING MICWISE AT THIS SHOW?
ARE THERE CUTBACKS?
WHAT'S GOING ON, NICK?
WHAT'S GOING ON, WHY ARE WE SO LOW ON MICS?
WHERE'S SUSAN?
SUSAN!
( LAUGHTER ) WHERE IS SUSAN?
SUSAN'S HERE.
SUSAN!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I CAN ONLY HEAR TWO SECONDS OF SUMMER.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> BUDGET CUTS.
I DON'T KNOW.
>> James: IS THAT TRUE, NICK?
IS IT BUDGET CUTS?
>> N -- NO.
>> James: WE LOVE YOU.
5 SECONDS OF SUMMER, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS THIS TRUE?
>> NO.
NO.
>> James: LOOK AT YOU, YOU ARE A DIFFERENT MAN TONIGHT.
YOU ARE A DIFFERENT MAN.
EVERY NIGHT, YOU KNOW, NICK'S OUR BOSS AND IF YOU WATCH THE
SHOW YOU KNOW WHICH TREAT HIM WITH NOTHING BUT RESPECT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TONIGHT, IF YOU'RE NOITSING
A DIFFERENT -- I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE NOT WEARING THE
BAR MITZVAH SUIT YOU WORE FOR THE OTHER SHOW.
NICK'S BOSS, THE BIG CHEESE SAT RIGHT BEHIND HIM.
GEORGE, THERE, LOOK, THAT'S GEORGE.
DO YOU KNOW WHY GEORGE IS HERER?
BECAUSE HE THINKS IT'S GOT OUT OF HAND.
>> I AGREE.
I AGREE.
>> James: HE BELIEVES -- I THINK WE'RE ALL RIGHT TO TALK
ABOUT THIS, GEORGE, RIGHT?
HE BELIEVES THERE OUGHT TO PROBABLY BE JUST A
VICE PRESIDENT OF LATE NIGHT, PERIOD, NO SENIOR, NO JUNIOR, NO
WEST COAST, NO EAST COAST.
IS THIS RIGHT, GEORGE?
>> RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> James: IT WILL BE INTERESTING TO GO TO NICK EVERY
NOW AND THEN THROUGHOUT THE SHOW AND SEE HOW HE'S BURNING UP.
>> I'VE ALREADY SWEAT THROUGH MY SHIRT.
I'M WEARING A JACKET.
>> James: I EVEN SAW YOU IN THE GREEN ROOM, WHICH I'D NEVER
SEEN.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, GEORGE.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU WERE IN THE GREEN ROOM AND NICK'S LIKE, HEY,
NEVER SAW HIM THERE BEFORE.
SITS IN HIS OFFICE WATCHING CONAN AND JOHN OLIVER.
( LAUGHTER ) SWANS OUT HERE, GETS HIS MAKEUP
DONE, AND THEN SITS HERE.
NEVER SEEN YOU IN THAT GREEN ROOM NOT ONCE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YES.
>> James: HOW YOU DOING, SCOTTY?
GOOD?
THANK GOD YOU'RE WEARING BLACK.
WE WOULD HAVE NEVER NOTICED YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU WANT TO COME THROUGH WITH
ANY MORE PIZAZZ?
I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T COME OUT WITH A SHOW GIRL AND
FEATHERS.
THAT WAS A FULL SWOOSH OF THE UMBRELLA.
WHAT HAPPENED?
IS IT BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE A CAMERA ON, NICK?
IS THAT IT, BUDGET CUTS?
THAT'S THE LAST THING HE WOULD EVER CUT FROM THE BUDGET, HIS
CAMERA.
THE LAST THING EVER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> WHAT'S GOING ON, SCOTTY?
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH THE GROUP?
NO?
DON'T WANT TO JUMP IN THE MONO?
YOU MADE A BIG ENOUGH ENTRANCE.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK, BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,
WE SHOULD SAY HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY,
EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: A WOMAN ON THE BACK
ROW, I SAID THAT AND SHE DID THIS -- SHE WENT --
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
ARE YOU AN INTERNATIONAL WOMAN OR A NATIONAL WOMAN?
>> A NATIONAL WOMAN.
>> James: WELL WE'RE NOT CELEBRATING YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) VERY MUCH INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S
DAY.
IF YOU ARE AMERICAN, WE'RE NOT -- THAT'S NATIONAL WOMEN'S
DAY.
I'M KIDDING.
NO, IT IS.
>> ISN'T THAT WHY YOU STARTED INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY BY
SCREAMING AT SUSAN?
>> James: TO BE CLEAR -- SUSAN, I WASN'T SCREAMING AT
SUSAN, I WAS SCREAMING FOR SUSAN.
( APPLAUSE ) LOOK, WE COULD DO THIS ALL DAY
AND CHAT AMONGST OURSELVES BUT THE WORLD NEEDS AND WANTS
SOMETHING.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE WORLD DEMANDS -- THE NEWS.
EARLIER TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN TOOK THE UNPRECEDENTED MOVE OF
BANNING THE IMPORT OF ALL OIL, COAL, AND NATURAL GAS FROM
RUSSIA.
OF COURSE, THIS MEANS GASOLINE PRICES WILL BE GOING EVEN
HIGHER.
BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE THISIS THE PERFECT EXCUSE TO
PRETEND YOU'RE GOING TO GET BACK ON THE BIKE YOU BOUGHT
MID-PANDEMIC AND RODE TWICE.
I'M SORE TO SAY BUT BECAUSE OF THE INCREASED GAS PRICES, WE HAD
TO CANCEL OUR CARPOOL KARAOKE WHERE ONE
DIRECTION GETS BACK TOGETHER.
THEN, THIS AFTERNOON, TO DON'T BLAME ME -- CUTBACKS.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, THIS AFTERNOON,
MCDONALD'S, COCA-COLA AND STARBUCKS ALL TEMPORARILY
STOPPED SALES IN RUSSIA.
SOME PEOPLE GO FOR THE JUGULAR.
AMERICA?
THEY GO FOR THE MCRIB.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HOW AMAZING WOULD IT BE
IF PUTIN WAS JUST LIKE "OK OK OK FINE! WE GIVE UP!
JUST GIVE US BACK THE MATCHA CREÈME FRAPPUCCINOS, PLEASE!"
MEANWHILE, THE UNITED NATIONS SENT AN EMAIL TO THEIR STAFF
BANNING THEM FROM USING THE WORDS "WAR" AND "INVASION" IN
REGARDS TO UKRAINE.
TO APPEAR IMPARTIAL, U.N. STAFF HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED TO USE THE
TERMS "CONFLICT" OR "MILITARY OFFENSIVE" INSTEAD.
THIS IS GREAT NEWS.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU ASK UKRAINIANS ON THE GROUND WHAT THEY REALLY
NEED FROM THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY RIGHT NOW
IT'S "DELICATE LANGUAGE."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S NOT ALL.
INSTEAD OF REFERRING TO PUTIN AS AN "EVIL DICTATOR," THEY'RE
CALLING HIM "HUMAN RIGHTS CHALLENGED."
( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON.
HAVE YOU HAD THE SENSE LATELY THAT THE ITEMS YOU BUY AT THE
GROCERY STORE ARE SMALLER THAN THEY USED TO BE?
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT - AND THERE'S A NAME FOR THIS,
"SHRINK-FLATION."
DURING TIMES OF INFLATION SOME COMPANIES SHRINK THE SIZE
OF THEIR PRODUCTS INSTEAD OF RAISING PRICES.
I'VE BEEN STEALING COOKIES UNDER THE GUISE OF SHRINKFLATION
FOR YEARS.
MY KIDS THINK THERE'S ONLY ONE COOKIE IN A BAG OF CHIPS
AHOY.
( LAUGHTER ) SHRINK-FLATION.
COMPANIES ARE CUTTING CORNERS IN ALL KINDS OF WAYS. NOW WHEN YOU
GO TO THE OLIVE GARDEN YOU'RE JUST "EXTENDED FAMILY."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS TRUE, GATORADE HAS
EVEN MADE THEIR BOTTLES SMALLER.
WHICH IS REALLY GOING TO TAKE ALL THE FUN OUT OF WINNING A
FOOTBALL GAME.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT
THIS UNUSUAL JOB OPPORTUNITY.
THE STATE OF MONTANA IS NOW LOOKING TO HIRE A QUOTE,
"GRIZZLY BEAR CONFLICT MANAGER."
THE PERSON WOULD PATROL MONTANA WILDERNESS AND ATTEMPT TO REDUCE
FRICTION BETWEEN HUMANS AND GRIZZLIES.
IT'S A PRETTY GREAT OFFER.
EACH YEAR YOU GET TWO WEEKS VACATION, AND EIGHT MONTHS
MEDICAL LEAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, BUT, I SHOULD SAY, THIS IS
EXCITING, WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT MONTANA HAS ACTUALLY FINALLY
HIRED A GRIZZLY BEAR CONFLICT MANAGER.
OH, HANG ON -- NO, THEY NEED A NEW ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE FROM MONTANA.
WOULD YOU BE UP FOR THIS JOB IN HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD DO?
>> I WOULD DO PRETTY GOOD.
>> James: HOW?
WHY?
IN WHAT WAY?
>> Reggie: I MEAN, BECAUSE, BASICALLY, THE MESSAGE WITH
GRIZZLY BEARS IS DON'T ( BLEEP) WITH THEM, YOU KNOW.
AND THAT'S LIKE THE VIBE.
WHEN YOU SEE THE SIGNS OF THEM YOU JUST DON'T ( BLEEP ) WITH
THEM.
THEN WHEN YOU HEAR ABOUT THEM IN THE REGION, YOU DON'T ( BLEEP )
WITH THEM.
YOU JUST DON'T ( BLEEP ) WITH THEM.
THAT'S BASICALLY -- THERE'S NO CONFLICT, JUST DON'T ( BLEEP )
WITH THEM.
>> James: AND THESE ARE ALL TECHNICAL TERMS.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: FINALLY,
THERE'S AN EXCITING MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH WE WANTED TO
TELL YOU ABOUT.
SCIENTISTS HAVE DEVELOPED A CELL THERAPY THAT ACTUALLY REVERSES
THE SIGNS OF AGING THROUGHOUT THE BODY, IN JUST SEVEN MONTHS.
IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES 'TIL YOU SEE YOUR GRANDPA OUT AT THE
CLUB.
( LAUGHTER ) WOULD YOU TRY THIS?
DO YOU WANT THIS?
I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT THIS.
>> I'LL TAKE IT.
>> James: WOULD YOU?
YEAH, HOOK IT UP.
HOOK IT UP RIGHT NOW.
THEY KEEP COMING OUT WITH NEW WAYS TO GET CHEESE INTO PIZZA
EVERY YEAR.
EVERY YEAR THEY FIGURE OUT A NEW WAY TO SNEAK IT IN THERE.
>> James: BUT, I DON'T KNOW -- COME ON!
JET BOOTS IN 50 YEARS?
>> James: NO, YOU WON'T HAVE JET BOOTS.
I PROMISE YOU, YOU WILL NOT HAVE JET BOOTS.
WE WERE PROMISED HOVERBOARDS, WHERE ARE THEY?
>> THEY WILL HAVE JET BOOTS IN 50 YEARS.
>> YOU WON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR HANDS.
THEY'RE BOOTS.
>> James: I'M IN A JET PACK.
BROTHER, I'M TALKING ABOUT BOOTS, DUDE.
>> James: BUT I DON'T KNOW, I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK IT WILL BE
FUN AT ALL.
JET BOOTS WILL NOT BE FUN.
>> THEY'RE ON YOUR FEET, YOU'RE TEXTING --
>> James: WHAT'S HAPPENING IS YOU'RE GOING, COOL, SEE YOU
THERE -- OW!
YOU WILL GO AT THAT ANGLE THE ENTIRE TIME.
YOU WON'T BE GLIDING.
YOU ON JET BOOTS?
>> YEAH.
>> James: I'VE SEEN YOU ON A SCAT BOARD.
HE'S GOING TO BE A NIGHT MAYOR.
>> AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, THEY'LL BE ABLE TO REGENERATE MY
CELLS LIKE THAT!
>> YEAH!
( APPLAUSE ) >> James: IF THIS IS TRUE,
AFTER TESTING IT ON MICE, OVER A FEW MONTHS,
RESEARCHERS FOUND THE MICE RESEMBLED YOUNGER ANIMALS IN
BOTH APPEARANCE AND ABILITY.
HERE'S HOW THE MICE LOOKED BEFORE THE PROCEDURE
AND THIS IS HOW THE MICE LOOKED AFTER.
THAT'S THE NEWS!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF "THE LATE LATE SHOW"!