( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK.
FOLKS, I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK HERE IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER
WHERE I CAN HAVE IN-PERSON GUESTS AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THERE ARE STILL TIMES WHEN
SOMEONE I REALLY WANT TO TALK WITH ISN'T ABLE TO BE HERE IN
NEW YORK, WHICH WAS THE CASE WITH TONIGHT'S GUEST, MELISSA
MCCARTHY.
FORTUNATELY, "THE LATE SHOW" HAS BEEN DEVELOPING A REVOLUTIONARY
NEW TECHNOLOGY THAT ALLOWS ME AND A GUEST TO TRANSPORT
OURSELVES TO THE ASTRAL PLANE SO THAT WE CAN BE IN THE SAME
LOCATION AT THE SAME TIME.
IT WORKS LIKE THIS: A HIGH-INTENSITY RAY OF LIGHT,
TEARS OUR BODIES APART AT THE CELLULAR LEVEL, THEN BEAMS US
INTO A VIRTUAL ENVIRONMENT WHERE WE ARE GRAFTED BACK TOGETHER
ATOM-BY-ATOM.
IT'S PRETTY COOL.
BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO HAVE REALLY GOOD WI-FI.
IT'S STILL IN IT'S TRIAL PHASE, BUT MELISSA HAS AGREED TO TEST
IT OUT WITH ME TONIGHT, SO HERE WE GO: SHE IS A TWO-TIME
EMMY-WINNER AND ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE YOU KNOW FROM "GILMORE
GIRLS," "BRIDESMAIDS," AND "CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?"
HER NEW FILM IS CALLED "THE STARLING."
>> I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD GO UP TO THE LAKE AGAIN WHEN YOU
GET HOME, YOU KNOW, FOR THE FOURTH.
>> SURE.
THAT'S FUN, RIGHT?
YEAH, IT WILL BE JUST LIKE IT WAS, LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.
>> I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
NOY.
BUT THAT IS WHY I'M HERE, ISN'T IT?
I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO GO BACK TO BEING MY GOOD OLD SELF SO WE CAN
GO ON WITH OUR LIVES.
>> IT'S JUST GOING TO TAKE TIME.
YOU THINK TIME WILL MAKE US OKAY?
>> I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
I'M JUST SAYING WE CAN'T STAY HERE LIKE THIS.
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
>> I KNOW, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW I FIT ANYMORE.
>> Stephen: JIM, TRANSFER ME TO MELISSA McCARTHY.
( SPACE SOUNDS ) >> Stephen: GOOD LORD.
WHERE'S MELISSA?
( STRANGE SOUNDS ) ( MELISSA GROANING )
>> THAT WAS ODD.
>> Stephen: BLISSA, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING WITH ME TODAY.
>> THANKS FOR BRINGING ME IN.
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> YOU, TOO.
OH, YES!
>> Stephen: DOWN, DOWN, DOWN.
OH, AAAHHH!
YES!
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
O GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YA.
WELL, MELISSA, LET'S MAKE THIS A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE.
THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S LOVELY.
>> WOW.
>> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.
THAT IS CALMING.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ALWAYS SO LOVELY TO TALK TO, YOU KNOW,
PARTLY BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU AND YOU'RE WONDERFUL, BUT YOU'VE GOT
THE NICE DLAN, YOU'RE FROM THE -- THE NICE DNA, YOU'RE FROM
THE MIDWEST.
>> I GREW UP ON A CORN AND SOYBEAN FARM.
>> Stephen: YOU ALSO SPENT TIME IN CHICAGO.
>> ONCE I HIT HIGH SCHOOL, TO MY DAD'S HORROR, HE WAS, LIKE, I
MOVED YOU OUT TO A REMOTE FARM TO KEEP YOU OUT OF CHICAGO,
BECAUSE HE GREW UP ON THE SOUTH SIDE, AND HE GOES, IT'S A MOTH
TO A FLAME!
BECAUSE I WENT -- I STARTED -- >> WHAT DID HE SAY?
LIKE, MOTH TO A FLAME!
I CAN'T KEEP YOU OUT OF THE CITY!
I SAID WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IN PLAINFIELD?
SO WE WOULD GO DOWNTOWN AND I STARTED DRESSING GOTHIC.
THERE WAS MEDUSA'S, WHICH IS A BAR WE WENT TO EVERY WEEKEND.
>> I WENT THERE.
DID YOU DANCE ON THE SCAFFOLDING?
>> Stephen: NO, BUT I WENT TO GAY DISCO NIGHT AT BERLINS.
EVERYBODY WHO WENT THERE WENT THERE ON THAT NIGHT BECAUSE IT
WAS A FUN NIGHT.
THE GAY PEOPLE HAD TO FIND OUTNIGHT.
>> BERLIN MAY BE MY FAVORITE BAR.
I DON'T REMEMBER HOW IT HAPPENED.
THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A FEW DRINKS INVOLVED, BUT I DO
REMEMBER I WAS ON THIS PEDESTAL DANCING AND TWO DRAG QUEENS TOOK
OFF ONE OF MY LAYERS, I WAS STILL DRESSED, BUT THEY PUT ON
KIND OF A SUNDRESS AND REDRESSED ME.
AD I WAS, LIKE, THIS IS IT.
NOW I'M LIVING.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN THIS WAS HAPPENING?
>> 1/6, 17.
>> Stephen: SO YOU HAD TO HAVE A FAKE I.D.
( LAUGHTER ) WHERE DID YOU GET YOURS?
>> MY SISTER WAS GOING TO GET A FAKE I.D. AND BEING THE LOVING
SISTER I SAID IF YOU DON'T TAKE ME WITH YOU I'LL TELL MOM AND
DAD.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT YOUNGER SISTERS DO IS SNITCH.
WHO WAS THE VENDOR?
>> I'M PRETTY SURE WE WENT TO UOI CIRCLE CAMPUS, WHICH IS IN
CHICAGO, THE ONE IN CHAMPAGNE, AND WE WENT INTO SOME WEIRD LIKE
DORM ROOM AND THIS GUY HAD MADE A HUGE SCALE THING OF AN
ILLINOIS DRIVER'S LICENSE, AND THEN YOU JUST STOOD BEHIND IT.
SO THAT YOUR NAME AND EVERYTHING WAS HUGE, BUT WHEN HE TOOK THE
PICTURE AND SHRUNK IT DOWN, IT LOOKED REALLY GOOD.
IT WAS NOT ILLINOIS, IT WAS OHIO, TO THROW PEOPLE OFF.
>> Stephen: NO WAY A COP IN ILLINOIS WOULD EVER RECOGNIZE AN
OHIO DRIVERS LICENSE.
>> OHIO'S WAS BIGGER OR SMALLER THAN AN AVERAGE DRIVER'S LICENSE
AND THEY DIDN'T MAKE ATE RIGHT SIZE, SO THEY SET UP A WHOLE
RACKET TO COUNTERFEIT THINGS AND NOBODY WAS, WHAT ARE THE OVERALL
DIMENSIONS?
NOBODY BOTHERED.
THE FIRST TIME I WENT TO AN OHIO BAR, THE GUY WAS, LIKE, ARE YOU
KIDDING?
I SAID, YEAH, IT'S NOT REALLY MY SIZE.
HE SAID WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?
I SAID, I'M NOT INTO SIGNS.
AND HE SAID GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS.
I SAID, CAN I HAVE THE CARD BACK?
HE SAID NO.
I WENT OUT THE ALLEY AND CRAWLED OVER THE FENCE TO THE BEER
GARDEN.
>> Stephen: YOU HAD A GOTH FACE?
>> YEAH, FROM 16 OR 17 TO 19.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU SEEM SO CLEARLY FOR SOMEONE WHO HAD A
GOTH PHASE.
>> IF I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT I WOULD LOOK VERY MENACING.
I LOOKED LIKE I WAS GOING TO MURDER SOMEBODY AND THE SECOND
THIS STARTED WORKING, I LOST ALL CREDIBILITY.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND.
BACK WITH MORE MELISSA MCCARTHY.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )