Have you created a book, video game, movie, or youtube channel? Have you spend hours meticulously
creating an exciting story in hopes to sell it others? Did you believe that the hard part
was over and that your story would be so good that it would sell itself? Well you are completely
right! Now naturally most markets are flooded with a massive glut of content. Which only
means that your stuff will stand out even more! But, one does have the option, and let
me stress that this next part is completely optional, to market your creation. Don't worry.
Marketing requires no effort whatsoever and is totally not akin to beating your head against
a brick wall. Not. At. All.
Now the first step is really simple. An author has to let as many people as possible know
they have a book for sell. This is done by constantly spamming out posts at every opportunity
and in as many places as possible while being loud and obnoxious. By the way, just thought
I would mention that I wrote a book. I just thought I would bring that up for no reason
whatsoever. Now what was I saying? Oh yes. Just keep reminding people that you have a
story to sell over and over again, just like that book I wrote. I am sure these constant
and ceaseless reminders won't get on people's nerves at all, just like my awesome book!
This is especially effective in person. Constantly steer the conversation to be about one's work
no matter how awkward or vaguely related it is. Continue talking about the book even after
the potential customer's eyes have glazed over and they start looking for a quick exit
from the conversation. No need for a quick well thought out sales pitch that will allow
the customer to quickly gauge if the book is a good match for their specific tastes.
Need more places to promote? Just barge into random internet forums only vaguely related
to your subject matter. Don't bother to read any of the forum rules. Just spam out links
to your work and then complain after getting unfairly banned! Be sure to start posting
on Reddit as well. I hear they love people there who self promote without following the
rules. And don't worry about bothering to spell check one's posts or using proper English.
I see no reason why anyone would hesitate to buy a book from someone who can barely
spell.
Another good tip is to constantly boast about all of ones remarkable credentials and achievements.
All an author has to do is keep talking about how awesome they are while neglecting to mention
anything about their work. I am sure that ceaseless bragging will engage a potential
audience rather than drive them away at the sight of a bloated ego. Don't forget to brag
about being a New York Times Best selling author. It's not like that is slapped on the
cover of books so often that it has become a meaningless designation. Don't have any
credentials? That's fine. Just make them up! No one will question a book that has won a
Nobel Hugo Newberry Medal of Honor.
Still not selling any books? Don't worry. We just need a social media presence! Social
media is a great way to market and certainly not a massive time sink. Authors should always
share their controversial political views on their marketing social media profiles as
well as become embroiled in constant arguments over trivial personal affairs. That won't
alienate large potential audiences. After all, important opinions on things unrelated
to the author's artistic work and out of their field of expertise MUST BE HEARD!
Another essential marketing tool for any author is reviews! Now it is commonly assumed that
reviews are something that customers give a book after reading in order to inform others
about the quality of the work. This is a common misconception! Book reviews are something
you pay for. I am sure an amazon page full of similarity worded 5 star reviews won't
seem suspicious at all! The only other option is to pathetically beg for reviews. Oh and
don’t forget to respond to negative reviews. People who clearly don't understand the author's
genius must be set straight. If an author is not allowed to directly respond to a negative
review then be sure to make a bogus account to act as a sock puppet on their behalf! No
one will instantly see that and I'm sure this behavior won't come across as unprofessional.
Need an even greater online reach? Make a youtube channel! That's like super easy!
YouTube is a great creator friendly platform that always respects fair use and is known
for its easy to understand algorithm and lack of a competitive environment. Even better,
YouTube channels grow themselves without any promotion, just like books! Imagine how absurd
it would be to market your marketing?
Tired of annoying... I mean marketing to people on the internet? Buy a table at a convention.
This is an excellent place to alienate... um I mean meet people and sell your work.
Just show up with zero planning and preparation. It will all work out. And the best part about
conventions is that one can physically block the escape of any potential customer. What
an excellent opportunity to force a sales pitch down their throat.
Getting desperate? Perfect! Nothing sells quite like desperation and it won't appear
unprofessional at all! If all else fails, then abduct your potential customer's families
and hold them for ransom. And if you want to see them again you will buy my book!