(telephone rings)
(dramatic music)
- A linga, linga, ling, ling.
A bing, bing, bing, clang, clang.
- Hello?
- Can I speak to a
Tony, Tony,
Tony
Baker please?
- Uh, speaking.
- [DC] How you doing, buddy?
- I'm alright.
- This is Chiller Killmonger
from the Department of Facial Hair Communications
.com .org.
- [Tony] Mm-hmm?
- How's your day going, bud?
- Ummm.
It's okay.
- Alright we gonna fix that?
(audience laughs)
I got a little bit of bad news for you, man.
- Uh huh?
- A little bad news.
Looks like you've been walking around here
for the past ten years or so
without a top lip mustache.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
And we need you to know
that it's illegal in seven different countries.
- I wasn't aware of that.
- It's illegal, yeah, very audition facious.
Also, it has a little pedophile steam to it.
With that being said,
you will no longer be able
to pick up your sons from school.
- Aw, come on, man.
- Or any other school for that nature.
- 'Cause I wear a fake mustache on the pick up?
- You can't wear a goddamn thing.
Also,
white vans.
You've gotta stay away from white vans.
- You mean the shoes or the actual--
- No, no, we mean vans vans.
- [Tony] Oh, really?
- [DC] Vans like vans, vans.
- I drive a white van.
- No, well, you gotta stay your ass out of white vans
from here on out.
Also, what else we got going on here?
It looks like we've got a website you've been on.
IWillKillaMotherf(beep)ForAFullGrownBeard.com
Is that you?
(audience laughs)
- Um.
- Have you been on these websites?
- I, I, a couple times.
- Okay, okay.
- I was just browsing.
It was just Google, you know,
the Google rabbit hole.
- What else we got here?
Dimples!
Oh, your dimples.
Your dimples are too deep to be a grown man.
They're too deep.
We feel here at the industry that
you're storing shit inside those dimples.
That you're hiding things inside those dimples.
What are you bringing with your dimples
across the border there, buddy?
- Nothing.
I'm just, you know,
they're just deformities.
- Oh. (laughs)
Oh, okay, okay, cool.
That's all we gotta say, buddy.
You take it easy.
You have a great, wonderful day there.
- I can't do that now.
- Alright, okay, touche, bye.
(makes ringing noise)
- Hello?
- Uh, yes, is this, uh,
DC Erwin?
- This is he.
- Ahh.
Hhhhhow you doing?
- Doing okay, man.
- Ooohhhh that's fantastic.
Okay, this is Thurgood Asshhhcroft.
(audience laughs)
Over here at the Arid Institute of Scorched Corduroy
(DC laughs)
and Unmixed Jiffy Mix.
Um, we got your application to join our agency.
We've been watching you for some time
since you sent in the application to join our ranks.
And your lack of skin moisture out here in the streets
has been commendable.
We, we love how you rarely use lotion out here.
- [DC] Oh, okay.
- You got the driest handshakes and dap ups in the game.
We appreciate that.
- [DC] Alright.
- But we don't think it's enough for our agency.
We notice that you do dabble in lotions from time to time.
Just trying to make a scene, you know,
trying to make an impression.
We notice you use the cheap CVS Walgreen watery lotions.
We don't like that.
We know you have daughters and you've been
buying them cocoa butters and creams
to keep them moisturized.
(DC laughs)
Meanwhile, you stay dry.
You know, we can't respect that at all.
If you want to join our ranks,
the whole family has to be ashy,
but it's just you.
We would really like for you to still come in.
- Oh, okay.
- We're gonna send a car for you.
And our driver, Mummy Hands,
is going to pick you up in the whip.
- So I can still come?
I'm good?
- We still, we just wanna touch base
with you and have you connect with Patty Burlap
down in human resources.
She'll give you the Velcro test to see how the skin,
- see how dry the skin - Now will that be just
- really is. - my hands
that you're worried about?
- The whole body.
Your hands, your lips, the whole shebang.
'Cause it's all ashy out here.
Listen, we want to invite you to an interview lunch.
We'll be serving un-buttered KFC biscuits
(audience laughs)
on a bed of talcum rice and it's gonna be a great time, man.
We also have some fresh turkey breast.
No gravy.
It's gonna be a good time.
No beverages though.
No beverages in sight.
(audience laughs)
Hopefully that sounds good to you
and we can get to know you a little further here
at the Arid Institute of Corduroy and Unmixed Jiffy Mix.
Our office is in the desert, as you can imagine.
(audience laughs)
We'll be looking forward to you.
The whole staff, we wear all corduroy.
Everything's just great,
everything's great, scratchy, dry.
I think you can appreciate it.
We want you to come through.
We know you out here sexually active.
So we want to try a new brand of
corduroy condoms for you to try.
(audience laughs)
On your lady.
- Are they ribbed?
- Absolutely.
They're ribbed and corduroy.
And dipped in talcum powder.
(audience laughs)
For her pleasure.
- Talcum powder?
- Oh absolutely, absolutely.
So we good for you to come on down, man.
What do you think?
- I'm, I'm, I'm game.
Yeah, I'm game.
- You're still not hired.
We just want to show you a good time.
- Y'all just want me to hang out?
- [Tony] We'll show you what real ash is all about.
- Okay.
- [Tony] Out here in these streets.
- Okay.
- We may even mummify you.
(coughs)
Sorry, man.
Laughing produces moisture.
(DC laughs)
- [Tony] We like to keep everything dry.
Just like the Full House theme song.
(DC laughs)
♪ It's a rare condition ♪
♪ This day and age ♪ (DC laughs)
What is that?
Family Matters, Full House?
(DC laughs)
It was all dry.
We look forward to seeing you.
- [DC] Appreciate it.
- You have a good day.
(audience laughs)
(dramatic music)
- [DC] Yo, thank you for watching the video.
Make sure you hit that like button,
share the video, subscribe to the channel.
Also, follow us everywhere else that we at
on Twitter, Facebook, you know where we at.
Follow us.
You know we out here.
It's our vibe.