There's some good ways and some not so good ways to do this.
Today, Vicki and I are going to help you know how to talk to your child's teacher about
a problem.
The thing that popped in my mind first is rule number 2 of parenting.
And you might not be thinking, "Oh, yeah.
I've got all 4 rules down."
Hey, take care of yourself, take care of the team, love your kids and discipline your kids.
So, those are the 4 rules that I am talking about.
Rule number 2.
Take care of the team.
Obviously that means your spouse, if you've got a spouse to help you with parenting.
Your child's teachers are part of the team.
So, it's important to remember that this is a member of your team.
It's not the enemy.
-Right.
And you know, that comes in really handy.
I've seen that a lot in school to remember that.
It is so important for you as a parent to be the advocate for your child.
Because you know your child best.
You know what's going on in their life.
I don't know how many kids...They'll act one way at school and they get home.
They've held it together as long as they can and they come home and they just fall apart.
There might be something going on in your child's life and you know what's going on.
You need to advocate for them.
That being said, do not step beyond advocacy and go into alienation.
I've seen so many parents that just come after the teacher in such a way for whatever reasons,
they're so frustrated but they're alienating the very person that they need to help make
a change for their child so their child could be more successful and happier.
-Vicki, you've worked in a school district for a couple of decades.
-Long time.
-And you know...
In fact, you've shared me sometimes that this so and so parent that all the teachers are
just avoiding because in interest of advocating for their child, they've actually started
to alienate all of the teachers.
-So, just look at your own behavior and just decide, "Am I advocating or alienating at
this point?"
-Now, having established our position to advocate but not alienate, here's a key to effective
communication.
And this is true with your teacher.
But it's also true in a marriage or in business...
-This is just a great concept for any communication setting.
-Okay, here it is.
Listen first!
-Right.
-Use your ears more that your mouth.
-You know, talk to the teacher and listen to them.
Explain what's going on as well.
-Right.
-This is also something that will help to bring down the defenses and to show that your
there as part of the team.
And you're not attacking anyone.
So, ask questions to open up the conversation and plan on listening first.
That's a key.
-Another great way to open a conversation or to at least get early on is tell them what
you're thankful for.
Thank the teacher for their service.
I promise that you have no idea just how many hours they put in.
And I've worked with teachers...
Oh, gosh.
I've worked with so many teachers.
And some, I know you may not feel that they're working for your child.
That's probably why you're talking to them if you have a problem with their teaching
style or about the way your child is doing things.
You obviously have an issue that you're worried about.
But see if you could come up with something first that you're thankful for.
You're going to set a better tone so that you can get to that advocacy.
-Lead with the gratitude.
And this is also a psychological strategy.
In fact, let's expand it from there, can we?
Use phrases that invoke...
We call it reciprocity or the desire for someone to give back the kind of treatment that you're
giving to them.
And here's an example of our phrase that I mean.
"I'm so glad that you're the kind of teacher that I can actually talk to about this things."
-That helps them up to be that teacher for you.
-They want to be that teacher now.
So you've set them up for a successful experience with you.
And it changes your approach.
Your own mindset is really important here.
If you go into it trying to fake being polite, they're going to see it.
They'll see through that all day long.
So, make sure that it's genuine and you come from a place of "I'm so glad that you're the
kind of teacher I can approach about this."
Another psychological strategy that really gives you an advantage as you're trying to
bring up concerns is to ask permission.
Now, you've already set things up.
I'm so grateful that you're the kind of teacher that parents can actually talk to.
May I share with you somethings that I've observe that I'm concerned about?
-And then you want to...
You want to go in and describe the situation, the problem, whatever.
But you're going to describe it as objectively as you can and without blame.
-Without blame, without criticism.
It's kind of like a news reporter.
I saw this, I observe that.
This thing happened.
And it's very objective.
-And you know...
You're going to have to get yourself in a place because I'm a mama bear and I've met
a lot of mama bears.
You know?
And so, you want to make sure that you're in the right place to be able to be objective
a little bit as you describe the situation.
Remember why we started with.
This is a member of your team.
This is a valued person in your parenting team.
Not the enemy.
-And then, once you've done that, you can ask them, "Tell me what you have seen?"
And you give them a chance to describe the situation.
Because I don't know...
I have a lot of times with our children and I'm like, when something have happened, if
I would have known...
I kind of get to a point with one child to always say right before they tell me "So and
so hit me" I say, "What happened right before that."
And usually they smack them or something.
So, let's find out from the teacher.
Be willing to listen.
Ask them to share.
After you've shared with yours what you have seen or your concerns, go ahead and give them
an opportunity to share and be ready to listen.
-By this time in the conversation, you've had some dialogues, some back and forth about
the thing that you wanted to talk to teacher about in the first place.
Your teacher, your child's teacher is a professional.
Your child's teacher is doing it for the money.
NOT!
They're doing it because they love kids and they want to help them.
Their heart is in the right place.
Trust me.
Teachers don't make enough to be doing it for the money.
So, remember who they are and what they're all about.
And then in honoring them as a caring loving professional, you at this point can ask them
for their advice, for their input.
What they think would be a good solution.
Put back to them.
-Right.
But also, I think it's very important...
Remember, we are the child's advocate.
If you have very specific request that you would really like to have happen in your child's
education, bring it up.
Let's get it out there and talk about it.
If you don't bring it up and it doesn't happen, you're going to be upset.
So, very specific and bring up the request and have a dialogue about it about how we
can bring that about.
-I remember being in a position where I was responsible for what was going on with some
kids.
And one of the parents approached me and said, "You're not doing enough for my child."
Okay, could we be more vague?
It would really have helped me if that parent would've said, "You know, there are some specific
things...."
-This child needs contact such the way or whatever.
-"My child has a hearing problem in his right ear.
You've set him on the side of the classroom and he needs to be on this side of the classroom."
Something specific.
And I'm just grabbing that as a potential example.
But then Vicki, can we finish what we started?
-Right.
Go back to gratitude and appreciation.
-Exactly.
It's a really great place to kind of bring it all back in and leave with a great feeling
that helps them...
You know, I've worked with so many moms and I am usually...
I tried to be just as fair and helpful with any child.
But I do like...
There's just like this little inner spark in me that enjoys the child just a tinnie
bit more when I enjoy their parent also.
-Isn't that true?
So, you can endear yourself to that teacher which is going to have an impact to how that
teacher shows up with your child.
This is just human psychology.
By going to gratitude.
The appreciation.
It's something that we all want.
It's a social gift and it's a gift that is easy to give that person who is squarely on
your team helping to raise your child.
You've got a lot of great people on your team including these teachers, including us.
In fact, Vicki and I have teamed up to create the Parenting Power-Up.
This is a collection of resources.
We've got group coaching.
We've got individual coaching.
We've got digital courses and support materials and downloadables.
All available for you at parentingpowerup.com.
This is a way for you to become more confident doing that most important job in the world.
We're glad to be on your team.