I hate taking showers I really do I feel
like when I take a shower it's an
accomplishment and it deserves to be
recognized as such and the award goes to
I want to think I want to thank myself
for having the strength to shower now
you know once every week I want to thank
my best friends of course who
congratulate me every time that I do um
I want to take my hair for really really
persevering in the face of meeting half
of a bottle of conditioner and you know
the music's coming on okay thank you so
much thank you
quarantine hasn't exactly been
encouraging in this regard actually the
only thing that's saved my sanity has
been driving to remote locations and
just screaming into the abyss I digress
what I'm here to talk about today are
bids for connection so I first heard
this term from John Gottman who is most
known for his book the seven principles
for making marriage work a bid for
connection is a small thing it could be
verbal or nonverbal that someone does to
connect think of it as an emotional call
how often the call is answered or not
makes up the healthiness and the
happiness of their relationship this is
a hundredth time you've called me today
and you've picked up a hundred times yay
bye so according to Gottman the one
factor that makes for a successful
relationship is that couples pay
attention to each other this is a very
simple factor but life often gets in the
way right sometimes we take people for
granted we look at our phones when
they're talking to us we hear them sigh
but we don't want to delve into what's
weighing on their minds they want pets
but we really want to get our work done
the easiest way to improve your
relationships is to pay attention during
life's everyday moments bids are short
and small and simple but they're
frequent Gottman reported that during a
10-minute dinner we can make over a
hundred bids and meeting them more often
than not is crucial and Gottman would
know he can predict with 94% accurate
which couples will stay together or end
in divorce everyone look under your
seats you get a relationship you'll get
a relationship you get a divorce
[Applause]
now there's three ways to respond to a
bit and only one of them furthers
connection say that the person who is
putting out a bid is simply asking you
something like what's a Wi-Fi password
mm-hmm it's mm-hmm what's a Wi-Fi
password why do you want to know what
the Wi-Fi password is why wouldn't I
want to connect to the Wi-Fi I don't
want to use up all my data yeah okay
it's pretty pretty city and a bit boxy
but thanks showing up for these moments
day to day is something I definitely
want to be more conscious of moving
forward that's what partners but friends
family my cat's because I know I can get
hella distracted and I know what it
feels like to really want to connect
with someone and be ignored or worse met
with some kind of aggressive resistance
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[Music]