WE'RE ALMOST THERE, GUYS.
ELECTION DAY IS JUST ONE WEEK AWAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
ONE WEEK-- OR 719 MORE TRUMP RALLIES.
( LAUGHTER ) HOWEVER YOU WANT TO COUNT IT.
IT'S A WEEK TODAY, WHICH MEANS WE'RE ONLY FIVE WEEKS AWAY FROM
KNOWING WHO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS.
( LAUGHTER ) HAGAR, YOU'RE A BRAND-NEW
CITIZEN OF THIS COUNTRY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS YOUR FIRST ELECTION.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT VOTING?
WE'RE SEVEN DAYS AWAY, BUT IF I >> I VOTED.
>> James: YOU DID IT!
YES,ER IT FELT AMAZING.
SO WE'RE GOOD, GUYS.
>> James: HAGAR VOTED IN CALIFORNIA.
I THINK THAT'S THE SWING ONE.
I THINK THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
THE NEWS OUT OF THE NATION'S CAPITOL.
THERE'S A NEW ASSOCIATE JUSTICE ON THE SUPREME COURT BENCH
TODAY.
SENATE REPUBLICANS CONFIRMED AMY CONEY BARRETT LAST NIGHT
AFTER A HIGHLY-DIVIDED VOTE.
ZERO DEMOCRATS VOTED FOR HER.
BUT, AT LEAST THEY PUT UP A FIGHT.
AND BY "FIGHT" I MEAN, THEY SENT SOME VERY STRONGLY WORDED
TWEETS.
( LAUGHTER ) JUDGE BARRETT WAS SWORN IN AT
THE WHITE HOUSE LAST NIGHT.
WHCH MEANS THE GUY WHO OWNED THE MISS TEEN USA PAGEANT HAS
NOW APPOINTED A FULL ONE-THIRD OF THE SUPREME COURT.
WE'RE HAVING FUN, GUYS!
( LAUGHTER ) AND OLD HABITS DIE HARD.
AT THE VERY END OF THE SWEARING IN CEREMONY, TRUMP INSTINCTIVELY
TRIED TO PLACE A CROWN AND SASH ON HER.
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, DONALD TRUMP HELD A
RALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA AND HE TOOK A MOMENT TO MENTION A KEY
VOTING BLOCK, I THINK?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE STARTED TALKING ABOUT THE AMISH.
>> HARD WORKERS, INCREDIBLE CRAFTSMEN.
YOU'VE DONE WORK FOR ME OVER THE YEARS, I TELL YA.
THEY CAN THROW UP A BARN IN ABOUT TWO DAYS.
>> JAMES: TRUMP WENT ON LIKE "THESE GUYS MAKE ALL THE BEST
BARNS.
POTTERY BARN, DRESS BARN...
BANES AND NOBLE."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S STRANGE TO HEAR TRUMP
TALKING ABOUT THE AMISH.
THE TWO OF THEM LITERALLY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON.
BESIDES SLEEPING IN A DIFFERENT BED THAN THEIR SPOUSE.
THAT'S IT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THESE GUYS BEHIND TRUMP SEEM
TO BE LOVING IT.
THEY SAID THEY HAVEN'T SEEN SOMETHING THIS ENTERTAINING
SINCE JEDIDIAH GOT HIS HEAD STUCK IN THE BUTTER BUCKET.
( LAUGHTER ) AT ANOTHER POINT IN THE RALLY
TRUMP READ HIS FAVORABLE POLL NUMBERS TO THE CROWD.
>> WE'RE LEADING BY FOUR POINTS IN FLORIDA.
YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT, DID YOU?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE LEADING BY INFINITY IN
UTAH.
>> James: ARE YOU?
I'LL BE HONEST, I'VE NOT SEEN THE LATEST POLLS.
BUT I FEEL LIKE "INFINITY" MIGHT, MIGHT BE AN EXAGGERATION.
HE'S LIKE A CHILD.
"IN UTAH WE'RE LEADING BY INFINITY, LIKE GAJILLIONS VOTES
AND THEN OLAF THE SNOWMAN IS GONNA COME TO MY BIRTHDAY
PARTY!" ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP ISN'T THE ONLY ONE ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.
TODAY, PRESIDENT OBAMA SAID TRUMP IS DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION
AND JEALOUS OF COVID'S MEDIA COVERAGE.
TO BE FAIR, COVID HAS GOTTEN SOME SOLID MEDIA COVERAGE.
WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO BE LINKED TO TOM HANKS AND IDRIS ELBA?
( LAUGHTER ) OFF AND ON THIS SHOW WE MOCK
DONALD TRUMP FOR GOING OFF THE RAILS WHILE SPEAKING BUT OBAMA
PROVED TODAY IT CAN HAPPEN TO THE BEST OF US.
>> EACH TIME THEY TRY TO REPEAL IT THEY SAY, OH, WE'VE GOT A
GREAT PLACEMENT, IT'S COMING.
EVERYBODY'S A LITTLE YOUNG HERE BUT YOU GUYS REMEMBER POPEYE?
AND REMEMBER THAT GUY WHO ALWAYS NEEDED TO BORROW SOME MONEY FOR
A HAMBURGER?
HE SAID, DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE PAYING YOU BACK SOME TIME SOON?
THAT'S LIKE REPUBLICANS WITH HEALTHCARE.
>> James: WHAT?!
WHAT?!
I THOUGHT HE WAS TEEING HIMSELF UP FOR A SPINACH REFERENCE, BUT
OBAMA WENT FOR THAT DEEP CUT.
EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO CREATED POPEYE WERE LIKE, "HAMBURGER
GUY?
( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU GET IT?
>> Reggie: I GET IT.
>> James: DO YOU GET IT?
>> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: THE WHOLE BAND GETS IT.
ALL YOU'VE DONE IS CEMENT WHAT I'M SAYING WHICH IS -- STEVE'S
LIKE, HAMBURGER GUY, BORROW MONEY FOR A BURGER, NEVER GET IT
BACK.
HE'D SAY PAY YOU TUESDAY.
>> Reggie: GLADLY PAY YOU TUESDAY FOR A HAMBURGER TODAY.
>> THAT'S THE TERMS MOST MUSICIANS WORK UNDER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: VERY GOOD, VERY
GOOD!
I DIDN'T KNOW.
I'LL BE HONEST, YOU'VE RUINED THE NEXT FEW JOKES.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE ALL HAVING A GREAT TIME
AND I LOVE THIS HAMBURGER POPEYE THING.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WITH POPEYE, SPINACH MUSCLES?
NO, THE HAMBURGER GUY.
>> WIMPY.
>> James: HIS NAME IS WHAT.
WIMPY.
THERE'S A BURGER CHAIN NAMED WIMPY'S.
>> James: THERE'S A BURGER CHAIN NAMED WIMPIES.
YOU COME HERE FOR THIS LEVEL OF EXCLUSIVE.
THERE'S STILL A WIMPY ON MARLO STREET IN BUCKINGHAMSHIRE.
THANK YOU FOR LEADING THE.
[ APPLAUSE ] ( APPLAUSE )
TIM HAD HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY THERE AND WE COULDN'T AFFORD TO HAVE
HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY THERE AND IT RANK ALSO ME TO THIS DAY.
SORRY?
>> LOOK AT YOU KNOW.
WHERE IS TIM?
>> James: Facebook.
HE'S WORTH $4.4 BILLION.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIM BUCKRAGE IS IN NOW.
WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) STEVE, WHAT'S GOING ON?
YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY.
>> IT'S FALL COLORS.
>> James: WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
YOU'VE GOT A DATE TONIGHT?
>> NO.
NO, NO, NO.
>> James: DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT.
>> I GOT A HAIRCUT TODAY.
>> James: BUT LOOK AT THIS LOOK TODAY.
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO BOLD FROM THE WAIST DOWN.
WHAT IS THIS A MUSTARD PANT?
>> YEAH, THESE COLORS TOTALLY GO TOGETHER.
>> James: THEY DO.
IT ALL WORKS AND IT'S COMPENSATING FOR THIS TRACK SUIT
THAT TIM KEEPS STICKING WITH.
I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T LIKE TIGERS, RIGHT?
>> RARRRR!
>> James: DID YOU SEE THIS?
ON THE WAY HOME FROM EARLY VOTING, A WOMAN IN SOUTH
CAROLINA STOPPED AT A GAS STATION TO PURCHASE A LOTTERY
TICKET, AND SHE ENDED UP WINNING $2-MILLION.
AND IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANGRY ENOUGH, SHE VOTED FOR
KANYE.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
SHE WENT TO THE POLLS A DEMOCRAT AND ARRIVED HOME A REPUBLICAN.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE WON $2-MILLION AND GOT TO
VOTE ON THE SAME DAY.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID WAS THE BEST PART?
DOING HER PART IN DEMOCRACY-- I'M KIDDING, IT'S THE FACT THAT
SHE WON $2-MILLION.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, IAN?
REGGIE?
EWE'RE PRETENDING LIKE YOU HAVEN'T IN LIFE ALREADY, BUT
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY?
>> HOW MUCH?
>> James: SEE, THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE RICH.
THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW HOW RICH REGGIE IS.
BUT WHEN YOUR QUESTION IS HOW MUCH?
WHAT IS IT, TEN?
IT WOULDN'T MAKE A HUGE DENT IN MY LIFE, REALLY.
WHAT WOULD I DO, BUY ANOTHER CAR?
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT IS THE LOTTERY HERE?
WHAT DO WE PAY FOR HERE, IAN?
>> LET'S SAY $150 MILLION.
>> James: 150 MILLION.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
>> Reggie: I WOULD PROBABLY HELP A BUNCH OF KIDS WITH COOL
INSTRUMENTS, TECHNOLOGY, KIND OF LIKE FIGURE THAT OUT.
THEN I WOULD PROBABLY INVEST IN HIRED JEN FUEL CELL PLANES SO I
WOULD GET, LIKE, A PRIVATE PLANE BUT IT WOULD RUN ON HIRED JEN
BATTERY SO IT WOULD BE ZERO EMISSIONS.
THEN I WOULD PROBABLY GET A SALTWATER SWIMMING POOL.
THEN I WOULD PROBABLY REDESIGN A HOUSE SO IT'S HERMETICALLY
SEALED AND THEY CAN CONTROL THE ENTIRE ENVIRONMENT FROM AIR
QUALITY TO HUMIDITY AND ALL THOSE FACTORS.
>> James: I DID SAY 150 MILLION.
I DIDN'T SAY $7 BILLION.
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
THAT'S BASICALLY IT.
>> James: WHAT ABOUT YOU, IAN, YOU WIN BIG ON THE LOTTERY.
>> LIE ABOUT IT.
>> James: REALLY?
YEAH, I WOULDN'T TELL A PERSON.
I'D EVEN KEEP COMING BACK INTO WORK.
I'D SHOW UP IN SLIGHTLY GUARDIER AND GUARD GAUDIER OUTFITS UNTIL
YOU ASKED ME ABOUT IT.
>> James: IT'S NOT THAT BIG A LEAP.
>> 68 CHAINS AND A VELVET TRACK SUIT.
>> James: FINALLY, WE HAVE A NEW
GUINNESS WORLD RECORD TO TELL YOU ABOUT.
A MAN IN IDAHO JUST BROKE THE RECORD FOR BOUNCING A PING PONG
BALL OFF OF A WALL USING ONLY HIS MOUTH.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WORKS, DON'T WORRY, THERE'S A
VIDEO.
>> THREE, TWO, ONE, GO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF
WE'RE ALLOWED TO SHOW THAT ON CBS.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST WANT TO SAY, HONESTLY, WE
DIDN'T ADD THAT MUSIC.
THE PORNO MUSIC WAS ON THE VIDEO, ALREADY.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,
REG?
>> Reggie: I DON'T KNOW.
IT MAKES ME FEEL REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
>> James: AND ME BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW -- I CAN'T PUT
TOGETHER THE STEPS ON HOW YOU GET THERE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHO'S, LIKE, GOT A PING-PONG BALL IN THEIR
MOUTH AND THEY'RE, LIKE -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> Reggie: THAT'S TERRIBLE.
>> James: WHAT'S THE WORLD RECORD FOR THIS?
HOW'S THERE EVEN AN EXISTING RECORD?
>> DO YOU THINK THERE'S A CRUSTY OLD COACH THAT SAID I HAVEN'T
SEEN ANYONE SPIT A PING-PONG BALL LIKE THAT SINCE 1983 AND
THEN STARTED TRAINING HIM.
>> James: YOU REMIND ME OF MITCH HEMALSTEIN, ONE OF THE
GREATS!
>> HE STARTED BY SPITTING OUT PLUMS!
>> James: THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE VIDEO THAT LEFT A BAD
TASTE IN MY MOUTH.
HE BROKE THE RECORD, THOUGH HE ALMOST CHOKED.
( RIM SHOT ) ( LAUGHTER )
I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH, THE NEXT JOKE I'M ABOUT TO SAY REQUESTED
THREE TIMES BE CUT FROM THE MONO, AND IT'S JUST BEEN PLACED
BACK IN EVERY TIME SO I'LL GIVE IT MY BEST AND WE'LL SEE HOW IT
PLAYS.
IF LOVING THIS GUY'S PONG, I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT.
( RIM SHOT ) ( APPLAUSE )
GOT TO HAND IT TO HIM, THOUGH, GOT TO HAND IT TO HIM, YOU DO.
THIS GUY, YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?
DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE WENT, GUILLERMO, REG?
HE WENT BALLS TO THE WALL.
♪ ♪