G'day, A.J. Mahari here
are people with bpd untreated or treated and didn't work all the versions of like not any
better not any more aware are are all those people with bpd toxic are they just toxic or what well
i think we could separate out the person although wait a minute there's nobody home
right so say we could separate the person with bpd from their behavior and yeah you know what
clinically it's important that i do that but like what about for you is that important for you i
don't think so why well because you know how you feel right and how you feel there's so much pain
there's so much cognitive dissonance there's so much going on who knows how you feel better than
you do and so is the borderline toxic or is it just yeah so you want to separate do you want to
separate out sometimes or do you sometimes think you are because maybe it's off again on again
you know various different iterations of these where people are in these relationships
and whether you realize that you have codependency or not what does that mean for you but what
are these borderlines just you know toxic and we should and and maybe you want to separate out well
you know but they have to have some good in there right or many people say but yeah person i was
with a bpd or my borderline as people say um he or she was really smart he or she was really talented
he or she is really smart or talented and you know they have some really good qualities um yeah but
the kind of dissonance of even being in the relationship still or the on off it's
like but what are you really feeling right because because when you think about their
good qualities versus how toxic they are and how they act out or in but how they behave it's like
what does that really do like how do you really experience it how do you
because cognitive dissonance is like people don't always put it together but it's like
and then some people like well people with bp can't help what they do because they're not really
aware of it are they aren't they i don't know because they're not all the same and then can you
know if they're aware what they're doing or not doing you might swear that they are aware or you
might go i don't know i don't think so and then some people watch some of my videos and they go
oh well you know okay if it's mostly unconscious and they can't help it
uh and then yeah you know like uh i feel really bad for them now then or you can never hold a
borderline responsible because because they don't know what they're doing and even though
this is true in many cases of people of bpd what does it mean to you why would it matter to you
because i'm here to say it doesn't need to matter and i hate the word shouldn't but
you need to have it not matter for you because the more it matters why they're doing what they're
doing are you trying to figure out why they're doing what to get does it hurt any less does it
make you feel any better because you know some people with codependency are airing on the side
of oh now i understand that this person with bpd in my life was and you can you can maybe
tell more about the person that you were with maybe not about motive but you're like yeah i
don't really think they knew what they were doing like i don't think they did all of that on purpose
but you know okay well that's compassionate but what about you like you're still hurting
does it matter if they do it on purpose or not because you can't rescue them and you can't fix
them and you can't change them so how come this is a question i would ask how come or why do you
think it is if if you resonate with this or you have share experience whether you're there now
or whether you were and you're looking back in retrospect why is it okay that they hurt you and
beyond and don't respect you and can't give you love don't love you back don't reciprocate cause
all chaos and drama and beyond whether they know what they're doing or not how's that okay for you
how does that change how you feel and some people with codependency go to one extreme
like really being angry and that's reasonable and and if a relationship breakup happens then they're
like really angry and they might even really have like super strong just like and beyond for that
person at least for a time or maybe a long time and then some people because they think that it
can be equated with people thinking that person that my border i knew exactly what he or she was
doing and now i just hate them you know because it hurts so bad right and then some people are d
with codependency at the other end of the spectrum and they're like well i don't i don't think that
he or she really knew that you know how bad it was hurting me or what they were doing and so
so you know like yeah you're parking your agony somewhere why because you were hurt you're like
you're in agony and you're confused and you're exhausted and you're worn out then people go
to this extreme codependency and they're like okay but like okay so now i feel sorry for them
now i just feel sorry for him or her but you see either end of that spectrum and all the way across
when you're trying to figure out if they're doing it on purpose or not is the borderline
you know toxic or not um oh that's like what i would say clinically but skip it that's
what i'm here for right now um if you would say well you know if if let's just separate the person
from the behavior because behavior is horrible maybe the person doesn't have to be horrible
how does that change anything for you how does that change what you're experiencing
in the trauma bonded reality of your agony it doesn't does it you're in a world of hurt
world of confusion wherever you're at with this or you were many people finding videos
unfortunately googling this for the first time right now today when this video goes up it
doesn't mean everyone's going to see it in a day but the point is so if you're if you're in this
catch-22 place that you you might not realize you're holding yourself in
it's adding to your codependent suffering it's adding to your suffering to try to dwell on and
figure out if they know what they're doing or not or but they have good qualities you do all this
horrible stuff to me they have good qualities but they're super abusive ah they have good qualities
there must be some love in there somewhere right why don't i just separate out the toxic borderline
from the person oh wait a minute who is this person i don't know i'm still really in love with
that person i thought she was but i don't know who she is now at all or he see what i'm saying like
this is the agony of the confusion and the reality that i'm out here to work with you
if i resonate with you that when a relationship ends when the bpd relationship breakup unfolds
or happens abruptly or the relationship ruptures however it ends or you think it ends or it might
just stand to start over again many times for people all of that stuff but they're a good
person but they're toxic but they they abuse me but they're bad but they have good quality but
but i know i love about who are they i could you know all of that is you as a codependent
yeah hurting like hell and unintentionally and very much not in your conscious awareness
increasing your suffering because you're still wanting it to work still still hoping it will work
still looking for ways to just but to have good qualities yeah okay that's lovely but
who are they really and who is it that you're loving and if they're abusing you
how are you experiencing the good qualities and the intermittent reinforcement of the trauma bond
is definitely going to get you to feel sometimes like well yeah like him or his
or her good qualities wow like i can't just walk away i can't just totally give up um but
that's the intermittent reinforcement and the cognitive dissonance when you get into the good
part they're good traits oh there's some good stuff going on this march is
that's the positive side of cognitive dissonance
that negates the other side that's why it's dissonance right you're going back and forth
you know people with untreated bpd or even people if they go to treatment and they don't engage in
it and they might have been there for years and never changed in fact they might even get
worse if they get into substance abuse and other stuff if they're abusing you
and you're a trauma bond think about it how are you going to possibly get less confused
less exhausted less worn out be risking your house less get more clarity help yourself out if you're
still all wrapped up in all of what i just kind of explained and and gave examples of that people are
many people are still all wrapped up in because a lot of people's codependency
have a big fear of abandonment as well and even if you decide to leave the person with
bpd but if you've been ghosted or discarded more so you will feel like you were abandoned
and and and that might just be something that you don't know how to deal with either
it doesn't make you a borderline but there's overlap between codependency and bpd right and so
you might have your own issues with why you can't let go delete the least of which might be
not to minimize fear of abandonment and you might be afraid to be alone and you just don't know who
you are if you're not in a relationship well nothing counts if you're not a relationship
or maybe it's that and the fact that you just don't want to have to deal with your own pain
the pain that's happening now that you're keeping at bay by focusing on get the borderline do it on
purpose or not they really toxic you know all that stuff beyond again the off again
when really you need to get into therapy that's the number one there's one step that's it take
action do that no matter where you are if you're recycling if it's on and off again if you're not
sure if if you're kinda if they went no contact and you want con doesn't matter what's going on
i'm out here to work with you if i resonate with you 31 years of experience i don't tell my clients
what to do you can work with me and be processing and asking me all the questions on earth you want
to ask that i can answer about what's what's she doing he doing now why what what what happened
and you and we can work on all of it at the same time together because people can't just go full
no contact in a heartbeat and from where you are and from what i was describing in the beginning
where many people still are and many people are just about to to land um because they they aren't
there yet and many people have been there but they might not have healed from it yet at all
it's not a straight line process it's not going to logically take place you know
you're going to move through this and move through that and then you're never
going to think back about this or slide back here or do this so really you know
i guess what i'm really saying in summary is what about you and why don't you matter enough
and where and i mean this with all compassion why don't you respect yourself more than this
which goes back to your childhood woundedness right don't be hard on yourself but when are
you gonna respect yourself enough to say hey no matter what i feel about all the good stuff or
that they might love me or i love who they were and i'm all compute
well how about starting with now this person can't treat me like this anymore or how about the
realization of i'm in so much agony pain confusion exhaustion i keep trying and nothing works um
that you realize that the next natural sentence that could come out of your mouth that you could
really feel would be i can't do this anymore but yet you hang on it's a trauma bond and it's
when you want to hang on and you feel like you have to hang on the most
that you need to be working with somebody in therapy and i'm out here if i resonate with you
because i understand this process so if people come and go back and forth with the you know
i'm not going to go oh well then you know i don't judge that at all i just work with people through
it and are you at that point or if you reach that point many many a time and yet you're
still in contact no contact or con all this other stuff like but they're a good person but i love
that person but i don't all of that but yet you seek no harm reduction from your trauma
from how they're abusing you and how this is re-traumatizing you and what it's triggering
from your childhood and why you have codependency and how you got trauma bonded in the first place
when's it going to be time for you to say i just can't do it anymore and realize that
that really is a game-changing realization that you can't keep ignoring and circling back around
to all of the cognitive dissonance etc or the recycling of the relationship
so people of codependency your responsibility isn't you know what the borderline did to you or
that you fell in love with it i mean you felt that's the response but you fell in love with
who you thought they were you didn't know what was happening but now that you do and you know
that you're trauma bonded or maybe you're finding this out still but you realize you're codependent
like you're kind of stuck this is a rock and a hard place reality of agony and confusion and pain
and it's not simple or easy to take a step in action step get into therapy first and
then process it all and work it all through and that's one of the ways i specialize in working
with clients especially in this area you don't have to do anything to book a session with me but
purchase and book a session with me and we can begin wherever you are right now because i want
to partner with you to help you i want to be an ally in this journey of you know up and down and
agony and one minute you know like but i love them and i but i gotta tell them i got bp but i want to
help i gotta rest but i can't i just i can't do this anymore it's killing me is hurting me so bad
i'm willing to listen to all of it back and forth and around in circles and whatever you do
as long as it takes we'll keep working on it and
otherwise if i don't resonate with you in that way or you're not prepared yet or you don't want
sessions um i hope the video was helpful somehow anyway and that you realize that you might have
had many i can't do this anymore moments and gone forward anyway only to have another i can't do
this anymore i can't take this pain anymore moment but then it's like pain to be there
pain to care pain to keep striving trying pain to keep pursuing and rescuing and trying to fix
and enabling pain to stop it too time to lean into the adversity of the pain that leads you
in the direction toward therapy that leads you in a direction toward working it through so that
you can really honor that you can't do it anymore and that you need to find clarity from confusion
and you need to make sense out of the nonsense and you need to find you take care