- Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood,
but with all the porn stars you banged,
it's probably just Tiger Woods' blood, I'm guessing.
(audience laughs)
- You've got boatloads of money, three TV shows
and still even with all the work you've had done
you can walk down the street totally unrecognized.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- My hero, Charlie Sheen.
(audience cheers)
Charlie definitely has tiger blood coursing
through his veins.
Unfortunately, that tiger is a helpless drug addict.
(laughter)
Dude, your nose is like my ass.
There's nothing you won't shove up there.
(audience laughs)
I've been clean and sober for three and a half years now
(applause)
but Charlie still hasn't hit rock bottom.
I know he's looking forward to it though
because he thinks there's a rock there.
(audience laughs)
But Charlie, don't ever pretend that you're not
a totally bitchin' rock star from Mars because you are.
(audience cheers)
And I love you.
And I am so grateful that you've let me
be a part of this tonight.
- Steve-O, you're an animal, man.
People say I'm crazy, but you, you're the real deal.
(Steve-O laughs)
This guy actually got a tattoo of his own face on his back.
There it is, there it is.
(audience cheers)
Even he knows it was a huge mistake,
because it makes Johnny Knoxville's (beep) go soft.
(audience laughs)
- Speaking of things that should already be dead,
Charlie Sheen is still alive.
Charlie, I'm a fan.
You were amazing in Platoon.
Your marriage to Denise Richards,
it was kind of like her Vietnam
cuz she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie.
(laughter)
But there is no denying how famous you are.
It was international news
when you ruined the lives of those two girls living
with you, you know, your daughters.
(audience groans)
But no, Charlie, you get a bad rap,
but you're just like Bruce Willis.
You were big in the 80s
and now you're old slots being filled with Ashton Kutcher.
(audience applauds)
But all joking aside, if you ever need a friend
to pee in a cup for you, I'm your gal.
- Amy Schumer, great job.
You really (beep) me tonight,
which I dig, because I'm into anonymous sex
and no one's more anonymous here than Amy Schumer.
(audience applauds)
I mean I'm Charlie (beep) Sheen.
They know me on Mars.
(audience laughs)
They don't know you in this room.
(audience laughs)
- Charlie, you are a monster.
Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes
of Law and Order SVU.
(audience laughs)
- Anthony Jeselnik,
I really liked your slow measured delivery.
It's as if you were trying to savor the moment.
Years from now, when you're locking up at Radio Shack,
(audience laughs)
you'll look back at tonight and say, I wish I was funnier.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- We're here tonight to honor and hopefully arrest
a man who was great in two things 25 years ago,
Charlie Sheen.
Actually there's a lot of Sheen on TV this evening
when the show airs.
Tonight on Two and a Half Men,
they're actually having Charlie's pretend funeral,
believe it or not.
There's no need to switch over though.
Just wait a few months.
You can probably see the real thing.
(audience laughs)
Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood,
but with all the porn stars you've banged,
it's probably just Tiger Woods' blood, I'm guessing.
(audience laughs)
You have a lot of nicknames for yourself.
You say you're a Vatican assassin, whatever that is.
Charlie, the Vatican does not have assassins.
If they wanna shut someone up,
they just buy 'em ice cream and tell 'em if they talk,
Jesus will kill their parents.
(audience and Charlie laugh)
Charlie went on to star and TV and film,
both drama and comedy.
He was the star of Hot Shots
(audience hoots)
which is also what Charlie feels when he takes a piss.
(audience and Charlie laughs)
I really think you and a Emilio should do a follow up
to the movie Men at Work and you can call it
Men Who Don't Work Anymore.
I'll help you write that.
But of course a very public meltdown changed the landscape.
It's interesting when you think about it.
The firing of Charlie Sheen tells you
all you really need to know about Hollywood.
You can abuse drugs.
You can abuse your spouse.
You can trash hotel rooms.
You can solicit prostitutes,
but don't you ever, ever call it Jewish guy
by his actual Jewish name.
(laughter and applause)
So now Charlie is a self-contained unit.
He is dependent upon no man and no thing,
except crack, jack, crank, meth, ludes, Vicodin, blow, acid,
uppers, poppers, E, nitrous, dust, hash
and this one boner medicine from Norway.
(laughter)
He's the reason that a dick with cocaine on it
is called a sheenus.
(audience laughs)
- Wow.
- He's still with us, Charlie Sheen.
In fact, Charlie just celebrated his 46th birthday.
(audience cheers and applauds)
- Thank you.
- A statement no one thought we would ever hear,
kinda like get Jeselnik on the phone.
(audience laughs)
or Jon Lovitz saying, one (beep) at a time, please.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry at the Plaza Hotel.
I wanna tell you though, Charlie, I think she's lying.
Cuz I saw the scene where you got arrested in Wall Street.
You can't even make yourself cry,
(audience laughs)
but with all those dangerous jobs shows on TV,
like the ones about crab fishing, ice road trucking,
why is there no show about the most dangerous job out there,
being an escort for Charlie Sheen?
(audience laughs)
How long must we wait for the first season
of Deadliest Snatch?
I'm ready to see that right now.
(audience applauds)
- Honestly, Charlie, I never thought I would live
to see the night that you would live to see this night,
I really didn't.
- Look at you, Seth.
You've got the spray on tan, the waxed eyebrows,
the pec implants,
(Seth laughs)
halogen teeth, the bleached anus,
(Seth and audience laugh)
the scrotal tuck, nipple enlargement, taint augmentation.
But I gotta admit, I envy you.
You've got boatloads of money, three TV shows,
and still, even with all the work you've had done,
you can walk down the street totally unrecognized.
(Seth and audience laughs)
- Mr. Sheen, the doctor will see you now.
I have to say, Charlie,
you are an incredible medical specimen.
I guess that's one of the benefits of waking up
every morning at the crack of crack.
(Charlie and audience laughs)
And you know what's amazing.
Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys,
your liver, the only thing you've had removed is your kids.
(audience groans and applauds)
Admittedly, Charlie gets a little confused sometimes.
He's the only guy who pulls a knife on a woman
who's already willing to (beep) him.
(audience laughs)
- I drink to that.
I drink to that shit.
- Michael, drink to that,
but is Charlie really the worst guy here?
So he a chick blow him for 30 grand.
Mike Tyson makes you blow him 'cuz I said so, that's why!
(applause)
- I drink to that too.
- Isn't that right, Steve-O?
And so Charlie, I'm happy to say,
whether it's your Adonis DNA, your tiger blood
or the drug called Charlie Sheen,
for some reason, you're able to defy science and medicine
and continue to survive.
I'll pencil you in for your relapse next week.
- Kate Walsh, I don't know anyone who watches your show
because I date women who can still get their period.
(applause and laughter)
- Look, Carlos.
I've had my share of wild times with the senoritas.
(audience laughs and claps)
I've had sex in space with green women.
(audience laughs)
You don't need that kind of press, Charlie.
In my day, if I wanted that kind of publicity,
I had to do something drastic like kiss a black girl
(audience laughs)
or let an Asian drive.
May I suggest to you, Charlie,
that you reexamine your relations with women?
Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie.
Hasn't anyone told you that actresses will sleep
with you for free?
(audience laughs)
Man, that's Hollywood 101.
You should have called.
You know what will help you get through this tough spot?
You have to give something back.
See, I was recently at a celebrity auction
where I sold one of my kidney stones for $75,000.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Do you understand what I've done?
I synthesized uric acid and calcium inside my bladder
and turned it into a house for Habitat for Humanity.
(audience laughs)
Who's the warlock now, bitch?
(audience laughs and applauds)
Actually, Emilio, we're not that different.
You're a rockstar from Mars.
Yes, you are.
And there's one rocket man to another,
if I may give you my most important piece of advice tonight,
never ever forget to book your next rehab stay
through priceline.com.
(applause)
Now, Charlie, you take it from the master.
That little subtle plug there, $65 right in the pocket.
(audience laughs)
Oh my, look at the time.
Oh geez, simply I must get home.
I want to catch that new Ashton Kutcher show.
Do you know him?
Nice guy.
- No.
- I went to high school with his wife.
Thank you very much.
(audience applauds)
- I personally asked that William Shatner be here
only because I needed some clean urine.
I had to ring it outta the diaper, but it did the job.
(audience and William laugh)
Bill, you've always been an inspiration to my acting.
It was your work on Star Trek that inspired me to act
like an asshole until the rest of the cast
stopped speaking to me.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Unlike all you people on this dais,
I actually know Charlie and I'm famous.
(audience laughs)
No, he's my friend.
I've known him for about 18 years.
And I can tell you he's nothing like the character
he plays on TMZ.
(laughter)
And people say, oh, he is crazy
just because he likes beautiful women to come to his house,
have sex with him and then leave.
What a nut!
(audience applauds)
First time I hung out with Charlie was at his house
after the Super Bowl.
A bunch of hot chicks showed up
and I looked up, I saw my old girlfriend
and Charlie put his arm around me and said,
pick a hooker.
(audience laughs)
First time in my life I cried and came at the same time.
(audience)
No, it wasn't.
(laughter)
And now a joke.
How much blow can Charlie Sheen do?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
(audience laughs and claps)
I'm kidding.
The man is misunderstood.
Eight balls of heroin, bad for you?
Or as Charlie sees it, the most important meal of the day.
Now sure, things got pretty crazy for a while.
He was all mixed up
but he knew it was time to get straight
when he put his dick in his coke
and his razor in his hooker.
And did you know Charlie, according to the Torah,
he's Jewish and not because his mother's a Jew
but because CBS paid him $50 million
and he still sued the network.
(audience laughs and claps)
Now, listen, despite what you read,
Charlie's still close to all of his exes.
Just recently he took Brooke Mueller to Mexico
where he banged her ass so heart,
three balloons of coke fell out.
(audience laughs)
But Charlie's a gentleman.
He put them back in.
(audience laughs and claps)
Picture it, thank you!
- Look, it's former funny man, Jon Lovitz.
Just last week, we were out on the golf course.
We chatted and had a few laughs.
Then he got back on the mower and drove off.
(audience laughs)
- I said yes to this because I respect Charlie Sheen, I do.
I say yes, 'cause I respect not his body of work.
It's all been very Christian Slaterish.
He sucks, but he's good, but he sucks at the same time.
I think that his stand that he made against the business,
I think this is a (beep) up business, but he stood up.
He still survived and he proved that nobody can keep
a Sheen down.
They can keep Estevez down, 'cause his brother
(audience laughs)
and he's the good one.
That (beep) do everything right
and that (beep) career is over.
Holy shit.
(audience laughs)
(beep) tiger blood.
He's selling his own blood to make money now.
(audience laughs)
- When I first saw Patrice on this stage,
I thought the same thing we all did.
Why is Mike Tyson's mother here?
(audience laughs)
But Mike, no, no, Mike, you were fantastic tonight.
By the way, Mike, I'm sorry for drinking all the blood
outta your tiger.
I was going through a weird phase.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)