WELCOME ONE
AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, DOWN THERE, TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY HERE IN
NEW YORK.
AND FOLKS, THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS RESTED A BIT EASIER LAST
NIGHT, BECAUSE YESTERDAY THE N.Y.P.D. ARRESTED SUBWAY SHOOTER
SUSPECT FRANK JAMES AFTER IT GOT --
(APPLAUSE) , FEELS NICE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT YOUR KIDS ON THE SUBWAY.
THEY ARRESTED HIM AFTER THEY GOT A TIP ON ITS CRIME STOPPERS
HOTLINE.
YOU KNOW THE NUMBER!
S S S S 800-588-2300
S CRIME STOOOOP.
THAT IS NOT THE NUMBER.
WHOEVER MADE THE CALL IS A HERO, WHO STANDS TO RECEIVE UP TO
$50,000 IN REWARD MONEY.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS UNCLEAR WHO ALERTED THE POLICE,
BECAUSE THERE WERE SCORES OF CALLS, AND AN ARRAY OF
PEOPLE TOOK CREDIT FOR TURNING HIM IN.
PLUS, TO COLLECT THE REWARD, YOU HAD TO BE THE 19TH CALLER, AND
SAY THE PHRASE THAT PAYS, "CRIME STOPPERS IS NEW YORK'S
NUMBER ONE CRIME-STOPPING HOTLINE.
STOPPING CRIMES FROM THE 80'S, 90'S, AND TODAY!
BA-BA-BOOEY!" ONE PERSON CLAIMING TO HAVE
DROPPED A DIME ON JAMES IS 21-YEAR-OLD ZACH TAHHAN, A
SECURITY CAMERA TECHNICIAN, WHO WAS WORKING IN A STORE NEARBY
WHEN HE SAW JAMES THROUGH ONE OF THE
SECURITY CAMERAS.
HEAR THAT, M.T.A.?
CAMERAS WORK SO MUCH BETTER WHEN THEY WORK.
(APPLAUSE) AT ALL.
800-588--- NOW TAHHAN, A SYRIAN IMMIGRANT
OBSERVING RAMADAN, BECAME A SOCIAL MEDIA SENSATION LAST
NIGHT WITH HIS EXPLANATION OF HOW HE HEPED NAB THE SUSPECT:
>> Stephen: YEAH, HE'S JUST TASTING, MAKES YOU A LITTLE
LOOPY WHEN ARE YOU TASTING.
>> Stephen: HE HAD TO MAKE THAT CLEAR, BECAUSE HE WAS STANDING
IN FRONT OF A SIGN THAT SAID "NEED CANNABIS DELIVERED?"
AFTER THIS WEEK?
YES.
SEVERAL OTHERS HAVE CLAIMED RESPONSIBILITY, AND TO
COMPLICATE THE SITUATION EVEN FURTHER, LAW ENFORCEMENT
OFFICIALS HAVE SAID THAT JAMES HIMSELF MAY HAVE CALLED
THE TIP LINE.
THAT IS GOING TO BE AN AWKWARD AWARD CEREMONY: "MR. JAMES,
HERE'S A KEY TO THE CITY, A CHECK FOR $50,000,
AND A PAIR OF HANDCUFFS.
QUICK, TAKE HIS KEY!" SO NEW YORKERS, YOU CAN REST
EASY AND RETURN TO THE SUBWAY.
IT'S JUST AS SAFE AND CLEAN AS YOU REMEMBER.
SPEAKING OF FIGHTIN' BAD GUYS, THE UKRAINIAN MILITARY ANNOUNCED
THAT A RUSSIAN WARSHIP HAS BEEN 'SERIOUSLY DAMAGED' IN THE BLACK
SEA AFTER UKRAINIAN FORCES STRUCK THE SHIP WITH ANTI-SHIP
NEPTUNE MISSILES.
I'M SURPRISED THEY'RE CALLED "NEPTUNE" MISSILES.
BECAUSE RUSSIA, UKRAINE'S KICKING "URANUS."
AT FIRST, RUSSIA DOWNPLAYED THE DAMAGE TO THE VESSEL, BUT LATE
THIS AFTERNOON, THE KREMLIN'S MILITARY SPOKESMAN RELEASED THIS
STATEMENT: >> YOU SANK MY BATTLESHIP!
>> AND IT'S TRUE! TODAY, RUSSIAN STATE MEDIA CONFIRMED
THAT THE WARSHIP MOSKVA HAD SUNK.
OF COURSE, SINCE IT'S RUSSIAN STATE MEDIA, THEY HAD TO SPIN IT
AS POSITIVE: (/
>> "TODAY, BATTLESHIP MOSKVA BEGINS NEW MISSION: TO DE-NAZIFY
BIKINI BOTTOM AND FINALLY GET SECRET TO KRABBY PATTY!"
OF COURSE, RUSSIA CLAIMS THE -- I HAVE A REALLY DRIFTING
RUSSIAN ACCENTS T GETS ITALIAN VERY QUICKLY.
OF COURSE, RUSSIA CLAIMS THE GOAL OF THEIR INVASION WAS TO
PREVENT THE EASTWARD EXPANSION OF NATO, BUT THE
ATTEMPT TO INTIMIDATE THEIR NEIGHBORS SEEMS TO HAVE
BACKFIRED, BECAUSE NOW SWEDEN AND FINLAND ARE MAKING
MOVES TO JOIN NATO.
THIS IS HUGE NEWS.
NO ONE THOUGHT.
IT COULD BE THE MOST SHOCKING NORDIC ALLIANCE SINCE BLACK
LICORICE JOINED FORCES WITH SALT.
IS IT CANDY OR A DIRTY SNOW TIRE?!
PICK A LANE!
YESTERDAY, THE SWEDISH AND FINNISH PRIME MINISTERS HELD A
JOINT PRESS CONFERENCE, WHERE FINNISH PRIME MINISTER
SANAA MARINE SAID, FINLAND WAS READY TO MAKE A
DECISION ON JOINING NATO "WITHIN WEEKS."
WELL, THEY HAVE TO.
THEIR COUPON IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE!
REFER A FRIEND, GET ONE MONTH OF NATO FREE WITH PROMO CODE
"SUCK IT, PUTIN."
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YEAH, HELL YEAH.
OVER THE WEEKEND, MARINE EXPLAINED, "RUSSIA IS NOT THE
NEIGHBOR WE THOUGHT IT WAS."
WHAT NEIGHBOR DID YOU THINK IT WAS?
JUST LISTEN TO RUSSIA'S STATE FARM JINGLE:
(/
WE BOMB YOUR HOUSE."
THE MOVE IS RISKY, AS RUSSIA HAS REPEATEDLY WARNED FINLAND
AGAINST JOINING NATO, THREATENING
SERIOUS MILITARY AND POLITICAL CONSEQUENCES.
OH, DAMN.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT WHEN I WISHED THIS WAR WOULD "FINISH"!
DAMN YOU, CURSED MONKEY'S PAW!
DAMN YOU, CURSED.
MONKEY PAW.
SWEDEN IS EXPECTED TO JOIN NATO TOO, IF ONLY TO KEEP RUSSIANS
FROM SEIZING THEIR STRATEGIC RESERVE OF SKARSGARDS.
NONE OF THIS HAS STOPPED RUSSIAN OFFICIALS FROM ISSUING THREATS.
TAKE DEPUTY CHAIRMAN OF RUSSIA'S SECURITY COUNCIL, AND CHEF
DECLARING "THAT'S A SPICY-A TURNIP," DMITRY MEDVEDEV.
MEDVEDEV, WHO USED TO BE THE RUSSIAN PRIME MINISTER AND
PRESIDENT BEFORE DOING WHATEVER THE HELL HIS "NEW"
NO-SHOW JOB IS, WROTE A POST ON TELEGRAM IN WHICH HE THREATENED
RUSSIA WOULD BUILD UP NUCLEAR FORCES IN THE BALTIC SEA REGION
IF SWEDEN AND FINLAND JOIN NATO.
ONE PROBLEM, ACCORDING TO THE LITHUANIAN DEFENSE MINISTER,
RUSSIA ALREADY HAS NUCLEAR WEAPONS IN THE BALTIC REGION.
OK, YOU CAN'T THREATEN TO DO WHAT YOU'RE ALREADY DOING.
THAT'S LIKE SENDING A RANSOM NOTE THAT SAYS,
SEND US ONE MILLION DOLLARS OR WE WILL CUT UP YOUR MAGAZINE!
(APPLAUSE) THE WHOLE WORLD HAS TURNED
AGAINST RUSSIA.
INCLUDING THE REPUBLIC OF NETFLIX, WHICH SUSPENDED SERVICE
THERE LAST MONTH.
NOW, RUSSIAN NETFLIX SUBSCRIBERS LAUNCHED A CLASS
ACTION LAWSUIT FOR LOSS OF SERVICE.
THEN, AFTER A FEW HOURS, A SCREEN POPPED UP SAYING
"ARE YOU STILL SUING?" AND THEY HAD TO CLICK "YES."
IT'S NOT JUST THE VIEWERS WHO ARE MAD.
BECAUSE NETFLIX ALSO HALTED THE DEVELOPMENT AND ACQUISITION OF
ALL RUSSIAN-MADE TV SHOWS AND FILMS.
THAT'S ROUGH NEWS FOR ANYONE -- SURE, IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO
DO.
BUT THAT'S ROUGH NEWS FOR ANYONE
EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW SEASON OF BRIDGERTATO.
FUN FACT: THE VISCOUNT'S SEXY BUTT?
(/
NICE, NICE, LITTLE BUTTER, LITTLE SOUR CREAM.
COUPLE OF BACON BITS.
YOU GOT IT, BABY.
SPRING IS HERE, THE SUN IS OUT, THE FLOWERS ARE UP, THERE'S A
SPECIAL SOMETHING IN THE AIR.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S COVID.
BECAUSE CASES HAVE BEEN GOING UP ON THE EAST COAST, AND TWO NEW
OMICRON SUBVARIANTS ARE SPREADING QUICKLY IN NEW YORK.
SCIENTISTS AREN'T SURE HOW THEY'RE SPREADING THROUGH
MANHATTAN SO FAST, BUT THEY SUSPECT CITIBIKES.
THESE VARIANTS AREN'T YOUR GRANDPA'S OMICRON.
THEY'RE SUB-SUBVARIANTS OF THE BA.2 SUBVARIANT, CALLED:
BA.2.12 and BA.2.12.1 C'MON, SCIENTISTS.
CAN'T YOU BE MORE CREATIVE THAN LETTERS AND NUMBERS?
PEOPLE WOULD TAKE THESE VARIANTS MORE SERIOUSLY IF YOU GAVE 'EM
COOL NAMES LIKE, "BIG BAD GREG."
"NO GOOD GRETCHEN."
"SORRY, I CAN'T COME TO DINNER.
I'M LAID UP IN BED WITH "BIG BAD GREG"."
BIG BAD GREG, THAT IS HARD TO SAY.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THAT'S OKAY.
THE YOU ARE TOO KIND, THAT IS REALLY TOO NICE.
THE NEW VARIANTS ARE THE MOST HIGHLY-TRANSMISSIBLE
STRAINS OF COVID IDENTIFIED TO DATE.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP GETTING MORE TRANSMISSIBLE THAN THE MOST
TRANSMISSIBLE VIRUS OF ALL TIME?
THIS IS LIKE WHEN WE WERE TOLD THE MOST EXTREME OREO WAS
S DOUBLE STUFF BUT THEN MUTATED TO
"MEGA STUF," AND NOW WE'RE UP TO "MOST STUF." NEXT, THEY'RE JUST
GONNA LOWER US HEAD-FIRST INTO "STUF!"
--" THAT FIGHTS COVID, THAT IS E OF THE TREATMENTS.
OH, THIS IS SOMETHING.
THERE'S NEWS ABOUT TESLA BILLIONAIRE AND GROOM GIVING THE
WORST POSSIBLE "I DO," ELON MUSK.
A WEEK AGO, MUSK BECAME TWITTER'S LARGEST
SHAREHOLDER, AFTER BUYING $2.89 BILLION WORTH OF THE
COMPANY.
OK.
DID NO ONE TELL HIM YOU CAN READ ALL THE TWEETS FOR FREE?
AFTER HIS BIG INVESTMENT, HE SPENT THE WEEK SITTING DOWN WITH
EXPERTS TO PLAN A LONGTERM BUSINESS STRATEGY, BY WHICH I
MEAN HE POSTED A BUNCH OF TROLL-Y NONSENSE, LIKE:
"TWITTER'S NEXT BOARD MEETING IS GONNA BE LIT",
AND A POLL SUGGESTING THEY CHANGE THE NAME TO
"TITTER."
ONE OF THE GREATEST INNOVATORS OF OUR TIME, FOLKS!
IT'S LIKE WHEN THOMAS EDISON DEBUTED HIS MARVELOUS
INCANDESCENT "LIGHT BOOB."
(APPLAUSE) BUT THAT STOCK PURCHASE WASN'T
ENOUGH FOR THE MUSK MAN.
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, MUSK OFFERED TO BUY TWITTER FOR
$43 BILLION IN CASH.
OH MY GOD.
YOU COULD DO SO MUCH WITH THAT MONEY: ADDRESS WORLD HUNGER, FIX
CLIMATE CHANGE, GET A DECENT HAIR CUT.
IN A STATEMENT, MUSK SAID THAT HE'S DECIDED HIS INITIAL
INVESTMENT WASN'T ENOUGH AND NOW BELIEVES "TWITTER NEEDS TO
BE TRANSFORMED AS A PRIVATE COMPANY" AND THAT HIS GOAL IS TO
MAKE TWITTER "THE PLATFORM FOR FREE SPEECH AROUND THE
GLOBE."
HEY, DING-A-LING: TWITTER IS ALREADY AN INTERNATIONAL
PLATFORM FOR FREE SPEECH!
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?
BECAUSE NO ONE AT TWITTER CAN STOP ME FROM TWEETING
"SUCK IT, ELON MUSK" IN EVERY LANGUAGE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS HUGH
THE ONE.
THE ONLY, MR. HUGH LAURIE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE!
JOINS, WOWNT?