Everyone loves Star Wars, right?
It's a global phenomenon that can't be stopped.
But, along with all the joy the franchise brings, there’s still plenty of creepy,
dark stuff hiding on the edges of that galaxy far, far away.
Luke's priorities are whack
Everyone knows that Luke Skywalker's just a kid when A New Hope starts out.
He has big dreams and isn't thrilled about helping his Uncle Owen when he'd rather be
off doing, well, pretty much anything else.
But then, his aunt and uncle, the people who raised him pretty much from birth, get fried
to a crisp by Stormtroopers.
While Luke rushes home and sees his beloved aunt and uncle barbecued in the front yard,
he kind of frowns a little.
And...that’s pretty much it.
Compare this to his reaction when Obi Wan's killed during the duel with Darth Vader.
He was absolutely crushed, even though he'd known Obi Wan all of, what, a couple days?
Maybe a week?
He screams...
"Noooo!"
…loud enough to alert every Stormtrooper on the Death Star.
Meanwhile, the only family he’s ever known gets reduced to a couple of charred, smoking
skeletons, and it gets a sad shrug.
C’mon, man.
The robots have it super-rough
Most of the droids in the Star Wars universe have artificial intelligence, along with distinct
personalities.
They're basically metal people.
Once you realize that, you also start to realize that some pretty messed up stuff happens to
them across this series.
In Jabba's lair in Return of the Jedi, droids are torturing other droids — and in pretty
inventively messed up ways.
The little guy with his feet to the fire gets flipped upside down by a made-for-flipping-a-droid-upside-down-and-burning-his-feet
machine — and he doesn’t seem too happy about it.
"Ahhh!"
So, robots in Star Wars can feel pain.
"Ah!"
Then there's R2-D2, who truly cares about Luke and has a pretty great personality.
In fact, in The Force Awakens, he’s so depressed that the only cure is the need for plot advancement.
R2-D2 can hack computer consoles, make ship repairs, and he can even fly.
So his manufacturers designed him with all that great stuff — but didn't give him the
ability to, y'know, talk?
They could fit actual rocket jets into his legs, but he doesn't have a speaker?
Feels like a raw deal.
*beep beep beep*
Speaking of, C-3P0 and R2-D2.
They go through Episodes I-III, and C-3PO’s memory is wiped because George Lucas had to
tie all this stuff together somehow.
So droids have personalities, feelings, all this agency … but humans can just take it
all away on a whim?
*crash*
You know what, let’s just scrap The Last Jedi and make Episode VIII a murder-revenge
epic where the Droids get a thirst for blood.
Terminator with lightsabers.
You know you’d watch that.
People had friends on that Death Star!
In Return of the Jedi, the second Death Star was under construction.
If you saw Clerks, Randall makes a pretty good argument about how many people would’ve
been on that space station.
"So a construction job of that magnitude would require a hell of a lot more manpower than
the Imperial Army had to offer.
I'll bet they brought independent contractors in on that thing.
Plumbers, aluminum siders…"
These poor guys hammered together a few space-walls to pay the space-bills, and then the Rebels
came to blow them up and make their kids space-orphans.
That’s cold.
Going deep nerd, Lucas actually tried to shoot that theory down in the Attack of the Clones
DVD commentary, saying the Death Star was constructed by Geonosians, which were basically
giant termites.
But hey, giant alien termites have families too, you know.
But never mind who built the Death Star for a second: is literally everyone working in
the Empire really evil?
The leadership made up of murderous space wizards certainly is, but what about the regular
people just looking to make some credits?
As we saw in Rogue One, the Empire wasn’t above making people work for them against
their will.
And Finn had enough of a moral compass to defect.
Was he the only Stormtrooper with a heart?
The Death Star and Star Destroyers had to have janitors, plumbers, electricians, package
delivery people, and hey — maybe even Pilates instructors.
You know, people who were just doing their jobs.
And they all got blown the heck up.
Jedi are stone cold
More than anything else, the Jedi are the Star Wars franchise's most legendary characters.
Fantastic heroes, through and through, right?
Well...maybe not so much.
In Episode I, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi Wan rescue Anakin from the Mos Espa slave quarters on
Tatooine, but they leave his mom behind.
At the time, they didn't have enough money to buy both of them, which makes sense — even
if they could've just borrowed some cash from Mace Windu and that guy with the forehead,
and gone back to buy Annie's mom.
But, why does Anakin wait 10 years to go back to look for his mother?
He has all the resources of the Jedi, and never thinks to rescue his mom from slavery?
It’s too bad, because Anakin's rage first surfaces when he takes revenge on the Tusken
Raiders who killed her.
It's, you know, pretty much the first time Darth Vader emerges.
Good job, guys.
Let's also not overlook the fact that Obi Wan was supposed to love Anakin.
He was his brother, and he cut off his friggin' legs and left him to die in a pit of lava.
Yes, Anakin was turning to the Dark Side, but Obi-Wan couldn’t even give him the courtesy
of a mercy kill to save him from the torture of being burned alive.
If he had, the original trilogy would’ve been a whole lot shorter.
These guys are supposed to be heroes, right?
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