- [Narrator] From West Hollywood California!
The only news team that doesn't know what's
on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is, Breaking News.
(transition music)
- Good evening everyone!
Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have
no idea what we're about to say and
we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I am body swapped with a twelve year old boy,
somebody please help me this body is old as hell.
- And I'm Stuart Big.
Our first story of the evening,
the Twin Fields Mall is finally closing its'
doors after twenty-five years.
Residents will no longer be able to go and try
to tap the directory thing but it won't listen,
not everything needs to be a touchscreen.
- The Twin Fields Mall?
That's where I went second base for the first time,
that was last week, I'm twelve years old.
I should be in school, right now.
- No more going to the Apple store and
challenging the so-called, "geniuses."
- When I go to the Apple store,
I find the biggest iPad they have and
subscribe to a bunch of Patreon's
on my step-dad's credit card,
I'm twelve!
- And lastly, mall fans will now sadly have to
go elsewhere to get their authentic Japanese
cuisine found in the food court.
- SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!
- Maybe later.
- In personal news, I miss my mommy.
(wheezing laughter)
I don't know how to drive and I had
to do it to get here.
(giggling)
And on top of all of that, I look like shit.
(laughing)
I mean seriously look at me, I was a hot twelve
year old,
(stifled laughter)
We can say that?
- I think the twelve year old can think they're hot.
- Maybe, what is this?
Now I've got this face that sucks and body to match,
I'm being very mean to whoever's body this is.
- Democracy dies in darkness.
(laughter)
Now, onto the latest in gaming!
- Thanks, thanks so much Stewart!
(laughter)
- Try the face.
- No.
- Ohh, it begins.
- Uh, thanks so much Stewart.
Man this gaming stuff just keeps getting better,
there's a very popular game franchise that has
dancing, I'm not allowed to say the name of it
but it's one you can play in a fort at night.
There are a bunch of dances that I think should
be in that game, again these are dances that I
think should be in that game but are not
as doing those dances would violate the
copyright of this very litigious game.
And again I haven't named the game,
it could be any game that would be great fun
to play, for tonight.
This first dance is called, "the bunny bounce."
- Great, let's see it.
- And then,
(stifled laughter)
- That's it, that's it, you just go to
the right and to the left.
Oh man!
I crushed that, time for another, this one's
called, "absolutely fucking go nuts."
(gibberish)
(laughter)
- Whoa there are lyrics?
(continuous laughter)
- There are lyrics to the dance!
- Oh yeah, oh yeah.
- Woogity boogity.
- I was just saying woogity boogity.
(laughter)
- Do the face, do the face.
(laughter)
- Nope, okay okay.
Oh wow, I'm not tired at all!
Oh no, this one's called, "the Steinfeld but not
the Elane" dance.
(laughter)
- Is that a knife?
(wheezing laughter)
- I just, I panicked and now I'm leaning in.
(crying laughter)
- Oh a very very reserved, "the sprinkler."
- He's got a microphone, that's what I
- I thought that was a knife.
- Got a microphone and you're doing comedy so
you're kind of panicking, okay um
(coughing)
(continues laughing)
- You are crushing!
(deep breath)
- And that was just the first half of
(giggling)
- Ahhh, here's the
(laughter)
- Here's the very own, oh no!
Here's the very different second half
(laughter)
Yeah, yeah.
- In which part of Seinfeld's career
does that relate to?
- Oh I forgot!
(continues laughing)
- I forgot it was Seinfeld, I mean
(wheezing laugh)
(gibberish)
- I don't know, the early part of Seinfeld,
(deep breaths)
I could go all night and I might.
- Sorry, what's the name of this next dance coming up?
- Here's "how I fuck."
(laughter)
- No no,
- IT'S THE SAME AS THE!
- That looks very similar to part two of the Seinfeld dance!
- WOW, incredible!
- Yeahh, yeah.
- Wow!
- Wow that sucked, I absolutely hated that.
This is how I fuck.
(wheezing laughter)
- Now I do want to point out that I'm technically
anchor one, Rekha just really wanted to do this.
(laughter)
- Rekha,
- Oh no! Wow!
- No no,
- This is getting,
- No I think Rayken really,
Should we switch for the rest of this segment?
- You have to get up!
You know what, you have to, twelve year old
you have to get up and do that, I think!
I think that's bout criers right?
- No I think we dodged a bullet there.
- Wow this is getting me all horned up.
In other news the Twin Fields Mall has just been
saved, thanks to the generous donation from
the towns beloved billionaire,
we cut now live to said billionaire.
- Thanks, I have purchased the Twin Fields Mall
and I'm going to tear it down because
I'm starting my own country, the laws in my new
country are extensive and ruthless,
I will lay them out now.
Rule number one, handshakes for men, hugs for women.
This is the main reason I'm starting a new country.
(laughter)
- Sorry what?
(more laughter)
I'm going fully off script, what happens when a
man and women introduce themselves to each other?
- I'll show you.
(laughter)
Number two!
(laughter)
Prime is spine,
- Later, I guess!
- Crime is fine but don't go nuts with it.
Number three, you don't need to ask for
permission to go to the bathroom,
you can just go!
- Aww, nice!
- And number four, we will only air Tarantino
movies without all the weird foot scenes.
- Oh no!
That's right, I'm twelve and horny for feet already.
In fact in this body, I feel shame about that
which means this person needs to work
on their sex positivity.
- You certainly have a lot going on,
kind of exhausting for me.
- Yes, I think exhausting for all of us.
Ah all right, anyways, surprising nobody
this weeks loser is, and returning champ,
Amy Vorpahl!
(light clapping)
Oh god.
- That's feels, that feels right.
- Transcendent joy, thank you to everyone for
watching, this is been Breaking News.
- And Amy if I'm correct there's a third part
to that Seinfeld dance?
- Yeah, and don't forget this is Seinfeld.
(howling laughter)
- He's taking a bow, he's basking in his riches,
he's driving comedians.
- He's rich and he wants comedians to get in his car.