- I've often seen in comments under these videos
people get frustrated and they say, oh
I want to just be myself in dating.
How come I can't just be myself.
I should just be authentic.
Be ourselves.
Why does this all have to be so complicated?
And I get it.
I feel that same way.
And I felt that way when I was trying to
find the love of my life.
And I was like, I just want to be my health in dating.
And while there's a huge truth in that
that you should absolutely be yourself.
You should absolutely be authentic,
learning to interact with someone,
learning to court one another and to fall in love
is like a dance.
Imagine learning to salsa dance.
You're gonna go salsa dance with somebody.
And they said, I don't wanna learn any moves.
I don't wanna learn the steps.
I just wanna be myself
the salsa dancer ourselves.
And what would happen in that dance?
They'd be bumping into each other.
They'd be stepping on each other's toes.
In fact, my second date with my wife, we went salsa dancing
and there was all kinds of moments
when I was stepping on her toes,
she was stepping on my toes
because we didn't know the dance.
Courting one another, learning to fall in love,
there's a dance to this.
And there's certain things that we do
that cause the other person to pull away naturally.
And there are other things we do that cause them to draw in.
So today I'm gonna share with you five hidden mistakes
that make men pull away and what you can do instead.
Check it out.
(soft music)
Hey there, this is Mat Boggs
and I'm the founder of
the Love and Relationships Division here
at the Brave Thinking Institute
where our mission is empowering people
to create and live a life they love.
And that includes your love life.
So if you like this video, I encourage you
to click that subscribe button and click that little bell,
because every week we bring you new video
to empower you and your love life.
And today we're talking about five mistakes
that make men pull away.
Mistake number one is overinvesting too early.
I was on a coaching call recently with a woman
who was in my "Manifest Your Man" program.
And she was saying, oh, this one's so hard for me.
She's like when I love somebody
or I just feel like I could fall in love with them,
I just want to give to them.
I want to pour love on them.
I want to text them.
I want to give them gifts.
And so she's like, I know that this is
what's been driving men away.
And so if you have a tendency because you're a giver,
you have a tendency because you're openhearted,
you love and you love to just pour love on people you love,
know this.
There's a pacing that helps your man open up to you.
When you overinvest too early
what you're doing is you're training him what to expect.
And when someone is constantly giving to you
the human nature is to then lean back and receive.
And so it's the difference between
going to a fine dining restaurant
and cooking at home together.
Imagine a fine dining experience.
The person who's going to that fine dining experiences
finds their table.
They sit down, the waiter comes over
brings them a drink, takes their order.
They go back, they cook the food
they bring the food to the table.
The whole, meanwhile, that person is just relaxed
and receiving and enjoying what's happening.
That's what you're training your man to do
when you're constantly investing,
sending the text, making the plans,
cooking for him, giving him gifts
doing all of that.
He's like, okay, I'm gonna sit back and receive.
And you're training him to not invest with you.
Compare that to cooking with a partner.
Cooking with a partner.
You come over to the house and you're like, all right
you chopped the vegetables.
I'm gonna do the meat. You know, you open the wine.
I will set the table.
And both of you work together
to create this beautiful experience
of having this meal together that the two of you will enjoy.
That is so much more valuable
because when he invests in the relationship
when he works towards something, he values it more.
It's human nature.
We all do.
And so the what to do instead
if you find that you are a giver?
Link in your mind that what real giving is
in a relationship,
is giving him the opportunity to serve you.
Interesting reframe,
giving him the opportunity to invest
giving him the opportunity to actually pour into you,
actually triggers his biochemistry
more than receiving the gifts from you,
especially if he's a masculine man.
So notice the pacing, it's okay to give
but allow him to give to you.
Make sure that that investment is equal
and will raise both of your biochemistry even more
and help bond you together.
The second common mistake is seeking validation.
Seeking validation is where you seek
to know how he feels about you,
if he's invested in this relationship with you,
if he likes you enough,
if he finds you beautiful.
And so as when we're not feeling secure
we're not feeling worthy,
that kind of behavior slips out.
It's easy to slip into seeking validation behavior.
And the way it often comes out is we'll criticize ourselves
or we'll put ourselves down hoping the other person says,
no, no, no, I like you
or no, no, no, you're fun.
Yes, you are beautiful.
So knowing this comes from a place of
really feeling unworthy.
So the way to unravel this is to own your worth.
Let me give you an example of this.
There was a woman and that I was dating.
I found her beautiful.
I found her sexy.
And so one night we're making out and
in the middle of the makeout session, she kind of pulls back
and she's like, yeah, I just don't feel really sexy.
You know, I don't consider myself kind of a sexy person.
And then she came back in for more kisses
and we're like making out more and then she pulls back
and she's yeah, I just, I don't feel sexy.
And I just, I wish I could feel sexier.
And she came in for more kisses and I'm like,
I'm listening to this going, why are you telling me this?
Like, you're telling me you're not sexy.
I found you sexy.
And now I'm not really finding you sexy.
Like why are you don't feel sexy?
And so she, her own insecurity
she was transmitting to me.
Consider this for a moment.
Chances are you're a person that knows everything is energy.
We're actually, we're spiritual beings
having this human experience.
Your energy doesn't begin and end with your skin.
Your belief, how you feel about yourself
is you're setting that out.
You're radiating that out
and other people are picking that up.
So if you're radiating insecurity,
you're actually transmitting that to him.
He's gonna pick that up
and you're shaping his perception of you.
He's gonna start to see you as not enough,
not sexy, not beautiful,
but on the other hand, if you own your worth,
if you own how sexy you are,
if you own how beautiful you are,
because no, that doesn't come from anyone else
that comes from you
that comes from you deciding you believing
you say, you know what, I am enough.
So instead of seeking validation,
give that validation to yourself,
own it first, own your worth.
And your man is gonna see you as worthy.
Easier said than done, right?
To say, well, I'm gonna increase my worthiness
but how do you actually do that?
If you would love a proven process
for how to increase your sense of worth and self-love
I've got a gift for you.
I'm gonna link it up in the description down below
you can click that
and it's called a self-love activation kit
and it comes with a meditation.
It comes with some affirmations.
And I promise you, if you do this consistently
over the period of several weeks
you will absolutely transform how you feel about yourself,
how you own your worth,
and how you communicate your confidence to the world.
Number three is shaping yourself to get him to like you.
I was working with a client once and she was saying, yeah
I just find myself in this pattern where
when I go on a date, I only want to show the parts of me
that I know he's gonna like.
And so I don't show all of me.
I'm not in that authentic self-expression
and I'm watering myself down.
You know, it's interesting.
There is a phenomenon that chefs strive for
called the bliss point.
And it's this perfect mixture between sweet and savory.
And when you can strike that perfect balance
that creates this blissful experience
and the person who's eating the dessert
or eating whatever food it is.
And so are the challenges in a relationship.
If you're only bringing the sweet part
where you agree with everything he says,
and you like everything that he likes
and it's all the same
and you're not bringing any of your uniqueness
and your perspective and your beliefs
and your interests and your hobbies
that maybe he likes, maybe he doesn't, that savory part.
If you're not bringing that you miss the opportunity to
create something even richer
more enjoyable for both of you.
There was a friend of mine who said he went on a date
with this woman and he took a drink of water.
And she was like, oh my gosh, you drink water.
I love water.
And he was like,
I think we all like water
is what he's thinking.
And he says, she didn't even notice it.
She was so into trying to get him to like her
that she was finding any common ground
that she could grasp onto.
And it totally pushed him away.
She was like, she's just overselling herself here.
No, be yourself in this instance
share all of yourself and trust
that the right man is gonna find all of that attractive.
One of the greatest principles for manifesting love
or deepening love
is you've got to be willing to scare off the wrong man
to attract the right man.
And the right man is gonna love you and all of you
for who you are.
Number four is declaring that you're in love
too early, too fast.
Relationships are often like jogging with somebody.
If you've ever gotten a run with a running partner
you want a running partner who's gonna stay
and pace pretty much where you're pacing.
What would you do if you went on a jog
with a running partner and the running partner
got out in front of you and then extended their lead
and got out even more.
They didn't turn away for you.
And they just kind of disappeared around the corner.
Would you keep following them?
Probably not.
You'd be like, where are they going?
Like I can't catch up to that person.
And the same thing is true in relationships.
You may have even felt this with a guy
who got way out in front of you.
He declared how much he loved you, way too early.
And what are you thinking in that moment?
You are thinking can I catch up to him
and what's gonna happen if I don't catch up to him.
And that's exactly what men are thinking.
If you're declaring, oh my gosh, you're perfect.
I love you.
I'm falling in love with you, all of this
well before he's even said any of that,
well his thinking is, I don't know if I can catch up to her.
Now here's the irony.
He might catch up to you.
He might fall in love with you as well.
But if you outpace him to this degree
the fear of what happens if I don't catch up to her
if she's this in love with me now
if I continue on this track
and don't catch up to her with my feelings,
I'm gonna break her heart.
I'm gonna devastate her.
And if he's a nice guy, if he's a guy who has any sort
of heart or feelings or caring, he's gonna pull back
in this moment, because he doesn't want to devastate you.
That's the natural effect.
We all do that as human beings.
So instead, let him lead the emotional pace
of the relationship.
Stay with him, let him be the one to say, he loves you.
Let him be the one to lead.
Doesn't mean you can't say that you like him
and that you're attracted to him
and that you're totally into him.
He needs to hear that, too.
But to make those big leaps of saying I love you
or I want to commit,
lean back, let him serve.
You let him lead in those moments
and you lead the physical pace of the relationship.
And those two pacings, he leads the emotional pace,
you lead the physical pace,
I have found over the last 10 years
that this combination is the best combination
for helping people go the distance
in their partnerships together.
And number five is needing labels too early.
Disclaimer, there should be a label on this relationship
eventually.
You should know what his intentions are.
You should know the status of the two of you
whether you're committed or not
at a certain point in the relationship.
But often it's easy to get so excited
or to feel insecure in a relationship.
And then the byproduct of that is needing to over-control.
And one of the ways that people over-control is
by wanting labels too early.
What are we are we committed?
Are we boyfriend, girlfriend?
And so I found this great clip from the show, The Office
with Michael Scott.
Because Michael Scott is a chronic over-controller
and the what-are-we,
he jumps into relationships way too fast.
So here's a scene of him and his latest girlfriend.
Check it out.
- What is this?
- That is my Christmas card.
It's a picture of you and me and your kids
on a ski trip, having a blast, skis and greetings.
- No, see, we never went on a ski trip.
- I know, I know.
- I went on a ski trip.
- Right.
- Two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband.
- Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time
was that I was with you in a sense I was in your heart.
- Oh my God. - And next to your kids.
What?
- This is so weird.
- I don't understand.
- It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself
into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids
on a ski trip with their real father.
But then again, Michael's a bold guy.
- So Michael Scott photoshops his face onto a family photo
from her past and then sends it out as his Christmas card.
And she's like, what are you doing?
And ultimately this is him wanting this relationship
to be something that is not yet.
Now here's the irony that actually might be
their relationship if he lets it evolve.
But by him wanting to control it from a place of insecurity
wanting him to be something that's not yet
it's causing her to pull away.
And the same think could happen in our relationships.
If you put a label on something
and try to control it too soon
without giving it the room to breathe and evolve
and become something naturally,
you can have that other person pull back.
Now again, there is a moment at which you should know
where this thing is going
but there's gotta be enough time for the two of you
to have some clarity and to know what are we
and what this is before you put those labels on it.
So my question for you is
what are the things a man does that causes you to pull away?
I'm sure there's been many.
Go ahead and post those in the comment section below.
I'm gonna love checking those out.
And know this I believe in you.
Thank you so much for watching and I'll see you soon.
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