YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME OVER THERE, MARIE KONDO-ING
THE DAY'S BIG STORIES INTO THE PERFECTLY-ORGANIZED NEWS CLOSET
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO ROOT AROUND IN THE NEWS CRAWLSPACE
FOR THE UNREAD MAGAZINES, THE OLD CAMP T-SHIRTS, AND THE
BROKEN LITE BRITES THAT NO LONGER SPARK JOY, I THANK THEM
FOR THEIR SERVICE, TOSS THEM IN A CINCH SACK, THEN LEAN OUT MY
CAR WINDOW AND DROP IT INTO THE SALVATION ARMY DONATION BIN THAT
IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE" HEALS A NATION.
IT SOOTHES THE TROUBLED SOUL OF THIS GREAT EXPERIMENT WE CALL
DEMOCRACY!
MEANWHILE, PASSENGERS ABOARD A SPIRIT AIRLINES FLIGHT WERE IN
FOR A SURPRISE ON WEDNESDAY WHEN A BAT APPEARED AND FLEW BACK AND
FORTH THROUGH THE CABIN.
HERE IT COMES AGAIN.
THERE IT GOES.
YEAH, THERE IT GOES AGAIN!
I KNOW THAT'S KIIND OF SHOCKING, BUT IN SPIRIT AIRLINES' DEFENSE,
THEIR SLOGAN IS, "LOOK, YOU WANT TO FLY TO CHICAGO FOR 60 BUCKS?
YOU GET BATS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE-- IF YOU'RE LUCKY!
IF YOU'RE LUCKY YOU GET BATS!
THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER SEEN ON SPIRIT AIRLINES IS RACCOONS.
MEANWHILE, A DOG SHELTER HERE IN NEW YORK SAYS THAT "AN ADORABLE
PUPPY WITH A 'MUSTACHE' ALREADY HAS A LONG LIST OF FAMILIES
WAITING TO ADOPT HER."
THE PUPPY WENT VIRAL LAST WEEK THANKS TO HER UNIQUE
MUSTACHE-LIKE MARKINGS.
BUT FOR SOME REASON, THERE'S STILL NO INTEREST IN HER
BROTHER.
AND TO WHOEVER-- HELLO.
AND WHOEVER ENDS UP ADOPTING DOLLY, THE NAME OF THE DOG HERE,
I JUST HAVE ONE REQUEST: PLEASE DRESS HER UP LIKE A
LITTLE SALOON OWNER.
THIS IS NOT--
THIS ISN'T EVEN A SETUP FOR A JOKE, IT'S JUST SOMETHING MY
WRITER, KATE SIDLEY, THINKS WOULD BE ADORABLE AND I AGREE
WITH HER.
IF SALOON OWNER ISN'T POSSIBLE, KATE WILL ALSO ACCEPT DOLLY AS A
DASTARDLY VILLAIN TYING A HAMSTER TO TRAIN TRACKS, DOLLY
AS TOM SELLECK IN "MAGNUM P.I."
OR DOLLY AS 1972 BURT REYNOLDS.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S KEY-- KEY PAW PLACEMENT.
MEANWHILE, COORS LIGHT HAS JUST BRANDED ITSELF THE OFFICIAL BEER
OF "DRINKING IN THE SHOWER."
THAT'S ACTUALLY AN UPGRADE.
PREVIOUSLY, IT WAS THE OFFICIAL BEER OF WEEPING IN YOUR
EX-WIFE'S BIRDBATH.
CHECK OUT THIS LITTLE AD THEY ACTUALLY MADE:
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: COORS LIGHT AND
TAKING A SHOWER ARE THE PERFECT MATCH.
YOU'RE GOING TO CATCH SOME WATER IN YOUR MOUTH ANYWAY-- WHY NOT
MAKE IT A cORS LIGHT?
MAKE IT A COORS LIGHT?
THAT'S GOOD-- ACTUALLY, TONIGHT, I'M GOING HOME AND DOING THIS.
ALSO, CAN I JUST ASK WHY IT SAYS "DO NOT ATTEMPT?"
( LAUGHTER )
ME NOT TO DO THE THING THEY'RE DOING IN THEIR COMMERCIAL.
IF I WANT TO GO OFF-ROADING IN THE ARCTIC IN MY FORD F-150 LIKE
YOU DID, FORD, THAT'S MY BUSINESS.
AND IF I SIDESWIPE A TREE AND GET STRANDED ON A FROZEN LAKEBED
AND HAVE TO EAT MY OWN FOOT UNTIL I'M RESCUED, THE FIRST
THING I'M GONNA DO IS GO STRAIGHT HOME AND SHOWER OFF
WITH A NICE COORS LIGHT.
BUT, HEY, GETTING PEOPLE--
♪ ♪ ♪ BUT, HEY, GETTING PEOPLE TO
CONSUME YOUR PRODUCT IN THE SHOWER IS A WHOLE NEW PROFIT
AV AND OTHER BRANDS ARE ALREADY
GETTING ON BOARD.
JIM?
>> AFTER A LONG DAY THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A HOT SHOWER.
BUT IF YOU'RE ALSO HUNGRY, THERE'S BON GELDER SHOWER CHILI.
WHILE OTHER CHILIES CAN BE THIN AND WATERED DOWN, BON GELDER'S
IS THICK AND CHUNKY AND CAN TAKE THE HEAT AND IT'S PERFECTLY
SEASONED, GIVING YOU THE KICK YOU NEED WHILE HOSING OFF.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE STEPPING INTO THE SHOWER, CRACK OPEN A
CAN OF BON GELDER SHOWER CHILI.
THE OFFICIAL CHILI OF EATING CHILI IN THE SHOWER.