♪♪♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY!
LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR BAND LEADER AND YOURS MR. JON
BATISTE.
HELLO, JON, HOW ARE YA?
>> Jon: I'M GOOD.
THAT'S A HAPPY SOUND.
I LOVE HAPPY SOUNDS.
>> Stephen: THAT IS.
YOU KNOW, THERE JUST ISN'T ENOUGH KAZOO IN POPULAR MUSIC.
MAYBE THAT'S WHY I STILL HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE.
IT'S -- IT'S A CHALLENGING SOUND, THE KAZOO, YOU HAVE TO
ADMIT.
>> Jon: OH, YES.
IT'S AN ACQUIRED TASTE, I'LL SAY.
BUT IT'S VERY JOVIAL, TO SAY THE LEAST.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
IT'S LIGHT-HEARTED.
IT DON'T TAKE ITSELF SERIOUSLY, AND NEITHER SHOULD WE.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY NON-KAZOO-BASED MUSIC YOU MIGHT
BE ABLE TO FAVOR THIS FAIR AUDIENCE WITH?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: YES, INDEED!
♪♪♪ >> Stephen: THAT'S THE SIDE
YOU ALWAYS WALK ON!
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANKS, JON.
>> Jon: YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY
TIME SPECIAL ORDERING THE DAY'S NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL
COMPONENTS, LIKE A TENTH-GEN INTEL CORE I9 C.P.U., A GIGABYTE
X-570 AORUS XTREME MOTHERBOARD AND N-VIDIA G-FORCE RTX 3090
GRAPHICS CARD, THEN CAREFULLY MOUNTING IT ALL IN A TEMPERED
GLASS CASE WITH LIQUID COOLING, R.G.B. LIGHTING, AND 750-WATT
P.S.U. TO BUILD FOR YOU THE SLEEK, OVER-CLOCKED, CUSTOM
GAMING P.C. THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I LIKE TO HUFF A COUPLE
WHIPPETS, HOP THE RAZOR WIRE AT THE GARBAGE DUMP, STRIP THE
CABLES OUT OF AN OLD LITE BRITE, STEAL THE BATTERY PACK FROM A
DISCARDED R.C. COPTER, AND RUN THEM TO THE CRACKED SCREEN OF A
BUSTED-OUT FLIP-PHONE TO CREATE THE RIVERSIDE VAGRANT TETRIS
CONSOLE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"QUARANTINEWHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, NEW RESEARCH
SHOWS THAT SMOOSHY-FACED CATS CAN'T SHOW EMOTION.
OH NO!
THEY CAN'T EXPRESS THEIR FULL RANGE OF NORMAL CAT EMOTIONS,
FROM SCORNFUL, TO CONDESCENDING, TO "REALLY, YOU'RE GOING OUT
DRESSED LIKE THAT?" QUARANTINE-WHILE, A MAN IN
BRAZIL RECENTLY DISCOVERED A ROCK FORMATION THAT LOOKS LIKE
COOKIE MONSTER THAT COULD FETCH $10,000.
WHICH EXPLAINS THIS RECENT EPISODE:
>> "C IS FOR CASH NOW GIVE ME MY MONEY
OHH, GIMME, GIMME GIMME MY MONEY!
C IS FOR CASH.
NOW GIVE ME MY MONEY, OH, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME MY MONEY!
>> STEPHEN: THE MAN FOUND THE CRYSTAL MUPPET IN THE BRAZIL
REGION OF RIO GRANDE DO SUL.
WHICH IS SESAME CANON.
WE ALL REMEMBER THE INFAMOUS EPISODE WHERE COOKIE MONSTER
WENT TO RIO AND GOT A FULL BRAZILIAN.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, EXCITING TECH NEWS: "MICROSOFT HAS FILED A
PATENT TO CREATE CHATBOTS THAT IMITATE DEAD PEOPLE" BY
COLLECTING "IMAGES, VOICE DATA, SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS, AND
ELECTRONIC MESSAGES," THEN "SIMULATE HUMAN CONVERSATION
THROUGH VOICE COMMANDS AND/OR TEXT CHATS."
SO THEY'RE BUILDING THESE BASED ON PEOPLE'S INTERNET PRESENCE?
GET READY FOR A MILLION CHATBOTS THAT ARE VACATIONING IN GREECE,
GREAT AT NETWORKING, AND AN UNCLE WITH A HOT TAKE ON BLACK
LIVES MATTER THAT YOU SHOULD BE OKAY WITH BECAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT
TOLERANCE, RIGHT?
THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.
IF YOU BUILT A CHATBOT BASED ON MY INTERNET ACTIVITY, YOU'D
THINK ALL I CARED ABOUT WAS J.R.R. TOLKIEN AND BOATS.
WHEN IN REALITY, I ALSO ENJOY ALCOHOL.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PANDEMIC, IT
WAS ASSUMED THAT IN NINE MONTHS THERE'D BE A HISTORIC BABY BOOM.
WELL, IN FACT, AMERICA HAS ENTERED A PANDEMIC-INSPIRED BABY
BUST.
TURNS OUT, NO ONE IS SAYING, "HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT BEING
TRAPPED IN THIS TINY APARTMENT WITH YOU PUTS ME IN THE MOOD
FOR?
A SCREAMING INFANT."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN OREGON, HEALTH WORKERS STUCK IN THE SNOW
ADMINISTERED CORONAVIRUS VACCINE TO STRANDED DRIVERS."
THEY EVEN "WALKED FROM CAR TO CAR WITH VACCINE DOSES THAT
WOULD EXPIRE IN SIX HOURS."
OH, AND EVERYONE SAYS "DON'T STAND BY THE HIGHWAY LETTING
STRANGERS INJECT YOU WITH DRUGS."
WELL, WHO'S CRAZY NOW?
STILL ME?
BECAUSE OF THOSE DRUGS?
FINE.
ALSO, GOOD LUCK TALKING THE HOSPITAL INTO GIVING YOU YOUR
SECOND DOSE IN FOUR WEEKS.
"NO, NO, IT'S COOL.
I'M ALL CLEAR FOR MY SECOND SHOT.
I GOT MY FIRST ONE FROM SOME DUDE ON I-95.
SEEMED LEGIT.
I THINK HE WAS RAISING MONEY FOR HIS BASKETBALL TEAM."
THE SURPRISE VACCINE APPOINTMENT HAD SOME MOTORISTS ESPECIALLY
PUMPED.
ACCORDING TO ONE HEALTH WORKER, "WE HAD ONE INDIVIDUAL WHO WAS
SO HAPPY, HE TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF AND JUMPED OUT OF THE CAR."
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BRO WHO FINDS ANY EXCUSE TO GO SHIRTLESS.
WE CAN ALL SEE YOU WORK OUT, BUDDY.
THERE IS NO NEED TO TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF FOR A VACCINE.
THEY DON'T PUMP IT IN YOUR NIPPLES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH VIGGO MORTENSEN.
♪♪♪