Tonight I'ma tell you how my big titties saved my life.
[cheers and applause]
So, it was the summer of 1988.
I'm 16 years old,
I got two kids, two and one years old,
and I'm living in the hood in Atlanta.
And in this hood, you know, I'm trying to survive.
So, I go out and start me a small business.
Well, I was selling crack,
but we gonna call it a small business tonight.
Okay, white people?
'Cause when you 16 years old in the hood
and you got two kids,
there's only two things you can do for a job.
Either sell drugs or sell your body.
So, I did the one that paid the most.
So, I had to advertise this business.
And I couldn't go out, you know,
and try to get no [bleep] commercial or no flashy signs
or no shit like that.
So, I had to advertise the way we do in the hood.
I went out and bought me a 1980 Fleetwood Cadillac
from the junkyard for $500.
And I put $9,500 into it.
Rims and paint.
So, I take this car and I paint it pearl white,
with 1,001 gold flakes in it.
And white people, you probably don't know what the hell
I'm talking about, but when you got a paint job
with 1,001 gold flakes, you the shit in the hood.
So, I'm sitting in my car one day with one of my clients,
running inventory through my small business.
I always had to keep a client in the car with me,
'cause I was 16 years old with a learner's permit,
and I didn't want to risk the chance
of losing my [bleep] permit.
[laughter]
So, I'm sitting there one day, and one of my rivals walk up,
and he hit the back of my car.
And he's just yell, Rabbit,
get the hell out of the car with your fat ass.
Now, Rabbit is my hood name.
'Cause you can't go by your real name in the hood.
Patricia don't sound tough at all.
I get out the car and we arguing,
and he [bleep] spit on my car.
Now, it wasn't a regular spit, people.
'Cause I wouldn't have got mad.
It was the type of spit that he pulled from his damn navel.
The first thing I'm thinking, like,
this [bleep] done [bleep] chipped one of my gold flakes.
I paid a lot of money for that paint job.
So, I go to my car 'cause I got to be tough,
and I'm a girl. I reach in the car
and grab my baby bag,
and I move the Pampers over.
Then I move the crack over.
Then I get my pistol.
'Cause you know I'm a good mama.
You got to keep all the shit together.
And so I take my gun
and I stick it to his dick.
And I said, now, get that shit off of my car
before I turn your dick into a blooming onion.
[laughter]
He wiped the spit off.
And I said, now, get the hell out of here.
He walks away.
He get halfway up the hill and he turn around
and he was, like, when I come back, bitch,
I'ma kill you.
Now, I'm from the hood. You hear that shit every day.
You don't believe it till they lay you down.
White people, don't let this white guilt get you, okay?
Relax, this shit is funny.
And five minutes later,
I'm serving customers and he come back.
Now, he's shooting.
Now, I don't know if you ever been in a shootout
with black people before,
but when they come down the hill and they running
and they shoot, I think that make the bullets go faster.
[laughter]
But I want to shoot back
'cause I got my pistol in my hand.
But what I realized,
my pistol wouldn't shoot because the shit was on safety.
Now, I don't know if you ever been in a shootout before,
but if you're ever in a shootout and you shooting,
and your shit on safety, you not in a shootout any longer.
[laughter]
You being shot at.
So, I take off running, and I'm running down the hill,
and my [bleep] titties just flying in my face.
And I'm trying to hold my titties down.
'Cause you know, these titties young.
They took off running before I did.
I run down the hill, and I jumped over this fence,
and I run into my girlfriend house.
She was, like, why you got blood all over your shirt?
And I look down and I'm, like, damn.
I done snagged my [bleep] nipple on the fence.
She called 911, y'all, and the EMT pull up.
A little white guy, and he was, like, ma'am, what happened?
I'm, like, I think I snagged my [bleep] nipple on the fence.
[laughter]
So, the EMT guy tried to take my bra off.
And, you know, I got a big set of titties.
I've had these same titties since the third grade.
So, he's back there trying to take my bra off
and he's struggling like hell.
I was, like, oh, evidently, you never dealt with real titties.
Let me give you a hand, EMT.
So, I had to bend my back in
where my back titties will help him unbutton my bra.
[laughter]
So, he take my bra loose, and then my right titty
just fall out like it was in a drive-by.
So, he picked it up and he was, like, I think you've been shot.
I was, like, you think I've been shot?
So, he lift my arm up and he was, like, you got an entrance
and it came out through your nipple.
That's your exit.
So, I'm thinking, like, this [bleep] blew my nip off?
Like a bull's-eye?
And so he's, like,
I need to get you to the hospital.
So, I get to the hospital, y'all,
and the doctor examined my titty and he was, like,
ma'am, he blew your nip off.
I'm, like, I [bleep] heard.
He was, like, well, ma'am, you really lucky.
Because if you was a A-cup, you would have died.
Them little titties would've got you killed, baby.
These real titties. They save life.
Thank you all so much. I'm Ms. Pat.