Hi, Youtube family [today]. [I] want to talk about narcissism, and how it relates to mothers and specifically daughters?
Those of you out there who happen to be daughters of narcissistic mothers know the pain and the confusion it is to have
This relationship with a woman that is supposed to feel nurturing that is supposed to feel safe
And that is supposed to feel protected and it feels anything, but those things
it's a pain that other people few people can relate to because
You know in Society?
And movies and that in the things that we experience in our lifetimes you know you go to a park
And you see a little girl run into her mother's arms, and you know you watch TV, or you watch a movie
And you see these wonderful relationships that these daughters have with their moms
And you think why can't [I] have that I know growing up?
you know having a difficult [relationship] with my mother it was it was it was difficult enough to have that be the case but
To not feel like I could talk to anybody about it because they wouldn't understand
they just wouldn't get that my mother was literally one way in front of other people and
to me one on one she was a different human being and
I know how crazy that sounded and I know how crazy that looked to the outside world
And so that only made me feel even more isolated
So I want to want to make a video
Specifically speaking to the daughters out there of narcissistic moms who might feel like all alone like they're crazy
So a couple of things are going on. You know a narcissistic mom is generally
Generally, she uses guilt as a weapon so we have moms who on the surface look like they're there
They're there they care about us
So they're constantly calling us, and they're constantly asking us questions about what's going on in our life
And this sort of like you know living vicariously through through our experience
But they fill us with the sense like we owe them
Conversation like we owe them. We have to tell them what's [going] on with our life even if we don't want to so they're intrusive
Mentally, they're intrusive
Emotionally, they're intrusive psychologically. They just don't know how to leave us alone
Now what will happen is as we start getting healthy?
and we start healing the codependent mind in us that mom helped create and
Don't forget
codependency is really built on the idea that you should care [more] about what I think about you than what you think about you and
narcissistic parents are perfect [at]
Making children feel like they don't have a right to their own feelings
And so if that was your experience, then you may be codependent today and may [even] be attracting other narcissists into your relationship
But I wanted to share with you what happens when you begin confronting mom, so let's say you know you're in recovery
You're in a coaching program
or you're in therapy, and you begin to understand this idea of boundaries and that
boundaries are very healthy between children and parents especially adult children and
They're their adult parents and so let's say you're at a point in your life where you're like? Hey, you know
What mom's being really intrusive there's just some stuff?
I don't want to tell her and so you start saying things like Mom
You know I don't want to talk about that first thing that mom's [gonna] do is she's Gonna
The nails are gonna come out. How dare you speak to me that [way] after all I've done for you
And she will have a list as long as her arm, and maybe even her leg
Shooting off how many things she's done [for] you
And how hard her [life] has been because of you and how she sacrificed because of you
And you have no idea how difficult her life was with her parents
And you have no idea how difficult her life was with your father and again
What is mom doing just pay attention to the technique?
What mom is trying to do is still get you to worry more about what she thinks about you [than] what you think about her?
Now as long as you don't fall into that trap. [you're] good as long as you observe mom
So what I want you to do is really play with detachment
And this is one of the keys to recovery that I teach [my] workshops is is
Detached from that so you have a conversation with Mom
Go in an adult don't go in her kid don't go in her top child get out of the amygdala
Which is where your patterning is and get to the frontal lobe so I had I?
Before it before you call you you call your mom before you see the cell phone rings
[it] says mom just tap on your forehead. You [know] I am not a child. I'm at seven she's not the boss over me
[I] am not a child. I am I am not. I am not a child
She is not the boss over [me], and I can be myself
I can be myself then ask the phone that really helps you get centered here
You know it helps to activate the frontal lobe and it helps you get out [of] the pattern of the amygdala
So you go into the conversation your grown ass woman self. You'll know. What's up. How are you? Yeah? Well, you know [man]?
I want to talk about that well. I I don't I don't really you know what I don't owe you an explanation
I love you and all but mom you know I'm not seven anymore
Like I don't have to tell you why I want to talk to you about stuff
I mean
It's enough for me to say I [don't] want to talk about so how's the weather treating ya you know how's the weather there?
You know in California. How's the weather there in New York. I hear it's terrible
My said I'm not going to talk [about] my mom my mom mom
Mom now now you're using guilt against me mom. That's not cool
That's not cool to tell you what mom, you know what you're really upset right now
[I] can see that you're [not] having an easy time
With me setting boundaries, so you know what you know what call me when you feel better
Or I tell you what I'll let you pull off a napoleon in a couple of days dink
And that's the way we do it
And I'm not saying it's easy because setting boundaries with with narcissistic moms is not easy
But if [you] don't do it nothing changes, remember nothing changes nothing changes [dan] won, so this has been a six minute video?
on
detachment
Waking up the frontal lobe prior to having the conversation with mom reminding yourself that I'm not six. I'm not six. I'm not sick
She's not the boss over me boundaries a good [boundary] [is] good
I worry about what I think I can't worry about she thinks and then have the conversation
So you're going in an adult not a child so you go in as an adult [you] go in not as a child anymore
You use [detachment]
So you observe what mom is doing?
don't get pulled into what mom is doing see if I can if I watch if I listen to what my mom say
And I [hear] oh, that's guilt
That's manipulation that I just told her [how] I felt and she just totally steamrolled me. I see that
How she's doing it again? Here's some come some more guilt
Oh here comes the rage like I'm six, and [I] should go hide under my bed
Here it comes it all these guilts all these weapons here they come, but I'm not falling because I'm a grown-ass woman
Mom you sound real ornery like you know you're right. You know what listen [y'all] call you back when you feel better, okay?
Love you click
So that's the way we as their daughters really begin to own our womanhood
We have to step into our womanhood
[we] have to step into it and not allow our mothers to steamroll us
Make us feel like responsible for their issues like it's not my issue if my mom had a bad relationship with my dad
It's not my issue like her job was take care of me
My job is not to be her therapist my job is to not to tell you know validate her
Experience her job is to validate my experience, so I'm done playing therapist to Mommy
If you're if you have that issue with your mom you got to let that go tell mom to find a therapist
[if] mom is like overstepping her boundaries, and she's really really intrusive. You know sometimes. What moms will do is like
They'll they'll send you things or they'll send you cards or they send your gifts in the mail, they'll send you gift cards
They'll say come on. I wanna. Take you shopping
Don't fall for it because what she's doing is she's trapping you
Because now if you accept that gift you owe her you owe her she's never gonna let you let it down
So we say things like no mom. I got it. Thanks [very] much. I really appreciate you
So sweet da da da Da pie
So I hope this is [help] please reach out to me and let me know. My name is Lisa Romano
I'm a life [coach] for dole children of alcoholics and also adult children from dry homes
So um those of us who come from [Acoa] homes?
We didn't know we weren't always by drunk parents if you came from a home where you felt invisible?
Or that you were you had no rights to you're yourself
And that there were no boundaries in your home if your parents pit you against your siblings if mom and dad were in co-dependent relationships
You qualify as an Aco a so I welcome you to my family
[please] check out my Google+ page
Adult children of alcoholics moving on stuck in the past no more
Please check out my books at amazon.com and audible.com the road backs me my road Beyond the codependent
[divorced] [level] [II] self affirmations and quantum tools to help you live the you live your life now heal your life now
And I'm working on my fifth book currently teleclass is coming up March 7th
I think I have two seats left and I'll be talking to you guys soon wwe healing self esteem calm and
Wwe adults child of alcoholic life coach calm talk to you soon