WELCOME BACK.
GIVE IT UP TO THE BAND.
NOW HAPPY THURSDAY, HAPPY THURSDAY, LOUIS.
FOR THE PEOPLE WONDERING ITS REASON WHY ARE YOU LEADING THE
BAND, OUR DEER FRIEND JON BATISTE HAS CAUGHT THE COVID,
UNFORTUNATELY.
>> HE HAS.
>> Stephen: JON SAYS HE IS DOING FINE, VAXXED AND BOOSTED
AND ALL THAT GOOD STUVMENT WE'RE GOING TO THINK OF YOU TONIGHT,
JON, TAKE CARE.
THE SOUP SON THE WAY, MASSIVE DOSES.
I RECOMMEND A BACON SANDWICH TO GO WITH IT, THAT IS WHAT THE CDC
IS RECOMMENDING RIGHT NOW.
WE LOVE YOU, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
>> WE LOVE YOU, GET BETTER SOON.
>> Jon: >> Stephen: HOPE IT DOESN'T
GET INTO THE FINGERS.
NOW ALSO TONIGHT WE HAVE GOT A COUPLE OF LOVELY GUESTS.
MY DEAR AND FRIEND MATT WALSH IS ON HERE TONIGHT.
AND MR. DANIEL CRAIG WILL BE HERE TAKING THE COLBERT
QUESTIONERT.
MR. JAMES BOND HIMSELF.
>> JAMES BOND.
>> Stephen: FOLKS FOLKS, MOTHER'S DAY IS JUST
AROUND THE CORNER.
ALSO JUST AROUND THE CORNER?
MILLIONS OF ADULT SONS ASKING THEIR SISTERS IF THEY CAN JUST
THROW THEIR NAME ON THE CARD.
AND YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS THINKING ABOUT MOTHER'S DAY
GIFTS?
GOOP GURU, AND GHOST HAUNTING YOUR DENTIST'S OFFICE...
GWYNETH PALTROW.
IF YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN A GIFT FOR YOUR MOM YET, DON'T WORRY,
BECAUSE THE GOOP MOTHER'S DAY GIFT GUIDE IS HERE TO HELP.
AND SOMETHING NEW WITH THIS YEAR'S RELEASE IS THAT THE GUIDE
IS BROKEN INTO FOUR PARTS.
BECAUSE BREAKING IT INTO SMALLER PARTS MAKES IT EASIER TO JAM UP
THERE WITH YOUR JADE EGG.
THE FIRST SECTION IS -- SOME PEOPLE HAVE SEEN THE GOP
GUIDE BEFORE, EVIDENTLY.
THE FIRST SECTION IS KITCHENWARE, AND IS TITLED "TO
THE ONE WHO SHOWED ME HOW TO SLICE, SHUCK, AND SPATCHCOCK."
EASY WITH THE LANGUAGE, GWYNETH!
THIS IS CBS.
WE HAVE TO SAY "SPATCH-PENIS."
>> MAKES IT EASIER.
MAKES IT EASIER TO GRILL.
THE KITCHEN SECTION FEATURES POTS AND OVEN MITTS, BUT ALSO,
FOR SOME REASON, A SPECIAL COMMISSION PASTEL PORTRAIT OF
YOUR CHILD FOR $4,300.
A GREAT GIFT FOR ANY MOTHER WHO ASPIRES FOR THEIR CHILD TO
ONE DAY BE A PHANTASM TERRORIZING A 19th CENTURY
ORPHANAGE.
ANOTHER SECTION FROM GWYNETH'S GOOP GUIDE IS CALLED "TO THE ONE
WHO DOES FLOWER ACID WHILE LISTENING TO THE GOOP PODCAST."
SOUNDS PROVOCATIVE, BUT TURNS OUT, "FLOWER ACID" IS THE NAME
OF GOOP'S FACIAL TONER.
WHICH MEANS THIS SECTION IS PRODUCTS FOR PEOPLE USING THEIR
PRODUCTS WHILE LISTENING TO A PODCAST ABOUT THEIR PRODUCTS.
THEY'VE REALLY GOT THEIR HEAD UP THEIR OWN PRODUCT HOLE.
AGAIN, NOT EASY WITH THAT JADE EGG UP THERE.
THE SECTION FEATURES THE "HIGHER DOSE RED LIGHT FACE MASK," WHICH
WILL SET YOU BACK $299.
PERFECT FOR THE MOM WHO WANTS HER SKIN TO LOOK PRISTINE FOR
THE MURDERS SHE COMMITS WHILE WEARING IT.
AND, IF THAT MASK ISN'T RIGHT FOR
YOUR MOM, YOU CAN ALSO GET HER THIS CHAKRA BRACELET MADE OF
MOONSTONE BEADS AND FINISHED WITH DIAMONDS, FOR A NIFTY
$7,770.
YES, A CHAKRA BRACELET.
TO HELP YOU REMEMBER THE SECOND NOBLE TRUTH: "THE ROOT OF
SUFFERING IS ATTACHMENT, UNLESS YOU'RE ATTACHED TO A
DIAMOND BRACELET WITH SOMETHING CALLED 'MOONSTONE BEADS.'
WHAT ARE THOSE?
WHO CARES?
I'M A SHINY BUDDHA, BITCH!" ANOTHER SECTION IS DEDICATED TO
A SPECIAL KIND OF MOM ANOTHER SECTION IS DEDICATED TO
A VERY SPECIFIC KIND OF MOM: "THE ONE WHO PICKED UP WHERE
SEX ED LEFT OFF."
NOT JUST A GIFT GUIDE-- ALSO A POPULAR CATEGORY ON
PORNHUB.
THIS SEX-POSITIVE MOM SECTION CONTAINS AN ALARMING EIGHT
VIBRATORS.
WHICH I'M SURE WILL BRING BACK MEMORIES OF WHEN YOU WERE IN
KINDERGARTEN AND MADE HER THAT MACARONI VIBRATOR.
REMEMBER, YOU'RE UPSET AT GWYNETH PALTROW, NOT ME, THESE
ARE HERE IDEAS.
THIS SECTION ALSO INCLUDES -- WE KID.
THIS SECTION ALSO INCLUDES ARTIPOPPE'S ZEITGEIST BABY
CARRIER, WHICH GOES FOR $787.
A GREAT PRESENT FOR ANY MOM WHO NEEDS TO CARRY AN INFANT.
OR EIGHT VIBRATORS.
WELL, I'M SORRY, BUT I BELIEVE MOTHER'S DAY SHOULD NOT BE
ABOUT GIVING YOUR MONEY TO GWYNETH PALTROW.
SHE'S NOT YOUR MOTHER.
BUT NEITHER AM I, SO WHY NOT GIVE ME YOUR MONEY?
THIS IS THE 2022 MOTHER'S DAY GIFT GUIDE FROM MY LIFESTYLE
BRAND, COVETTON HOUSE.
S S S >> BAROQUE SIMPLICITY.
SHABBY ELEGANCE.
GIVE ME MONEY.
COVETTON HOUSE.
>> Stephen: WELCOME.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WELCOME TO THE COVETTON MOTHER'S DAY GIFT GUIDE.
THIS YEAR, I'VE DIVIDED MY GUIDE INTO CATEGORIES, LIKE MY
KITCHENWARE SECTION, "TO THE ONE WHO SHOWED ME HOW
TO MICROWAVE, GRUBHUB, AND SCREAM AT THE HELP."
OBVIOUSLY, OUR KITCHENWARE SECTION FEATURES CUSTOM
PORTRAITURE, AND WHAT MOM WOULDN'T LOVE THIS ONE-OF-A-KIND
PAINTING OF HER CHILD IN A STAINED NIGHTGOWN CRAWLING OUT
OF A WELL.
$5,800.
ANOTHER SECTION IS "TO THE ONE WHO COVETTONS WHILE COVETTONING
THEIR COVETTON IN AN "INCEPTION-LIKE COVETTON
MIND-PRISON."
IT OFFERS INNOVATIVE SKIN CARE PRODUCTS, LIKE THIS AUTHENTIC
HANNIBAL LECHTER-BRAND MOISTURIZING MASK.
REJUVENATE YOUR SKIN WHILE YOU SLEEP.
COMES WITH A TASER FOR YOUR PARTNER TO CLUTCH WHILE LAYING
NEXT TO YOU IN TERROR.
$3,000.
(APPLAUSE) YES.
AND WE'VE GOT OUR NEW SECTION, "TO THE ONE WHO CHAPERONED MY
FIRST 'EYES WIDE SHUT' SEX PARTY."
EIGHT VIBRATORS ARE GREAT, BUT THAT'S A NIGHT OF SOCKS-ON
MISSIONARY COMPARED TO OUR COVETTON PORK-PALACE
SEX-ATORIUM.
$25,000.99.
THIS CONVERTED SHIPPING CONTAINER-TURNED-SEXUAL
FANTASY LAND WILL BE PARKED IN YOUR MOM'S DRIVEWAY, AND
COMES FULLY STOCKED WITH SEX SWINGS, A BABY CARRIAGE FULL OF
NIPPLE CLAMPS, AND JASON MOMOA DUCT-TAPED TO A COT.
THIS IS YOUR DAY, MOM.
SO, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY FROM COVETTON HOUSE.
MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS, BUT THAT WON'T STOP US FROM
SELLING IT.
WHEN WE COME BACK, DANIEL CRAIG TAKES THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT."
STICK AROUND.