(Ian) Another Christmas episode? What about Hanukkah?
(Anthony) Shut up!
Oh! You certainly brought your Christmas cheer!
Oh, hey, dude! So how was your Christmas?
Uh...let's see. It sucked.
My best friend forgot to give me a Christmas present this year.
Wow! What a jerk!
(scoffs) Look, dude. I don't think you heard me.
My best friend didn't get me a gift this year.
Oh! Hey, dude, by the way...
..thank you so much for the Best Friends Forever necklace.
It was amazing.
But do you know what would make this the bestest best Christmas ever?
What?
If you maybe read me one of your awesome Christmas stories?
-You know what? -What? Oh!
(Ian) Owie!
You're going to tell me one of your stories this year, bitch.
Okay. Story time. Okay.
-One day, you and I were waking up for-- -(both) PRESENTS!
No, dude! You're just copying my story from last year.
Tell something new.
Uh...okay. So...ha ha! Got a good one.
You and me were hanging out with some banging hot babes...
No, dude! That's way too sexy!
I don't want to pitch a tent in your sheets or something.
Tell me a better story.
Uh...okay, fine. So what's the least sexy way I can tell a story?
(together) Puppets!
Okay, okay. I got a good one.
Alright, so...uh...once upon a time, you and I were just waking up for Christmas.
Oh my frickin' frick! It's fricking Christmas, Anthony!
-Merry Christmas! -Merry Christmas! What the hell is that?
(Jaws theme song)
Uh...nothing. That's just...uh...a candy cane.
So aren't you excited to open your gifts?
I'm tired of Christmas! It's always the same stupid thing every year.
In fact, I think I want to sing a song about it.
&#9834; I'm so freakin' tired of Christmas &#9834;
&#9834; And all the bullsh*t it puts in my head &#9834;
&#9834; I'm so freakin' tired of stupid presents &#9834;
&#9834; under smelly trees &#9834;
&#9834; I wish there was something instead &#9834;
&#9834; That wasn't so stupid and so lame &#9834;
&#9834; I guess I have Santa and his Elves to blame &#9834;
&#9834; I'm so freakin' tired of Christmas &#9834;
&#9834; And I want it to be dead &#9834;
-Uh... -(heavy panting)
Uh...you know what? I think I might hate Christmas, too!
&#9834; I'm so freakin' tired of Christmas &#9834;
&#9834; And all the malls and traffic snags &#9834;
&#9834; I'm so freakin' tired of eggnog &#9834;
&#9834; candy canes &#9834;
&#9834; And big ass shopping bags &#9834;
&#9834; Every freakin' year it's always the same &#9834;
&#9834; Mom gets me sweaters &#9834;
&#9834; And the wrong video game &#9834;
&#9834; I'm so freakin' tired of Christmas &#9834;
&#9834; And I want it to be dead &#9834;
Man, I wish there was some way we could change Christmas.
(together) Hmmmmm.
I got it! How about we go back in time and destroy Christmas...
..so it never exists! (cackles)
(continues to cackle maniacally)
Seems like a pretty weird plot for a Christmas special, but...I'm in!
Awesome! Let's go!
Dude, why are we in Ryan Higa's driveway?
Everyone knows all Asians have time machines, duh!
-Ryan? What are you doing? -Were you just making out with that lamp?!
No. Uh...what?!
Okay, that might be legal in Hawaii or something,
but that's not legal in the United States of America.
Yeah, I know that. So that's why I wasn't doing that. Obviously.
(together) Right.
Anyway, we want to go back in time and stop Christmas from ever happening...
..cuz' it kind blows balls.
So then why are you coming to me? I don't have a time machine.
But you are Asian, correct?
Okay, fine. I had one, but I sold it to someone else.
-(cock guns) -Alright! Alright! I'll take you to it.
(Ryan) Just put the guns down. Geeze.
You know...this seems like a great time to sing a song.
(groans) Fine.
&#9834; It's the end of Christmas &#9834;
&#9834; That useless holiday &#9834;
&#9834; It's the end of happiness and joy &#9834;
&#9834; Of jingle bells and sleighs &#9834;
&#9834; Say goodbye to Christmas food &#9834;
&#9834; All that crappy stuff gives me cramps &#9834;
-I like to make out with lamps! -(Ian and Anthony) What?!
Nothing. Hey...uh...look! We're here!
We didn't get very far, did we?
Singing distance always seems hecka far, but really, it isn't.
Hey, guys. Look!
'Sup, bitches?
I hope you like how I alterated history.
Whoa! Holy frickin' tit-balls! My phone's wrapped in bacon!
And my wallet's filled with Jack Daniels!
(hurls)
How can anyone drink this sh*t?
So...uh...Harley from Epic Meal Time fame...
uh...can we borrow the time machine?
Only...if you can beat me in an arm wrestling competition.
Let's do this, you handsome-bearded [bleep].
(both grunt and groan)
Fine. [bleep] this.
(Harley groans)
Let's get the [bleep] out of here!
Wait, guys! I almost forgot my lamp.
Dude...what--what are you...you know what?
I'm not even going to ask. Let's just go.
If you want this thing to travel through time, we gotta hit 88 miles an hour.
What's our speed?
I don't know! The speedometer only goes up to 69.
-(Ian and Anthony) Ryan? -Tee-hee!
-Our plan worked perfectly. -Excellent. I'll talk to you later.
(fumbles with keypad)
Come on, man, hang up! I'm almost out of minutes for the month.
I can't hit the buttons with these stupid puppet hands.
-Where the hell are we?! -And what the hell is that?!
(roars)
The end.
What?! Seriously?
You are officially the worst story teller ever.
That ending sucked.
Well, I guess we could make that a cliff-hanger...
..and then finish the story in Part Two next week!
Tune in next week to see if Ian and Anthony can stop Christmas from happening...
..and to see if Ryan Higa will ever stop making out with lamps...
..and to see if those stupid puppeteers will ever get better at their job!
(puppeteers) Hey! F*ck you!
To see behind-the-scenes and watch Anthony and I fail at puppeteering...
-Ian, you're a dumb-- -I hate you too!
-You're a dummy. -You're a dummy dumb dumb.
-Press ALT F4. -What?!
-Actually, no, don't do that. -What does that do?
That'll close your browser, so don't do that.
Just click the video.
I like boobs!
I wish I could click the subscribe button,
but my stupid puppet hands can't click the button!
(grunts) Dammit. My stupid puppet hands!
(continues grunting) Dammit. I just forced out a little shart.